want

there is this picture I saw once, of a room with a window, and the window looked out to a late fall meadow and the woods beyond. Inside the room was a table, and on the table were art supplies...
today I have been back in that picture, feeling the room, getting familiar with it again. I have been thinking about what I want and realise I want what I have always wanted.

I am in that room, and the smell of pigment and wax and oil scent the air... there is a cat over there, sleeping in an old chair placed in the sun, just for her... and in another room I hear the sound of someone who loves me, making tea, talking to the dog... it will be cold tonight and there is a chance of snow. I have finished here for the day and wander down the hall, grab a wool sweater and the leash off a hook and the dog meets me by the door. walk. walk down the road to a path that leads out between two fields. mountains purple and pink in the distance catch the last glow of the sun. I am happy, the dog too, he is now off the leash finding all that is new since his last visit.

I remember one night at 10 pm, the kids were down. It had snowed hard all day and the wind had blown the snow into sculptures where it rounded the house toward the garage. the storm was past, the stars were out and I needed to dig out the drive. It was not cold. The only sound was the scrape of my shovel and the woosh of the dry snow falling toward leeward side of the drive. Pristine and peaceful. I would like to do that one more time.

I have been thinking making a vision board - something that always seemed silly to me - but now I sense I am ready.

for years it has been art and a studio, a partnership, good travel, mountains, creating and sharing sacred space, and silence.

On my wall is a post-it that says, "we all spend so much time not saying what we want... because we know we can't have it. Go on. Say what you want."

sunday loop

One more day and I head for Illinois by way of Kentucky
31 more days until I have to arrive back at work.
My brain is all over the place...
the low last night was 87...
what to pack in the small suitcase I have selected
do I bring the laptop? will there really be any opportunity to use the laptop?
it will be cooler than here, but humid -with chance of mosquitoes, I like to add - so I will still be hot and possibly itchy
must remember about chiggers
movies this afternoon with buddy Steve
and what about Bill... honestly I thought this was a finalized thing... but I keep thinking, what about Bill
when I return I will only have two weeks left
my bathroom will be done, or nearly done
will V. water my plants?
I will, at the current rate pay about $12 a day to drive to and from work
can I carpool and remain a nice person
does anyone else find Arnold Schwarzenegger mind-numbingly boring?
my work table is not big enough to paint on - I need more spread out room
at least my classroom gives me some sense of studio space
I will take my journal with me, yarn and a book
I can maybe use Jerry's computer
will something happen at the reunion, or will I wonder why the urge to go was so strong?
after hiring a personal trainer, doing water aerobics three days a week, riding my bike nearly every day I have managed to gain two pounds
I think I need to do something risky
what!

perfect day

Today was my collage class... I was so excited I forgot to close my car door... not forgot to lock... forgot to close ...and left my car in the parking lot until noon with the front door standing open. But, oooo, I had every reason to be excited. This was a great class where I felt like someone had unlocked something playful and creative inside me. I guess someone had since I prayed for this, this morning.

The class began with Nancy demonstrating how she lays out color using rice paper. She then gave each of us a packet of papers and we tried to follow her lead, layering and tearing and then applying flecks of gold leaf.

After the rice paper addition had dried, we moved on to adding oil pastels, wax for resist and watercolor crayons. When this was done we moved from light to dark, warm to cool colors until we had covered the majority of our paper with color. Since pink and purple are not two of my favorite colors, but they were the two colors I was given in my packet, I toned the colors down with yellows, oranges and cobalt blues.

Nancy then showed us how to use India ink on a string to add depth- see how it completely changes how the collage looks. We did another in gold, or for me, copper enamel. We were by this time working on two or three collages, allowing one to dry as we moved on to work on another.

Last Nancy showed us how to use gesso to block out parts of the picture, finding image or shape in the negative space... we then went over the gesso with watercolor, more collage material, more lines and crayon. Layering and changing, turning the paper continually, watching for what might form.

By the end of the class I had seven different collages, none of which are done. They are all unique, though three of them have a strong "pebbled" appearance like you would see in the bottom of a stream bed.

This one still has a long way to go, but I think I will like it better when it is done. There is something soothing about the repetition of color and shape. I like that it does not have the black lines, though I will probably have to add some dark places to bring drama to the piece. I will play with it, and the others tomorrow when the light is good.

