not yet

I was working when the other two arrived... occupied. It was easier for me then... one part of my brain said baby-baby, but the other half did its job and time passed... but this baby is coming in the middle of my summer break and it has my undivided attention and it is still not here. aauuggh!

Saw Kate today and she told of her niece calling and asking her what boy names she'd picked out... Katie's in laws know the sex, but no one here does... and so we sat and talked about boy names, letting the hope for a girl slip through our fingers... trying to lay it to rest... hoping to prepare ourselves. And I have been in prayer since then, one way or another, asking God to let my heart leap for joy at this new child no matter what it's sex is. But a heaviness is over me tonight and I am mourning.

Went to see the move Away We Go... about a couple, unmarried, who are having a child and thinking of that child, and their relationship to each other and their relationship to that child (a girl) and as the movie moves it shows many parents and a variety of styles and gives this couple many things to be afraid of... and while the movie is not a great movie, it is a good movie, and when they lay on the trampoline and promise each other all the things a couple needs to promise I was struck by the simplicity life could have if we did not put so many constraints on it.

So, I am thinking about living in a straightforward kind of way. I am thinking about saying this is what I want. I am 60... there are only so many good years left... I can't afford to waste any more time.

Baby soon... but that is another beginning... and one I can only participate in in a limited kind of way. What I need to do is find my own true north and steer toward it single-mindedly...

maybe today

No baby yet. This is what I say to anyone who asks, this is what I say to myself every morning when I rise, every evening when I go to bed. No baby yet... but soon. Any day now, maybe today.

Katie has begun to look tired and uncomfortable. She discovered another stretch mark and the doctor on Monday said when he felt her belly, oh-oh, which immediately brought her head off the table to say, what?!?, and he replied that this baby was about eight and a half pounds. (this is not news... they have all been over 8) Anyway, he said if not this week, then they would induce.

I want a girl... I'm trying so hard to just hold that want lightly, since I know I would love, love another little boy who when he reaches two and a half begins to say "penis" for the pure fun of it, whose first words are vroom or thp-thp-thp or beep beep, perfectly mimicking the sounds of jets or helicopters or dump trucks. Honestly I do love boys... but I want a girl. Someone who talks and negotiates her way through life. Someone who like the Queen of Hearts will put her heel down and cry "off with their heads!" Someone who grabs hold of life and shakes it until it coughs up what she wants. A girl, a master of her own destiny. That's what I want... though I would love a boy, too.

I'm ready for you I tell that round belly... I'm ready to meet you. Maybe it will be today...

been away

I've been in Santa Fe... and a little under the weather as well. That explains my absence... but I'm back and will try to be true to my blogging as the summer winds out.

I met Aunt Jean and my cousin, Teresa in Albuquerque. From there we took the shuttle to Santa Fe. Our goal, to walk down all the little roads, wander into every gallery, eat some authentic and inventive New Mexican cuisine... we managed to do most of it in the five days we were there.
Our room had windows that opened... so unusual for hotels anymore. The window could not be considered a "view: but it was enough that we could see the mountains to the east, hidden here by clouds. The rainbow hung around for quite a while as the storm rolled out of town leaving everything clean and sparkling.

We met up with Sara, friend of Teresa. She had recently moved to Taos and agreed to meet us in town and then drive out to Ghost Ranch and tour Georgia O'Keeffe's home. This is a picture of white cliffs that O'Keeffe painted many times. Look at how washed out the picture looks. I think it's the sunlight... so bright it washed all the color away.

Here we are. Sara took the shot... I do love this picture, it shows how much fun we really did have.

dear organizational consultant,

Ok. I bought the giant IKEA wardrobes and shelves to go in them (they are within 3" of the ceiling and were a bit of challenge to get up... thank God for an extra tall son-in-law)... I bought the Rubbermaid bins... I have them filled, although I admit I need to go through each bin and possibly throw out some more things... but mostly, the big clutter has become contained...

