getting there

I'm getting there.
Most gifts purchased, wrapped and under the tree. I can now see the dining room table.
A fresh wreath on the door. Tree trimmed. Candles in the candle holders. Plenty of fake logs - lame I know, but it is Arizona, and the fake ones pollute less.
Cookies and cookies and cookies.
Menus planned.
Tomorrow I will clean the bathrooms and check that the linens are fresh.
Monday Liz will be here!!!! I can't wait to see her... and this new person she is bringing along. This new person who wants to meet her family (just the teeniest bit stressful).

This old year is slip sliding away and though I want to savor every moment of this next week when I have my daughter here, I am so looking forward to the clean slate of a new year and a new beginning.

my day

Today is Monday... all day... and the kids came to school with no brain. Their bodies were there, but nothing else... a perpendicular line... they had no idea what that was.... they could not remember anything about last week. what they learned, where we were with the project... I told them we would try again tomorrow. I can appreciate where they are... I am barely there as well. It was the same for all the grades... paint. glue. They could do those things.... they just could not think about it.

I pulled a boy's tooth today! My first ever. What fun... his tooth was so loose at lunch he was having trouble eating and the gal I do lunch duty with asked me if we should send him to the nurse... I scoffed... it is a tooth, I said. I will pull it out if he needs it... I went over to him and offered to pull his tooth and he clamped his hand over his mouth and gave me this big-eyed no! No, he wanted nothing to do with me pulling his tooth... but later, out on the field he came to me and asked if I would pull it. Sure, I said. .. and he opened his mouth (turn your head Kathy, no I did not have on latex gloves, I had not washed my hands with sanitizer... ) and I put two fingers on the tooth and out it came.... was the thing connected at all??? His eyes got huge, he stuck his finger in his mouth and felt the spot where the tooth had been. I put the tooth in his jacket pocket (it zipped) and later saw him with his tooth out, showing a girl, with the biggest grin on his face. Pretty exciting for both of us, really.

My mom is in the hospital. She fell and cut her head and needed stitches, (her head is wrapped up like Marley's Ghost)... but because of her age and how fragile she is, they kept her. I went to see her and aside from the fact that she complained about the hospital food as she ate nearly every bite and asked the same questions over and over, she seemed pretty good. My dad thought he would be able to bring her home today... now he thinks it will be tomorrow. Borrowed time. That's what they are living on. All I can do is love her, love them both.

After I went to the hospital I came home and ate a light dinner and then went to the gym to walk the tread mill and take the palates class... I feel like an awkward cow in that class, but the music and the instructor are fabulous... so I will stick it out until I improve.

number three

Pete's 3rd birthday and we are at the fire department. The whole force turned out for him and the kids and parents who attended. It was really great, even I learned a thing or two about what a fireman does.
like the foam they mix into the water is often just detergent.... the detergent acts to smother the flames... even the water coming from this hose was laced with this foaming stuff.

W gets his shot at manning the hose. They saw the ladder go up on the fire engine, watched the helicopter take off and land, saw where the fireman lived and had about a hundred questions answered... The guys at the fire department were great.

They even had a few minutes to play around the water before they were herded off to see something else.

Even Mom was given a turn to have some fun as she donned the fire suit complete to helmet, mask and oxygen tank...

Star gazing

My grandmother's sugar cookie recipe. She made them every Christmas and every Easter they would reappear as chicks and lambs... they were so good.

She decorated each one individually, red icing for the Santa's, green for the Christmas trees. The stars were yellow and blue. The icing had a hint of almond and the cookies did not taste that good the first day... it was when they were three or four days old that the frosting and the cookie part finally came together. I have her recipe (I got it from my sister, since the last time I asked Gram for it she told me she had already given it to me... apparently one shot was all you get).

I only made stars this year. White icing with blue and yellow sprinkles. Kept my life a bit easier. 68 cookies in all. I had pondered taking them to the cookie exchange... but these, I think I will hang onto. Share them with family and friends in the weeks ahead.

They sat on my counter tops for hours drying before I could put them into tins, then it took several hits with a wash cloth and a scrubby to get the dried frosting off the counter.
But I find them nearly perfect. They are Christmas for some reason.