This was a wonderful class. My fears were unfounded. The class was small, just five of us and the instructor. We all had very different styles and everyone came up with unique solutions using the same methods.

Because we worked on more than one collage, switching from one to another the entire day, we never got the feeling of being stuck, because solutions to problems would surface as we worked on a next piece.

I liked the process driven part of this exercise. I liked the idea that you can go back and alter and alter again and again, changing your work, completely gessoing over if need be. I liked the freedom, the spontaneity, and the contemplative aspects of this process. I feel like I am ready to take it to another level now. I feel more confident.

That is probably the best part. Before today I honestly did not know if I had want I needed to do anything more than teach art. Today I know I do.

failed watercolor

I am signed up for a collage class on Wednesday... one of the things we have been asked to bring is one or two "failed watercolors" I didn't have any watercolors, let alone a failed one. So I have been painting for the last couple of days... several have been on watercolor paper, but this one on newspaper is my favorite... first of all I like to colors and shapes... I kept thinking about the prints my daughter had purchased on etsy... and about rocks and how they sit in a stream.

I am excited and fearful about this class... what if I am the least talented one there? The all thumbs one? The one who stutters and forgets her nouns? On the flip side I have so wanted to do this for myself and this is step one in the process.

Prescott weekend

I was invited to a wedding in Prescott. My best friend from a million years ago would be there. though I wasn't looking forward to the drive, I knew I would go, and a couple of days before the wedding my daughter asked if she and the two boys could tag along and take advantage of cooler weather.
Oh, yes, yes, yes... company would be much appreciated.
First stop, Lynx Lake... found a shady spot to park the car and a bit of shade on the shore to throw rocks and dangle out toes. Nice man next to us helped the boys fashion fishing poles out of sticks and then added line, a bobber, and a fine hook with a fake worm. Baby ducks amazed us as the dove under the water and bobbed back up to the surface like corks.

From the lake, we went to the hotel and everyone cooled off in the pool then dried themselves in the sun.

Katie stayed in town with the boys... she had places she could walk to they would enjoy and I headed off to Talking Rock for Erin and Brett's wedding.

Kay was there.... Erin's grandmother and the glue that holds the entire family together. She and I share the same birthday and for years we had classrooms next to one another. She wasn't too pleased about this picture... but I am.

Blurry picture ( I have the most trouble getting my camera to be still) but you can still see how beautiful the setting and the bride was.

Next day we hung around Prescott for a while, not wanting to return to Phoenix too soon. Pie is really tired, we kept him going the whole time... in fact he finally perked up when we sat down here, in this cool green grass to have lunch.

It was so heavenly cool and beautiful that K said she wanted to move to Prescott... everyone wants to move there, that is the problem.... she and William take a moment to watch clouds as the flit by.

The blue grass festival was in full swing. Music, mountain men, cowboys and saloon girls moved through the crowds... one fellow had a python the kids got to pet.

When I first decided to look for jobs in Arizona, there was an art opening in Prescott... I remember looking at where it was on the map and thinking it was just a little town too far from anything to consider. Chances are I would not have gotten the job anyway, but on Sunday I wondered how my life would be different if things had turned out the other way....

Later Sunday evening, I told a friend I had been to Prescott, and as always I wonder why I do not make the effort to go more often. It is certainly worth it.

first day of summer

it is June... June 20th to be exact... the first day of summer
and while still, in many places, people are delighting in the renewed bounty of the land
the sweet smell of lilac
the end of endless spring rains
and the first strong rays of sunshine in a very long while

I am shuttering my windows against the relentless sun
leaving the house only early in the morning or later in the afternoon
sipping cool water while wearing nearly nothing
and loving the frosted beauty of black raspberries thawing on the counter.

four

he is four

with some luck and a whole lot of prayer, he will grow out of this by the time he is twenty-four

chaos theory

... it has been a windy spring here and the weather has been weird... the weather in all of the US has been doing weird leaps and shudders... floods and drought, fire and tornado's... I said to a friend I wondered what butterfly batted its wings to set all of this in motion...