What I have now is the small clutter. The picture hanger nails, the odd marker, the funny looking thing I saved because I thought maybe someday I would do something with it... the three packages of fast drying clay I picked up maybe fifteen years ago... every single one of my yearly teacher evaluations... what was I thinking?!? ...

and here is really where the problem lies and I am asking for your thoughtful advice... I have every diploma I've ever received, including the one from elementary school that says I can go to high school, every grade card from 3rd - 8th grade, I open each one and read down the grades, I received a C in reading in 4th grade, I feel a bit sad for that little girl who didn't feel she fit into the new school... my baptismal certificate, a beautiful, four page document where my mother signs her name Amelia nee Berta under my dad's name Raymond J. Lewis, both names in my mom's handwriting... why did she write "nee", what does that mean, I know she was never fond of her middle name, and why did she use her maiden name... I could ask her, but she might not remember...my confirmation certificate was in the pile too. I find I am very reluctant to part with these things, but honestly, what am I keeping them for??? Right now, I've put them at the back of my file box but still wonder why why am I keeping this stuff.

I think these items are like all the pictures I cannot seem to part with... I can't part with even the bad pictures, the poorly taken ones... I find I am even saving the pictures of the people I do not know, who were alive before I was born... I do not need these pictures... I do not need memories of something that never was mine... but there they are in their albums and in the boxes I've stashed them in.

Anyway it is obvious I need help in these matters... so help me.

june 7

On Sunday's I always try to listen to Splendid Table on my local public radio... I'm not much of a cook, just enjoy listening to Lynn Rosetto Kasper's voice, she reminds me of my sister at her most dramatic... but the today I suddenly heard her mention preserved lemons and began to listen as closely as I could with Pete jabbering in my other ear... after every one left - the family had been over - I searched for the recipe, because while I knew what they were, I did not know what they were called until that moment.

I had a broccoli dish a week ago that was the best thing I've ever tasted... there were preserved lemons in the dish and peanuts, I think. Incredible flavor. On Splendid Table, Lynne Rosetto Kasper says they can make a chicken dish... I can certainly see why.

The recipe I've linked to says you need 8-10 lemons, but Kasper said three or four, so I think strict adherence is not necessary as long as proportions remain the same.

Anyway, I have some lemons and kosher salt, so my early project for Monday will be to make a jarful.

june 6

This is a corner of my office, and while it is not empty, it is virtually empty. When the day began, this table was completely covered with art and jewelry supplies, art tools, scraps of interesting paper, seed pods and nuts, wires and buttons. Not only was the table covered, but I had two rolling plastic drawer units that were completely jammed with supplies and the floor surrounding it all was covered with piles of the same kind of stuff. It is not gone, it has been reorganized into tubs - the same kind of art filing system I use at school - and the tubs are now stacked in my guest room awaiting their final home in tall IKEA cabinets. The wobbly card table with the vintage table cloth will be gone, the hand painted by William paper will be

moved to a different location, my vision board will be removed, revamped, and returned to a place it can remind me of where I am right now. In it's place will sit two IKEA wardrobe sized cabinets with two tubs on each shelf. I believe all my art, jewelry, sewing and knitting supplies will fit inside it. Mismatched drawer units will be gone. Organization will rule. And my hope is that art will happen because I no longer feel overwhelmed with the mess and can actually get to the things I need. Another self-portrait. I blew my hair straight. Feeling conflicted about it. Straight, curly, super short, or be patient and let it grow beyond this not-so-flattering stage?

6-5

The temperature has dropped and the breeze has picked up. A great day to get outside early and tackle the first item on my "get organized" agenda... my outdoor storage room.

For a storage room, it is quite large, about 8'x8'. But it has become a jumble of left over paint cans, wood scrap, a large mirror salvaged from my remodeled bathroom, art supplies and camping gear. I needed to create some order, but mostly I needed to clear some space, because now that I have a working sink in there, I'm thinking art-room... I'm tired of dreaming. It is time I had one.


