Sunday Scribblings: Date

Today I went to AJ's to meet K. for coffee and a catch-up talk. She didn't come.

This is the kind of person I am. I make a commitment, I work to keep it. Now I tell myself that this is an anal attitude. I know that it is not necessarily healthy and that I need to become more gentle with myself and with others. Some promises, you cannot, should not keep... I know all this... but a lifetime of learned expectation is hard to break.

On the drive to AJ's I realized I did not have my cell phone. I remember thinking I should have brought it, in case I needed to call K. Somehow, even then, I sensed there might be a glitch in the plan.

When I got there and did not see her, I ordered a coffee, found a table where I would be easily seen, in the sun, pulled out the book I was reading, The Year of Magical Thinking, and began to read. It was lovely there, sitting in the sun. I think, only in Arizona can it be only forty degrees, but you can sit outside in the sun and be warmed all the way through.

I read the line, "it was like being nibbled to death by ducks." and immediately knew I what that felt like. I read, "I wrote the column letting readers know who I was." and thought I had a long way to go before I could write like that... but that I wanted to. I enjoyed myself. I jotted notes in my journal. I asked why I did not give myself the gift of sitting quietly, reading in the sun more often? I also knew she didn't arrive.

I wrote in my journal, "promise... forgiven but noted none the less".

When I got home, I checked my phone. No messages.

She said she called last night and left a message, but I had checked my machine and it did not have one... I do know, though, that my message machine is not getting everything.
She said maybe we could get together tomorrow... and maybe we can...
but at the moment, I am not ready to make it a date.