walking where the path leads

there is something about a path that calls to me
something about an up hill grade, a few rocks
a cloudless sky
that beckons

some folks need a road map
they need to know
where the turns will be
how many speed bumps
they will encounter

me
I just need sturdy boots
and my hiking poles
and a place to start

what is coming
is coming
whether I can see it up ahead
or not

so you will find me
just walking wherever the path
leads

rain has come to the desert

I have been praying for rain for over a month. A nice day long soaker that would wash all the dust off, that would knock all the pollen from the air... and today we got it. My whole body is sighing.

After a morning of gathering clouds, the rain started in earnest around 1 pm and by 1:30 the lights began to flicker at school. When the power finally went out for good, I taught art class with the door open, so a little light could come in. The power went on and off for a while and then around 2 it went out all together. The kids were so excited... rain is such a wonderful change here. They longed to go out and run in it... to get wet... to scream and squeal... and as the final bell rang, they had their chance as we shepherded them out the doors and to the waiting buses and cars. There I was, bundled, with an umbrella, telling them to stay out of the puddles and there they were laughing and dancing trying so hard to make a great splash without being scolded. They were so happy and so was I. I could not be too harsh in the face of such joy.

I just spoke to my daughter... the boys had just come in from running through puddles... W. got on the phone and told me all about it.... K. said she was freezing, but the boys didn't seem to be cold at all... she has a turkey in the oven and is about to put in the squash, so her kitchen should be toasty. I am thinking about a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of tomato soup... my family's version of comfort food. I recall it was the traditional no-meat-Friday meal.

I am so glad it is Friday. I am so thankful it is raining. I hope it keeps up all night long.

advent

On Sunday, after days of searching, I got a new library card. Today I found my old one... right where it was supposed to be, right where I had looked and looked. The librarian told me when she took my $2.00 fee that I would find my old one.

Advent begins on Sunday. For several years I have tried to keep this season sacred, hoping to not get too caught up in the commercial hustle bustle.

Advent is a time that begins in shadow and ends in the joy of rebirth. The Christian tradition begins the season with the Israelites in exile and ends it with the hope and promise of a new life. It is the time of the year when the days become shorter and shorter until the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice on December 22.

This year I am going to try to post every day of the advent. I am going to use as my guide, Night Visions by Jan Richardson. Maybe you would like to join me.

five really good things

1. I am sitting here, in my cozy home with a nice glass of Black Mountain Shiraz enjoying my favorite blogs.
2. The second graders finished up their gingerbread men... we cut them out of construction paper, and the last two days they have been making clothes for them paper-doll style... they loved doing this... all while listening to my Funky Christmas Mix given to me a couple years ago by my daughter Liz. The kids danced about as they worked. I love when art and creativity can be this much fun.
3. I went to see my cranial sacral guru today. Oh, what a piece of heaven that one-hour session was.
4. I got to wear my olive vintage wool sweater with the shell buttons today. It always lifts my spirits when the weather permits the wearing of a sweater.
5. I did not run out of gas on the way home. Whew! It was really a close one though.

taking pictures

Today, I have been practicing taking pictures. The one above is W. and I making brandy balls... a sure sign that Christmas is right around the corner. His mom took the picture. As you can see, he was goofing around.

I moved my basil into the sun yesterday. In the summer I need to keep it in a place where it does not get burnt, but it is late November... and the shadows are getting long. Even after a few hours, it is really perking up.

A necklace I finished yesterday. I am still in my 'use up the odds and ends' phase. These pieces are what is left of a necklace I made for a friend of mine.... coppery sparkle throughout. (see the strap from my camera dangling down... need to clean that up.

I took this picture outside on a piece of blue construction paper. I made this bracelet a couple years ago. It is one of my favorites and when I open my etsy store, this is probably the type of bracelet I need to do.

This is the type of bracelet I have been making the last couple weeks. These are for a craft sale, and I have discovered that price really matters there. This bracelet will run around $6. Worn alone it looks lovely and delicate, but when worn with two or three others it has movement and texture. Something I like.

Another bracelet... this one with silvery foil wrapped glass beads and one cast bead of green.

A couple more beaded bracelets ... and a camera strap...