and so, because of this wondering, I am asking myself where this ever-growing remodeling venture began... and here is what I have come up with so far... in March I decided to clean my closet and as I cleaned my closet and then the linen closet, I decided to get rid of all my faded and nasty sheets (that meant all of them)... once the sheets were set in the get-rid-of pile, I looked at my duvet, purchased to match the sheets and thought out you go... from the duvet (it was sage green) I looked at my bedroom walls... they were pale sage green... and I began to visualize something less... palest blue? softest light cardboard? Something that said traditional is out and minimal is in... I started to bring home paint chips, and browse the "oops!" bin at Home Depot and found a pale cream color for only $5 (being cheap has led me to spending exorbitant amounts of money before... I should have known!) a couple days later at another Home Depot, I found the same color again on the "oops!" shelf... and a week later I found yet another gallon that was so similar I knew that blended I could not only paint my bedroom, but my extra room and the bathroom...

anyway, it led me to pulling at a corner of loose wallpaper and several days later popping off a loose tile in my shower... and today I sat and picked out counter tops and cabinets for a bathroom I thought only existed in much more expensive houses...

today, I went to the bank and opened a line of credit... enough for the bathroom and whatever might follow... you know the carpet in the bedroom is original and the house was built in 1978...

a couple months ago, my daughter told me she wanted to paint her hallway... I told her "don't do it! it never ends there!"

here's the thing though, I feel completely okay with the whole process... I'm a person who trusts my gut, and my gut is never wrong (ok, liz, when I bought the vacuum I felt sick inside almost immediately, it was completely different) this feels like when I decided to sell everything and just move 2000 miles from everything I knew with two kids... this will be okay... but I really must find someone to share this shower with me, it will be just too wonderful to shower alone every day...

now I am wondering what caused me to clean closets...

taking a break one room at a time

Yesterday I bought 143 tiles for 75 cents a piece from the Habitat for the Humanities store and then came home and began to pop old tiles off my shower wall... oh my god! not certain what I expected, but the dirt and lizard eggs came as a complete surprise... the fact that the wall board did not extend to the floor, but stopped about two inches above where the shower floor sat. kind of freaked for a moment and called V. to come just look at it... he should be here this afternoon.

met a nice 84 year old man and his wife at the Habitat store... his wife told me he charges $20 an hour and he gave me his phone number... shared my amazement/horror at water aerobics last night and one of the guys there said he had remodeled his bathrooms ten years ago and found the same thing... he told me I could do it.

I have two of the tiled walls down... taking a break, eating watermelon, filthy from head to toe... I feel half sick over the whole thing and am having the self-pep-talk I need to just put one foot in front of the other, face one problem then another... really, it is probably not as bad as I thought... all that old wall board needed to be torn out anyway... the water damage looks contained and that is a blessing... but as I continue I become more certain that the whole bathroom must go and be replaced.

I can do this. I will need a plumber at some point and the 84 year old's diamond cutter (he was a doll!) and I might have to get the guy from water aerobics and V. walk me through a thing or two, and possibly a small home improvement loan from the bank... but I am determined to start school on July 30 with a new bathroom.

I will post pictures when it no longer looks so scary.

peace & love

better

She feels better. For the past four days we did not know she didn't feel good... we just knew that she had seemed to slip down some kind of slippery slope and it had left us with feelings of finality, gloom. But on Friday she woke up and felt better. So there, Angel of Death. You must wait a bit longer.

She weighed 87 pounds when she realized she had become pregnant with me. I weighed 87 pounds in fifth grade. She probably weighed less than that 6 months after I was born... babies do that to women in my family.

She married for love. He loved her. He still does. He would do whatever it took to work things out. That after years of trying to figure their marriage out, is the only thing that has ever counted. He loves her and at nearly 60 years of what was sometimes a turbulent relationship she doesn't know what she would do without him.

She taught me more than anyone else on the planet. I have her body, only super-sized, and wish I had gotten her hair.

She has mellowed over the years, but in many respects she was always my champion and my prodding stick. I think her hopes and fears where often played out in how she was with me... I think all our hopes and fears are played out in our children. Especially the eldest, who we always have the most intimate relationship with.

Anyway, she feels better. I can have her a while longer. And that is good.

eternal life

My sister is visiting from Kentucky this week. She is here mostly to see my parents, my mom, really. But she also wants to see my grandsons, my daughter and me.

She brought these pictures with her so I could make copies. The one below was given to her by our grandmother. It is a picture of Ed Lewis and his family... my great-grandfather on my grandfather's side. She told me that when grandma gave her the picture she asked,"Do you see anyone familiar?" As it turns out, Papa (Ed) looks just like my sister. Same long face, same long nose, and unfortunately same thin lipped mouth.
She also brought this picture. It is my sister at 5 years old... probably her kindergarten picture. Look at the eyes, the nose. She was a real cutie before her face got so long and lean.