I have a week until the cookie exchange.... I'll come up with something.

mess

As I sit here, in front of my computer I can see into my kitchen. My kitchen is a mess. A couple of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean waiting to be put away, a Kitchen Aide mixer sitting out waiting for the next batch of cookies, some clean towels, some not so clean, a cook book, a bag of flour... disarray.

I went to my cranial sacral person today... she moved some of the bones in my head and my headache is mostly gone and my eye-twitch is a thing of the past... if you do not have a cranial sacral person find one immediately...

I went to the dentist, too. Needed three little fillings that they managed without the need for pain killers... no numb mouth, hallelujah!

I also went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical, an hour with my trainer, and 20 in the jacuzzi

Then easy dinner, then Private Practice, then here... no dishes done tonight...

I am a morning person. tomorrow morning the clutter will bother me, but right now I am just going to turn off the light and mosey down the hall to my bedroom and crawl into my unmade bed and read until my eyes no longer focus... not a bad plan.

faking it

I wrote and reminded my book group we meet next Monday and asked for an rsvp... but I did not mention I have completely forgotten what book we are to read or where I have put it.

I'm not too worried really. The book is short and it must be around here somewhere.

normal... for my age

On Saturday I had a cat scan... long story short, I smacked my head a couple weeks ago and the pain had not gone away and I had developed an annoying twitch on my right eyelid and the school nurse said maybe it was a hematoma and a friend of mine freaked out and said I might die and must seek medical attention immediately, and so Saturday I went to emergent care and they sent me for a cat scan and the results said my brain was "normal for my age"

Now what the hell does that mean?

For a couple years I subscribed to the magazine More, the one that says it celebrated the over forty woman... but every ad is filled with age defying makeup and hair color... all the models have flawless skin and if they are forty, fifty, or heaven forbid, MY AGE, well, then the editors and photo people have been pretty generous with the airbrushing... I didn't think they were celebrating at all. They were trying to tell us how with just a little more effort, with a few more dollars spent, we could remain 30-40 forever. I don't think it works that way.

I don't know who I am anymore... normal for my age... what is normal?

Things are happening to my body that are truly alarming... flesh, skin is accumulating in the darnedest places. I can fill in my bra with skin that I scoop from here and there... the skin around my knees is sagging and I will not even begin to talk about my stomach, which first thing in the morning, when I am standing and holding it in looks pretty much like it used to, but by evening has puddled down into this forlorn sack under my rib cage. The other day I commented that I had a brace on my knee, orthodics in my shoes, and a magnetic bracelet on my arm... I remember my friend and I doubled over laughing at the pathetic truth of the situation... but then later that day I got a call from the doctors office that I had mild carpal tunnel and should wear arm braces to bed every night.

Over a year ago, I made a break with the life I had told myself I would lead. Since then I have been floundering a bit... trying to get my sea legs, so to speak. Trying to find out who I really am. Letting my hair go gray and naturally curly. It's been like a bumper car ride, careening this way and that. Connecting to things that feel like Source, like art and spirit and grandchildren... and then bumping into that other thing... what is it... I don't have a word for it, but you know what I mean... that thing that makes you feel unsuccessful, unloved, and old.

So that's why the words normal for her age struck me so hard... that is what I'd like to be, just normal for my age, but I don't know what that is anymore... there doesn't seem to be a model for it out there. I am really tired of chasing the brass ring of youth but not yet ready for the old folks home either. There is an in-between time, isn't there? Just a few years of grace when you are certain about what you needn't do anymore. Those few years when your voice is strong and so is your resolve. That time when you are finally wise and powerful and beautiful... but in a classical sense, like an old Victorian home that has been well maintained or a tree or a smooth stone...

Normal for my age. People my age cry for no reason at all, they like comfortable clothes, and cannot tolerate bullshit or wasted energy. People my age have some wrinkles and saggy skin and knees that give them fits. People my age live with a little pain and learn how to ignore it. People my age like a glass of wine, Meet the Press, and other people who can remember the words to Hey Paul, Hey Paula and Soldier Boy. People my age appreciate quiet and beauty and a little sarcasm. People my age know how to suit themselves and sometimes do so at the expense of someone else's comfort.... or at least that's what I think.

Maybe it has nothing to do with age. Maybe it just has to do with me. What do you think?