I think I am trying too hard. A sure sign of this is when I continue to slam into the same wall over and over again... or when I wake up at 3 a.m. with a new strategy for an old problem... or when I get this little sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not really being true to myself.
I was once told, while finding my way into meditation that I needed to quit trying. I remember I said, "I am trying to quit trying!" and how we all laughed at the answer... and then one day I did. And it was wonderful.
So all day today I have been whispering to myself that I need to quit trying. I need to attend to myself and live in just the moment. I need to let go of other peoples notions of who I am... I need to let go of my notions of who some people are... or could be, if I just worked at them a teeny bit more. I need to just breathe. I need to seek that spacious space where stuff just works out, and I don't have to dink with it.
Damn, why is this so hard? Why is just living so damned hard? Why is just letting go so slippery, so difficult to just relax into?
When I quit trying before, I told people it was as simple as stepping off a curb. And it was. It is the getting there that is difficult. It is even knowing that there is a curb to step off of. It is knowing that the step is just that far. A little step. A baby step. A safe step.
We get so caught in trying. It seems such a noble pursuit. We are asked to give a bit more, try a little harder, to be passionate about our jobs, relationships, beliefs... all of this striving to be just a little more... and it is complete bunk.
Anyway, for at least tonight, I quit! I am done with trying... at least until the next time.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
we need to talk
Years ago, on my Mom and Dad's bookshelf, sat a book titled Friends and Lovers. It had been my Aunt Jane's book, which meant when I read it in high school it was already thirty years old... written sometime in the early 30's.
Friends and lovers... those things we seek, but only occassionally find. Making genuine connections feels like the single most challenging thing in the world to me... and the single most important.
On Friday, I spent the evening with a friend where we listened and talked, and talked and listened... trying to make sense, find clarity, see a path. We talked about jobs, dreams, the relationships we found ourselves in and the relationships we see slipping away.
I thought of a conversation I had with another friend a couple of years ago. He told me of a couple who opened a yoga studio that turned to him when their business began to flounder. He said he had asked them to develop a business plan, and was surprised when they resisted. They did not believe that living their passion required a business plan. Pat told me that this was one of the biggest stumbling blocks for a new business... I think it is a stumbling block in relationships, too.
Friday, I told K. this story and told her that one of the best parts of my long-gone marriage was that we were partners... certainly in business, but also in the way we approached our marriage. I had a real sense of where we could go, of what the possibilities were. The fact that the marriage failed had nothing to do with that initial agreement, and I find myself, twenty-five years later grieving what might have been had the glue not gone.
We need to talk... don't you just hate those words? I do. I hear those words coming from my mom, or worse, my dad... or Lori, my boss... and I just cringe! We-need-to-talk means that I am somehow in trouble, that I might be scolded, and that I will be clearly at a disadvantage in the discussion, yet I have said to people I am trying to build a relationship with that we need to talk... and we do need to talk. So how do we get to those essential conversations in a non-confrontational way? How can we talk in a way that gives both parties equal power?
I think we need a business plan... or at least an order-of-business plan and here is my suggestion pulled in part from the Small Business Administration's web site.
I. Introduction
A. Definition of who we are now
B. Objectives
C. Mission statement
D. Keys to sucess - or how we messure success
II. Ownership
A. History
B. Strategy and Implementation
III. Management plan
A. Personal plan
IV. Financial plan
I don't know if this will work. I don't even know if it should work... but this I do know, I would benefit from entering a conversation with some of these guidelines and maybe someone else would too.
Friends and lovers... those things we seek, but only occassionally find. Making genuine connections feels like the single most challenging thing in the world to me... and the single most important.
On Friday, I spent the evening with a friend where we listened and talked, and talked and listened... trying to make sense, find clarity, see a path. We talked about jobs, dreams, the relationships we found ourselves in and the relationships we see slipping away.
I thought of a conversation I had with another friend a couple of years ago. He told me of a couple who opened a yoga studio that turned to him when their business began to flounder. He said he had asked them to develop a business plan, and was surprised when they resisted. They did not believe that living their passion required a business plan. Pat told me that this was one of the biggest stumbling blocks for a new business... I think it is a stumbling block in relationships, too.
Friday, I told K. this story and told her that one of the best parts of my long-gone marriage was that we were partners... certainly in business, but also in the way we approached our marriage. I had a real sense of where we could go, of what the possibilities were. The fact that the marriage failed had nothing to do with that initial agreement, and I find myself, twenty-five years later grieving what might have been had the glue not gone.