Now look at this dirty guy, the eyes, the nose... if we could see the mouth, we would see that his lips when held in a half smile look like the ones above.

We are going to have to keep an eye on him and these pictures as reference, just to see where the gene pool is leading us. My mom has said nearly from day one that this one is a Lewis...

Life goes on. If we are reborn in no other way, we are reborn in our children and our children's children.

My mom is going to die soon. I wonder what baby will be born that carries her beautiful face, her great hair and her fiery temper? Hope I am around when it happens.

Peace & Love

6/10 reality strikes

On Tuesday two big things happened. My sister arrived from Paducah, KY and Home Depot sent a guy to give me an estimate on a bathroom remodel...

It was great to see my sister, we talked, we went out for Indian buffet, we visited the parents, we went to water yoga, we read books in silence across from one another... she will be here five more days and then in a couple of weeks I will be heading to humid mosquito filled KY to spend some time with her and then swing north for a (gulp!) 41st high school reunion. (she says it is time we spent this kind of time together)

But it was the bathroom consult guy that completely captured my attention. Good grief, am I completely out of touch? I know you can no longer buy a new car for $2000, why did I think I could get my bathroom redone for under $5000? What was I thinking?

$16,000. That was the figure. I agreed to tear out all the old tile, fixtures, etc. and haul it away, plus take care of my own medicine cabinet/lighting issues and they would retile the shower and bathroom floor to match, install a new shower door, replace the cabinet, counter and plumbing fixtures... hmmm. The very nice looking gentleman told me it was a wonderful investment that would improve the resale value of my home... I smiled.

In the end, I just felt overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole thing. Even today, in my journal, most of what I wrote was ramblings about my bathroom... what to do about my bathroom...

Thank heaven my sister is here... that means any real decisions about the bathroom will need to be placed on hold for a couple of days. When she leaves I will decide, do I do it all myself? I am a pretty confident remodeler... or do I just do a paint, patch and seal job and say good enough?

What do you think? What do I do?

6/8 redecorating

I'd been practicing not looking too closely at my bathroom for a long time. I did not look too closely at the tile in the shower, at the 30 year old medicine cabinet, at the sorry wall paper job I did so many years ago, I could not recall what the bathroom had looked like before... but in the past week, I browsed through an article on updating your bathroom and started noticing how badly it needed a face lift. So, the other morning, before I could pause to think too much about what I was getting myself in for, I leaned down and pulled at a loose end of the paper and riiiippp, the bathroom project began.

What I uncovered were holes.... little holes where things had hung in years past, bigger holes where old towel bars used to be...

and one big hole... about as big as the toe of a shoe... that had been papered over, covered up, and forgotten.

As the paper came off and the holes became evident I took the time to look more closely at all those other things... the cabinet wasn't bad, but the counter top and medicine cabinet are so 1970's, mass construction, the lighting fixture is that make-up mirror style and I read that sconces are in now... and the tile in the shower... as old as the house and showing signs of water damage beneath needs complete replacement... and the floor, well if I do the rest it would just be a sin not to do the floor.

So off to Home Depot I go to just dream and a sales person came up to me and asked if I would like a free bathroom consultation. I responded, "Is today possible?" As it turns out today won't work, but next Tuesday afternoon will.

I patched the holes this morning, but will put off painting until after Tuesday. No point in painting only to have to re-paint.

I know I can do many things myself... even the tile work, but I really wonder if I want to. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in and do a professional job, just once?

I'll keep you posted on the final verdict.

6/6 day for plans

What to do when you miss the girl? You just go see her... and today I bought the tickets for an October flight. Not soon enough, but as soon as I can go. Feeling as I always do when I commit to big travel, a little anxious, a little excited, and because it is to see this one, a little weepy.

I also registered for two Art Unraveled classes. Both are in mediums that hold some fascination for me, wax and plaster. I saw my first encaustic painting in Ketchum, Idaho some years ago and with my nose about two inches from the piece I examined every inch of it... amazing! The way color moved through it, the layers, the luminosity... and since then I have been on this little quest to learn what I could about the techniques. At a different Ketchum gallery I remember when I saw for the first and last time what appeared to be a plaster book. It was fabulous! Texture, texture, texture and color in layers that was reminiscent of encaustic, but totally different, too.