Last, Mediterranean blue sea glass strung on jute and ribbon... beautiful weight and color, but the picture, I think, is too blue. I think I need a different background here.

Oh, and check out the new photo of me... I wanted you to see my longer, fuller hair... but what I feel like you see is saggy skin and droopy eyes...

I will keep trying.

how we live

picture by ueli bula artbula.ch

I love this picture. It is on a card I purchased at a shop in Geneve last March. I love the white line of quartz that connects the weather-worn stones. It reminds me of who we are. Separate entities who, in time, get all our rough edges worn away. Separate, but connected by the same vein.

I collect rocks, I am very particular about what I choose. Most need to fit within the palm of my hand. All need to show evidence of water, wind and sand at work. Many have veins like the ones you see here... I have always been drawn to these straight crystal lines.

I have been thinking about moving. Selling my townhouse and buying a house near to my youngest daughter. It feels like a practical choice and one that I am increasingly at peace with. I would be more able to lend a hand with the boys, and as I age, she would be nearby to support me. There are a few houses in her neighborhood on the market... and one, in the next block, is of interest to me.

I am still in the "thinking about it" stage... one of my criteria is, if I uproot myself from this townhouse I'm comfortable in, then I want the house to be the way I want it. Garage. Split bedrooms. Open floor plan. Studio. This little house does not have those things... but I think it could have them with a little remodeling.

The other day I picked up a Tucson magazine that showed a house just like I would want. Since seeing the article my mind has begun to chunk along, dreaming of where I would put the garage, the studio, how I could knock out walls and open up doors. I haven't done anything concrete, like see the house, or find out about costs... I am just dreaming.

So yesterday, while at my parents, I started to tell my mom about the magazine and how the rooms looked, and my dad tells me that Bill W., a friend of his, said that if I moved near my daughter I would turn into a cheap babysitter and I wouldn't have a life... and I said, I don't have a life now... and he got quiet and said, no, I guess you don't.

This moved into questioning by my mom about whether I thought I would ever get married again...

But you know, I do have a life. It is just not the life of a couple.

I understand them. I understand their hopes and dreams for me. I know they want to see me safe and "settled"... don't I feel the same way about my own kids?

But I think that in past generations, families lived close together, and that the unit superseded the individual. In my dad's family I watched my great grandmother live with her daughter for over twenty years. I saw my grandmother give herself to her husband when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

Since the morning I first held my eldest daughter in my arms, I was smitten. Family, I think it is all important to me.

Sure, there are still lots of things I would like to do. And there are still people I would like to meet. A friend of mine asked me if I would be interested in going to Machu Pichu with her in a couple of years, and I have a class reunion next July. My friend Kel and I are moving in the direction of entrepreneur-ship. So there is lots coming up that is filled with adventure and possibility.

But my life is not so much about what I do anymore, as it is about how I live where I am. I think this is the quartz vein that runs through me. The vein of family. The vein of connection. The vein of love, hope and joy.

p.s there is a robin sitting in the pine tree outside my window. while I have seen robins in Arizona, I have never seen one in Phoenix. Cool!

just a few things I am thankful for today

Pete, who only ate the whipped cream, chocolate chips and cherries off his kiddie pancake at IHOP.

William, who told me he was climbing "just like Daddy".

My cluttered desk, filled with ideas, scraps of color I find interesting, six broken pencils, one confiscated toy, and things to grade. See the green notebook... that is where the lesson plans are.

My classroom, my own little kingdom of creativity. Now with much better light.

and tempera paint.

and you Liz. And Mom and Dad. And Katie & Will.

comfort zone

Today in church, the minister was talking about what we remember, culturally. She said some folks don't really know who the Beatles were, lots of people can't tell you anymore where they were the day John Kennedy was shot, and almost no one knows the words to "Hey Paul, Hey Paula". And while she was talking, my mind did a little walk-about and I began thinking about comfort zones.

I think I have lost mine.