First order of business was to get everything out, so pretty soon my whole patio area was covered with various piles... keep, recycle, give to Goodwill, pitch... and toxic wastes. My daughter came over and took a few things, my friend Jelene came by and took some more, I've put the paint to dispose of in a secluded spot and removed the lids... dried up paint can go in the garbage later. The recycle and Goodwill items are in my car and ready to go for tomorrow.

I hung the mirror-see the reflection - it makes me feel like I have more elbow room. I brought most of my paper -making supplies out here and tomorrow I will look for a blender at Goodwill (50% off Saturday). I found some things I'd completely forgotten about, designated a few things appropriate items for Christmas gifts and all-in-all accomplished what I'd set out to do, I have a place where art is possible... a place I can drip on the ground, where I have a large sink, etc... all I will need to do is pull my bicycle out and I'll be ready to go.

I had thought in the morning that I'd need to purchase a storage unit to put on my patio, but after just cleaning I see I have plenty of room.

Next week I tackle my office... with some luck I can get it under control as well.

Oh... no self-portrait... it was so horrible I just deleted it.

june 4-fossil creek

On a list of things to make your life better is "go sit by a stream" For the second year now I have taken that advice and taken my daughter & grandsons to Fossil Springs to catch crawdads and explore.
The day dawned with high clouds, unusual for Arizona in June, but unusual weather has become something of the norm lately, and an overcast day is always welcomed when you are going to be outside all day.

Very early on we realised the fishing poles I'd gotten were destined to become a huge tangle of fishing wire, so we abandoned them for the trusty nets we'd brought along and within minutes we began catching crawdads.

Along with crawdads, Katie discovered tadpoles, some with beginning legs, some without. The tadpoles were fun because you could touch them without getting pinched.

Tadpoles and frogs are native species that we want to keep in Arizona streams, but crawdads are invasive. When it was time to go, we sent the tadpoles back int the stream to grow up and have babies,

but the crayfish we took home . The forest service asks us to dispose of as many ans we can.

The boys slept all the way into Cave Creek, where we stopped for an ice cream cone.

It was a perfect day. I did nothing, really. Thought only about crayfish and little boys. Walked in the water, built a damn of rocks across the stream and thoroughly detached from the school year part of my life to the summer part.

june 3

First day of my summer vacation and the first order of business is cleaning... and I mean cleaning everything, from my toxic body to the storage room off my patio.

Last summer I began a remodel of my house and it looks great, but I have one or two cluttered, needs-order-now, areas. One of those is my storage room, which I'm going to try to clean into an outside art staging area and my office, where beyond my desk, art supplies lay in piles on the floor, the table, or stashed inside a couple plastic rolling bins. I didn't really start cleaning these today, but I did begin to brainstorm how I was going to manage the transition from piled and stashed to organized art materials and space. I think IKEA and several Rubbermaid tubs will do the trick inside and outside cleaning, throwing and rearranging might be all it really takes.

I began cleaning my intestinal tract today, too. Seems that by the end of every school year I've managed to let myself get run down from stress, poor eating habits and sporadic workouts. It will take a couple of weeks to get my body back on track, but I'm beginning today to take care of myself. Making time to be still, to exercise every day and to eat all the beautiful food that can make me feel great.

Not such a tall order, is it? Just get everything to run just a bit more smoothly... clear the clutter that causes me stress, eat great food and read great books, knit every day and go to my water aerobics class. What a great life!

June 2

June 2. My birthday. Also... and almost more importantly, the last day of school. I cleaned off my desk, turned in my keys, and headed off into my summer vacation.
Later, friend kel and I met to celebrate being 60 and the end of the year. She is heading to the Midwest to spend six weeks with friends and family. I will take a short trip to Santa Fe cruising the galleries, but most of my summer will be spent right here... really creating studio space, making paper every day, knitting knitting knitting, going to water aerobics and becoming a new grandmother for the third time. Can't wait to start.