We need to talk... don't you just hate those words? I do. I hear those words coming from my mom, or worse, my dad... or Lori, my boss... and I just cringe! We-need-to-talk means that I am somehow in trouble, that I might be scolded, and that I will be clearly at a disadvantage in the discussion, yet I have said to people I am trying to build a relationship with that we need to talk... and we do need to talk. So how do we get to those essential conversations in a non-confrontational way? How can we talk in a way that gives both parties equal power?
I think we need a business plan... or at least an order-of-business plan and here is my suggestion pulled in part from the Small Business Administration's web site.
I. Introduction
A. Definition of who we are now
B. Objectives
C. Mission statement
D. Keys to sucess - or how we messure success
II. Ownership
A. History
B. Strategy and Implementation
III. Management plan
A. Personal plan
IV. Financial plan
I don't know if this will work. I don't even know if it should work... but this I do know, I would benefit from entering a conversation with some of these guidelines and maybe someone else would too.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
hump-day
Today I snuck out of school a bit early and...
got a flu shot - ouch! but now I can thumb my nose at some of those pesky viruses
went to Borders and bought a CD.... Jesca Hoop... Kismet... I like it as much as I thought I would...wonderful voice... on the front of the case was a sticker that said listening to this CD was like swimming in a lake at night... hmmm, to me that would just be creepy... but it does have this haunting lightness
made my appointment with my spiritual director and told her all about the things that scared me that I cannot do anything about but throw myself at the feet of Jesus... or do as Anne Lamott... write little notes and stuff them in glove boxes and drawers and between the cracks of the wailing wall - maybe I really should make prayer flags. But then I told her about the things that are really wonderful, like making three necklaces, a bunch of bracelets, a knit hat, a scarf, finding the perfect location for my studio, and reconnecting with some old friends.
met up with my walking group and race walked down the street, then turned back so I could amble along with them a bit.
Only two more work days until the weekend.
got a flu shot - ouch! but now I can thumb my nose at some of those pesky viruses
went to Borders and bought a CD.... Jesca Hoop... Kismet... I like it as much as I thought I would...wonderful voice... on the front of the case was a sticker that said listening to this CD was like swimming in a lake at night... hmmm, to me that would just be creepy... but it does have this haunting lightness
made my appointment with my spiritual director and told her all about the things that scared me that I cannot do anything about but throw myself at the feet of Jesus... or do as Anne Lamott... write little notes and stuff them in glove boxes and drawers and between the cracks of the wailing wall - maybe I really should make prayer flags. But then I told her about the things that are really wonderful, like making three necklaces, a bunch of bracelets, a knit hat, a scarf, finding the perfect location for my studio, and reconnecting with some old friends.
met up with my walking group and race walked down the street, then turned back so I could amble along with them a bit.
Only two more work days until the weekend.
Friday, October 19, 2007
smells
I have a funny smell in my house... kind of like a pepper smell... black pepper... and I cannot figure out where it is coming from.
I have sniffed in my refrigerator, taken out all the trash, sniffed down my garbage disposal, sniffed the coffee grounds and the grinder(I grind pepper corns into my coffee... neat taste) but no smell there... I have wondered if it is residual scent left over from spraying a bunch of bug spray under the sink (I need to clean under the sink, you know the once every five years cleaning and I want everything dead) but I don't think it is that...
The smell is peppery, but it also reminds me of the apartment building where my great grandmother lived.... or maybe a room full of very old books... maybe an old book smell...
But I cannot find it, I cannot vanilla candle it away or blow it out by opening up all the windows... it is not a bad smell, just different...
I have sniffed in my refrigerator, taken out all the trash, sniffed down my garbage disposal, sniffed the coffee grounds and the grinder(I grind pepper corns into my coffee... neat taste) but no smell there... I have wondered if it is residual scent left over from spraying a bunch of bug spray under the sink (I need to clean under the sink, you know the once every five years cleaning and I want everything dead) but I don't think it is that...
The smell is peppery, but it also reminds me of the apartment building where my great grandmother lived.... or maybe a room full of very old books... maybe an old book smell...
But I cannot find it, I cannot vanilla candle it away or blow it out by opening up all the windows... it is not a bad smell, just different...
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Tuesday
Jerry, my brother in law pronounces it Tooooosdi…. One of the things that I like about him.
Today I was at Kate’s at 8 am… she was cleaning a house, Will was riding his bike to work. I was supposed to take the boys to story time at the library at 10. The day before they got a load of rock for the back yard … I was planning on helping with that too. Will mentioned, as he was leaving that the washer was full of diapers if I felt like hanging them… so when he was safely off, I located the laundry basket and began to hang a full washer load of diapers.