A couple years ago a woman I know, who had been recently and rather bitterly divorced, told me she was looking for a man her age, her faith, who was looking for his soul mate... while I told her gently, that I would keep my eyes open...I scoffed at her naivete. I wanted to tell her to get that silly notion out of her head. I recall I thought about the potential "soul mates" I had met in my 20+ years of divorced single life, and that the more "soul mate" like they seemed, the more disappointed I was when things fell apart. I remember thinking life was better, less disappointing, if you let the criteria be a bit looser... if you were willing to compromise a bit and accept a lesser mate.

My youngest daughter has this rather detailed description of the kind of female friends she would like to have. It will be tough finding the right person who will fit. She is a young stay-at-home-mom. She is looking for another young stay-at-home-mom who likes what she likes. It seems so little to ask, and yet meaningful connection has got to be the single hardest thing to find.

The divorced woman, my daughter, only want to find their comfort zone. They only want to find shelter in shared experience. I was wrong thinking that a near fit was better than no fit. Like a cute pair of shoes that rub blisters into your feet, a connection that only partially works finally needs to be set aside. Sure we have friends, relationships, that only work in certain places. I once told a woman that I had one-hour friends, two-hour friends, day-long friends and entire weekend friends. I even have a two week vacation friend. They are great people. I value them completely and need them in my life. But today, and maybe even last week, as I longed for a class-reunion, I am longing for more. I want to find my comfort zone... that perfect place where I can settle in and say, "ahhh."

Right now, my only hope is that my comfort zone is searching for me, too.

when I know it is all bigger than I am

In the last week or so I have been feeling pretty good... I have this little smile... I have been remembering to say "thank you" to God and the Universe... I have been feeling creative (I made six bracelets this morning! Oh, my!)...and I am still furiously knitting away on the scarf. I have been browsing the etsy site at lunch every day, and I feel this excitement building because of that, and my business cards, and this outrageous feeling of possibility that has overtaken me.

Anyway, while all this near-euphoria has been going on, I have been driving myself to work and working, of course, and allowing my mind to wander...and in the midst of this wandering, my mind has said to me at least twice, that I needed to contact the one and only person from high school that I still know, Steve, and tell him we need to have a reunion... it has been forty-one years and no reunion... and I am ready. I have actually thought, "why haven't we had a reunion?"... honest, it has been a reoccurring thought in the last several days... and one that I really never had before... and today I get, tucked in a pile of junk mail, a card telling me that the class of 1967 is planning a reunion on July 12, 2008.

I am supposed to go.

I have had this kind of thing happen to me before. This thinking about something or someone and then to have that thing happen or that someone call. I know that this is not an accident or coincidence. I know that I need to pay attention to what is happening, even though I have no idea what to expect. What a wild ride we are on.

So, Illinois in July. People I have not seen in forty years. Could be a little stressful. I need to become serious about abs.

You know, this is meant to be... that is what I think anyway... and that thought both comforts and alarms me...

scrap yarn

Last night I started this scarf from odds and ends, left-over yarn. The pattern is one I found in the Last Minute Knitted Gifts book. It is called a mistake rib. You cast on an odd number of stitches and then knit two, purl two, until you get to the end and then you just knit (or purl) one, turn and begin the k2,p2 pattern again... and what you get is this really defined but textural rib. I am doing two rows of solid and one of the multi.

I love it! As I am watching the texture and the color roll out I am wondering what this stitch would look like in a hat... a sweater.... a vest.

Plus, look at this picture! Taken with my old camera but set on the "tulip". I really held myself as still as possible, because I do think I have some problems in that department and then, when I up-loaded it to my computer I lightened it up. I think it looks pretty good.

what I learned today

If you hand out four brand new business cards and act like you really are that person some folks will take you very seriously.



A macro lens is a camera lens for very close shots... but that I can set my 35mm to get the same thing and that many digitals can be programmed to take macro photos. Now all I need to do is do a little experimenting and maybe ask for professional help.



Some folks who sell on etsy do not have cameras any better than the one my daughter was critical of... but I want a better one now, anyway.



If you tell the 8th graders that anyone who does not complete the assignment will get no higher than a D in the class, that they all get quiet and busy. Now why did I not do that before?!?



The patterns in Last Minute Knitted Gifts by Joelle Hoverson could possibly take me until next Christmas to finish.



