not yet

I was working when the other two arrived... occupied. It was easier for me then... one part of my brain said baby-baby, but the other half did its job and time passed... but this baby is coming in the middle of my summer break and it has my undivided attention and it is still not here. aauuggh!

Saw Kate today and she told of her niece calling and asking her what boy names she'd picked out... Katie's in laws know the sex, but no one here does... and so we sat and talked about boy names, letting the hope for a girl slip through our fingers... trying to lay it to rest... hoping to prepare ourselves. And I have been in prayer since then, one way or another, asking God to let my heart leap for joy at this new child no matter what it's sex is. But a heaviness is over me tonight and I am mourning.

Went to see the move Away We Go... about a couple, unmarried, who are having a child and thinking of that child, and their relationship to each other and their relationship to that child (a girl) and as the movie moves it shows many parents and a variety of styles and gives this couple many things to be afraid of... and while the movie is not a great movie, it is a good movie, and when they lay on the trampoline and promise each other all the things a couple needs to promise I was struck by the simplicity life could have if we did not put so many constraints on it.

So, I am thinking about living in a straightforward kind of way. I am thinking about saying this is what I want. I am 60... there are only so many good years left... I can't afford to waste any more time.

Baby soon... but that is another beginning... and one I can only participate in in a limited kind of way. What I need to do is find my own true north and steer toward it single-mindedly...