The encaustic book I want is not available until June 15... I can't wait to get it and begin to experiment here, on my own. One problem is I do not have a good work space for this kind of thing... can you imagine wax on my back patio at 110 degrees... I certainly would not have to be concerned about it setting up on me too quickly... So I will begin on my beautiful dining table and just put down plastic and lots of newspaper.

Anyway, now that I spent $$ on air and great classes, the stove I want will suddenly be available and it will be time to plop down some cash for a kitchen remodel... this is how things go, am I right?

6/4 last day

wore the jeans. no one said a word, except dr. gleason, who told me we were not allowed to wear jeans today. i told him i knew that, but decided to wear them anyway.

honestly, i looked fine. better than fine. neat and tidy... no bra straps showing, no 3 inches of cleavage, no thong peaking out... just your basic conservative art gal.

write two pages on a small rebellion. write two pages on the musky smell of clay. write two pages on knowing when it is time to say goodbye.

my principal asked when i was coming in to paint my room... i laughed and told her I was so over that... told her i began to get over it when she suggested i do it in the next three days... told her to have a great summer...

write two pages on making friends. write two pages on getting over it.

tomorrow i start summer vacation, sigh! i feel the weight lifting already.

6/3 another day...

Odd not having classes but needing to go to work... to what? work in my room... which I did. Joyfully. Having completely gotten over the idea I would paint my classroom, I papered it with National Geographic maps and art clippings. At the end of the day I surveyed my dynasty and wondered if I would ever have the nerve to leave these safe, but often restrictive walls.

We have been told we do not qualify for a free "jeans day" tomorrow because 85% of the school did not complete some survey... this is why I have to leave... I am going to wear jeans... not because I want to, honestly, it is too darned hot to wear jeans.. but in protest. the principal specifically told the eighth graders they could not wear formals or spaghetti straps to the dance the other night, but she became blind when they arrived in formals and spaghetti straps... and 3" heels...no one will send me home to change.

I need to write two pages on clarity and two pages on being candid. I found two more classes to sign up for... encaustics... ooo, little leaps and jigs for joy.

Met Kel for margaritas and dinner tonight. She leaves for Chicago and the Midwest tomorrow. Nice.

Write two pages on what I don't find at church. Write two pages on intuition. Write two pages on this crazy fantasy I've been having.

june 2. Fifty-nine

7 am... ready to walk out the door. One of those, Iamholdingthecamerapicturesand hopingIdon'tlooklikeaIhaverecentlysufferedastroke shots. No smile and you can still see the pillow mark on my cheek. Age does not feel kind. I am fifty-nine today and can't even find a dog to get along with.

Oh, doesn't this look better? Taken at 7:30 pm... the light is softer, I have been playing with getting my picture in the mirror.... and look at me! New shawl and handmade earrings from my far-away daughter. thank you, thank you and they arrived just on time! The square beads on the earrings are beautifully cut and flash with light as I move my head. I could use a touch of lipstick, but other than that not too bad for a senior citizen.

On another (senior) note, I read an article by Abigail Thomas in my recent AARP magazine about writing. She's got a two page rule. Write two pages about the softest thing, write two pages on being cold, write two pages about a marriage proposal... I liked her article and then realized I had her book, Safekeeping, on my nightstand. Anyway, today on the way to work I was telling myself, write two pages about sleeping on the ground, write two pages about doing laundry, write two pages about what you can do with blue and orange....

Talked to my sister this evening. She will be here in a few days, told her we needed to take a walk around old Glendale and see if there is a studio for me there.... I'm looking for something. I'll know it when I find it.

June 1, hunger

where to begin?

Abby of the Arts? so much there. makes me hungry to shed this skin, this place, and soar. spirit. art. I've signed up for two classes since. Collage class in July and a writing class with author Natalie Goldberg in September.

I also visited this site. and now plan to purchase this book as soon as it is available.

and from the Judy Wise blog, I found this artist....from Phoenix and a k-8 art teacher. And I have been thinking about color, putting it on scraping it off and landscape.

oh. art. words. spirit. how do I get it? how do I fit it? how can I make this central?

and I look at this house and there is no place to do encaustics here... studio, studio... but where, how...

but somehow I've pushed off from the shore....