Because of my eldest, I am now recieving the Urban Outfitters catalogue... and there is a sweater in it that has a vertical cable knit with an assymetrical button closure. Very interesting. I wonder if I could knit something like that using scrap yarn?

While walking early this morning I saw Casiopia and both dippers and, last, the small smile I have carried around all day is still sitting right here on my lips.

ps. I am just goshing with you, Lou, on the critical criticism...

end of a three-day-weekend

Ahhhh! this has been the best. Three glorious days to just be me.

Lately I revel in my off-time. I have fallen absolutely in love with staying home, the sun coming in the window, the clean clothes hanging on the line... the sitting at my table and playing around with beads or sitting on the sofa watching TV and knitting up scarves from scrap yarn....

Scrap yarn scarves are a bit of long shot... I have really no idea how they might turn out... but I am knitting away, letting the process take the lead. Right now I am working on one that is all shades of purple with this creamy bit thrown in... hideous combination... but in the end it might just be okay. I am tackling my stash of beads the same way... just stringing and knotting and combining. Not thinking much, just doing. For right now this seems to be exactly how I need to handle this creative push I feel I am in.

I cleaned out a basket of yarns this afternoon... all ends of skeins, left-overs from projects... maybe I should make a sweater. One that is solid at the bottom but one that turns into crazy stripes near the shoulder area. I checked out a couple knit books from the library. One, The Twisted Sisters Knit Sweaters by Lynne Vogel, takes a very creative approach to the sweater. It even shows how to change the pattern from a horizontal knit to a vertical. Vertical stripes might be nice too.

Anyway, I am having fun and I am producing things... I am saying for my etsy shop... but I need to purchase a camera. My daughter, who was critical of my knives (poor knives) has told me I need to do something about the camera I use. Oh well, one thing at a time.

Dang! I have to go back to work tomorrow... and just when I was beginning to have some fun.

perhaps opportunity knocks

It has been quite a week so far. Monday began a new rotation of kids coming into my classroom and by Monday at 3:30 pm I knew I would have my hands very full for the next ten days.

I teach art. The truth is I love to teach art. I like to think up the projects, I like to break them down into small teachable parts, I like to see how different students find different solutions for my assignments... I like it when things do not turn out as I had hoped, but better... or at least surprisingly different. I like tempera paint and construction paper... but what I do not like is the struggle. The struggle to get kids to just be quiet, to listen to instructions the first time, the struggle to get them to care one little bit about what they are doing. I do not like the rudeness. I do not like having to arm myself with discipline plans and strategies every day. I do not like calling parents telling them their child is not behaving. I don't like it. Not one bit.

Yesterday in a meeting, Richard, the art teacher's link to the West Valley Arts Council mentioned that there was a demand for private lessons in the valley and that if any of us were interested in starting a small business we should let him know.

And I thought, "I had business cards made up last week."

Opportunity. Are you knocking on my door?

artandspiritbead

Kelly called and got me out of bed early this morning. Her mind had been churning since four a.m. and she wanted to meet for coffee... she had things to tell me... she had assignments for me... so I pulled myself out and met her at AJ's patio for a cup of joe and a kutchen.

She was brimming with ideas! Perhaps all this energy was coming from the chakra cleansing she had the day before... perhaps she was just experiencing a power surge... whatever it was she had a list of to-do's and some of them were for me.

She told me I needed to get business cards by the end of the week, I needed to write a one paragraph profile again by the end of the week, and I needed to develop a mock brochure. I also needed to check with Kinkos about printing brochures and check on an Etsy store.

I get all this before 8 a.m.... I am not experiencing a power surge. I am feeling more like I am dragging myself out of a deep well. I smile, I agree, but I can tell that my level of excitement is not meeting hers.

The rest of the day begins to roll out... a trip to my daughter's to help her with a craft project that has her stumped, a quick jaunt to the Goodwill (they were having a half price sale... I bought this beaded thing for the beads), a drive around the block looking to see what is for sale in her neighborhood, then to the gym mostly for the pool and the steam room... back home, a load of laundry, a salad for dinner and finally I sat down and designed and ordered business cards, set up a business related e-mail and began the process of defining who I am.

My business e-mail is artandspiritbead@gmail.com