Painted daisy's grace my dining room table.

june 1

Still fifty-nine... long day finally came to the end and while I was too late to participate in water aerobics, I was not too late to take some pictures.

What is the secret of taking your own picture? But I am not completely offended by this one. Almost 7 pm, by the pool.

my friend Pauline and another exerciser stretch after a good workout in the pool. Mmmm, the water looked so good. Even though I did not go in, this was the best part of my day.

Tomorrow, my birthday and the last day of school. Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

what I did, who I am

Decided I am going to try to chronicle the summer... which doesn't officially start for me until June 3. Taking one picture every day of what I have been doing and one self -portrait... here you will see a couple of what I've been doing and several self-portrait's since that is where i need the most practice... maybe.

Paper. I've been making paper. some of the gray-blue tones you see... how do you make rice paper? with rice?

In the kitchen. light coming in through the window, shade drawn, but still harsh light. Washes too much color out.

In the dining room. Light source nearly the same as the kitchen but I am standing further from the window... a little better. Color seems pretty natural.

In the living room. Northern light here and maybe the flash is at work. I think this is probably the best color for being realistic... and I like how my aging skin is a bit softened.

I did not take this picture today, Katie did. She threw a surprise birthday party for me... it was a surprise. She told me we were going to the pool and then out to dinner.
Me and just a few of the folks who decided to come... I feel truly blessed that so many people would take time out of their days to come say happy birthday to me.

fifty-nine

I'm fifty-nine... for two more days. All this year I've been saying, "I'm almost sixty." I have leaned toward the year ahead rather than claim this year, this time... but the last week or so I have been telling myself quietly that I am fifty-nine and I have been trying to figure out what this past decade has been about.

When I turned fifty... or maybe forty-nine... I told myself I was going to pledge to live my life like an adventure... and to a great extent I have, going to Alaska to raft the wild rivers, kayaking & river rafting in Costa Rica, climbing the mountains of Idaho, going to Glacier National Park, traveling to France, Switzerland and Italy. It's been good, and while adventure needs to always be part of my life, I think this next decade will be about something different. Joy maybe? Beauty? Love?

I don't quite have a word for it yet... my fried kel says, Enlightenment... 60 is the age of enlightenment...but that word is too vague for me.

Mostly, though I want to live my life head on and fully. I want to accept all the joy and happiness that comes my way, to cherish it, but hold it lightly. I want to work with beautiful colors and textures and play with them, experiment, and just experience the feeling of discovery that art is for me. I want to build relationships, to be open to the richness, the variety that life will offer me... I want to love people as they are, not so much as I would like them to be. I'd like to completely like to give up control in that department and just quit trying to mold folks into my image of perfection.

I want to allow myself to just be me... I will make a sign that says Happy Ending Art Studio and hang it somewhere where I can see it every day to remind myself that it already exists. I will enjoy and cherish my family but not lose myself in their lives. I will figure this out. I will definitely learn to take better pictures of myself....

Two more days. But until then, I will live this adventure.


Here are a couple pictures of the boys. W has a first class shiner and a new buzz cut. Pizza is just his normal 3 yr old self...

Easter breakfast at JB's... Mom was in good form.

He is so darned cute...a complete pain, but cute.

Saturday it rained and they jumped

He wiggled

puddle jumper...

He has his hat on.... and a black eye

cute, but one of us wiggled

I love this picture.....

not there

I'm not there. I'm here. Right here in sunny, crowded Phoenix Arizona. 68 degrees today and Richard, who is in 2nd grade, promised when I asked him, that he would not bounce in class tomorrow. He will bounce, but that is okay, too.

Where do I want to be? Lately not here... but looking at this spectacularly beautiful picture I know, not there, either.

Sunday

Already I am thinking about next weekend. My sister will be here. She flies in on Wednesday and I will pick her up, but take her to my parents house where she will stay until Friday after school when I will pick her up and bring her to my house.

It is Sunday and the dishwasher is running through it's cycles, the shades are pulled, the kitchen is cleanish, tomorrow's lunch is packed and ready to slip into my bag. Tomorrow I start a Rio Salado on line class. 45 hours of SEI for anyone that is interested. I won't have much time to devote to this class the first week... and the first week of an online class are always the most difficult for me, finding out where everything is, what the expectations are. But when it is done, it's done.

Told Katie I would come to dinner on Tuesday and see her newly stained concrete floor. I need to get in for an oil change this week and discovered a new coffee shop today on 59th Ave north of Union Hills called Next - I have three different scarves started and two bags and need to just finish something.

It will all be okay though. I made a really excellent dinner tonight and February 14 is just over a month away ... you are thinking Valentine's Day, right... but that is not it... on or around February 14 the weather changes and suddenly it is no longer winter, but spring. I can feel myself getting ready for spring.

distracted

My dad gave me three navel oranges yesterday. I've eaten one. His orange trees and grapefruit tree don't have much this year.... do you think they are conserving because of the economic downturn?

I've been distracted. Not on track. I think, in many respects, I don't know where my track is... but that is the bigger picture. Right now I am thinking more in terms of the smaller picture.

For instance, when I decided to take the above picture this afternoon, my camera told me it had no memory card. I threw the card away. I know I did. I took it out and gave it to the Ritz camera folks and they developed some pictures for me and gave me the pictures and an envelope back... I imagine the memory card was in there. In the envelope. But I have thrown the envelope away, given the pictures to my mom and daughter. By the time I got the pictures my mind was no longer on the memory card... it was on something else. Who knows what. Anyway, good thing I have a low memory, came-with-the-camera, card that was still in the box.
Bummer.

Today on the way back from the grocery store I got distracted by the quality of light on an elm tree(it just glowed), and while driving lately I get distracted by other things I see and catch myself not driving defensively, like you must in this town... dangerous!

I never was a linear kind of person. My mom has always blamed that on my being a Gemini... but now, at 59, my brain has become this floating mass of thoughts, ideas, and memories that merge and flow, slip and slide and I can't seem to get things to slow down enough to get hold of anything.

Today I was juried into an art coop. I'm like the grandma there. Silver hair, cut short, in an among all these 20 and 30 somethings. I will work at not telling them their music is too loud for me (and not really my style). Maybe I'll learn to like what they listen to... I'm going to practice that. I gave them my spiritual direction card (one of the guys asked if I had a card or a name I wanted to go by) and they did not miss a beat. Told me I could use the back room for spiritual direction. Acceptance. I've never experienced acceptance before. What a gift.

I need to ask my daughter to take about a dozen pictures of me in hopes that one will look decent enough for me to change the picture out in this blog. A kindergartner said to me Friday, "your hair is turning white!" oooooya....

One week back at work. All my art projects are going well, doing some things I've never done before or done, but with different age groups. It has been a struggle but exciting, too. I'm getting some of the stuff I ordered with the grant money and it is so much fun to pull it out and see what it will do. But, but, but I can tell that I am not there... the minute the kids walk out of the room my mind flits somewhere else and I have to lasso it back, tie it down, so I can get a lesson plan written, or set up for the next session.

I spent part of my day making tags and pricing my things for the coop. I'm putting them in on the 19th and paying my part of the rent. I don't really care about the money. I just really want to cover my expenses and the cost of my yarn habit... and I'd like to be open to teaching a workshop - art and spirit ... I'd like to say studio, studio, studio... and breathe some life into that.

Did I say the girl who invited me to join the coop is an elementary art teacher, too? She has straight hair... I think I would have been a different person if I'd had straight hair.

Isn't life wonderful and unexpected? Where will this crazy road lead me next?

I want to hang my head out the window and yell, I have no map! But maybe no one does (I hope Barack Obama has one). Maybe I should just quit worrying and turn this computer off and go make some pad thai, eat, and then curl up with a fire and my knitting.

Peace & Hope