So, here I am hanging diapers and Pete is pulling things out of the basket and handing them to me… which seems like help except his rhythm did not match my pace… and William was playing with some bricks on the patio… I heard one drop and said over my shoulder, “be careful you might pinch your finger.” Of course he told me he was careful…then I heard another topple, and I said, “if you bump your finger I do not want to hear crying” he scowled at me… so anyway, he did bump his finger and he did cry and the crying lasted a long, long time… longer I am certain than the pain in his finger….. so I said, “lets go get ice-cream before we go to the library.” What a great grandma I am.
So sorry old William sup-supped (Bill Cosby, Why is There Air? album) all the way to the nearest McDonalds where both he and Pete had a cone. After the cone everyone was in great spirits, so off we went to story time. My cell phone rang in the library and I got a bit of a frown from one of the librarians, but we finished up checking out four books and three kiddie DVD’s and headed home for lunch… and yippee! Mom was home.
After lunch we went outside… Kate and I were going to move a bit of that rock before nap time… but it didn’t take too long for K. to realize she had locked us all out of the house. She tried all the windows, mumbled a few less than motherly words under her breath and then went across the street to a neighbors and called her husband… she ended up getting on her bike and meeting him half way to get a key that would let us in… I sat on the patio and played… it was a nice break.
In the end we moved all the rock we wanted to the back, killed two black widow spiders, and heaved a big football shaped rock out of the ground and out into the yard for further consideration. We stood an admired our good work and chatted about what to do with the considerable pile that is still left.
My left arm hurts. I need Advil and ice. This body is not accustomed to shoveling rock… but you know, I had a really nice day.
Today I was at Kate’s at 8 am… she was cleaning a house, Will was riding his bike to work. I was supposed to take the boys to story time at the library at 10. The day before they got a load of rock for the back yard … I was planning on helping with that too. Will mentioned, as he was leaving that the washer was full of diapers if I felt like hanging them… so when he was safely off, I located the laundry basket and began to hang a full washer load of diapers.
So, here I am hanging diapers and Pete is pulling things out of the basket and handing them to me… which seems like help except his rhythm did not match my pace… and William was playing with some bricks on the patio… I heard one drop and said over my shoulder, “be careful you might pinch your finger.” Of course he told me he was careful…then I heard another topple, and I said, “if you bump your finger I do not want to hear crying” he scowled at me… so anyway, he did bump his finger and he did cry and the crying lasted a long, long time… longer I am certain than the pain in his finger….. so I said, “lets go get ice-cream before we go to the library.” What a great grandma I am.
So sorry old William sup-supped (Bill Cosby, Why is There Air? album) all the way to the nearest McDonalds where both he and Pete had a cone. After the cone everyone was in great spirits, so off we went to story time. My cell phone rang in the library and I got a bit of a frown from one of the librarians, but we finished up checking out four books and three kiddie DVD’s and headed home for lunch… and yippee! Mom was home.
After lunch we went outside… Kate and I were going to move a bit of that rock before nap time… but it didn’t take too long for K. to realize she had locked us all out of the house. She tried all the windows, mumbled a few less than motherly words under her breath and then went across the street to a neighbors and called her husband… she ended up getting on her bike and meeting him half way to get a key that would let us in… I sat on the patio and played… it was a nice break.
In the end we moved all the rock we wanted to the back, killed two black widow spiders, and heaved a big football shaped rock out of the ground and out into the yard for further consideration. We stood an admired our good work and chatted about what to do with the considerable pile that is still left.
My left arm hurts. I need Advil and ice. This body is not accustomed to shoveling rock… but you know, I had a really nice day.
Monday, October 15, 2007
five things i can't live without
today I unraveled a shawl I had been knitting... things were getting odd and I needed to rethink the whole process... look at the pieces... maybe plan a bit more....
I have no trouble doing this anymore... stopping midway and saying, well this is not coming out as I want, and just ripping it all out and starting over. except I did not start over, not yet anyway. I have been reading instead... a light read, five things i can't live without, by Holly Shumus... a book about some fictitious girl who could be any number of girls or women I know... a book that is in some ways about me...
anyway, I'm thinking about the book, and my bio, and marketing, my dreams and this shawl.... unraveled, laid out on my living room floor, waiting to be taken up and knit together.
when do you begin being who you are?
I have no trouble doing this anymore... stopping midway and saying, well this is not coming out as I want, and just ripping it all out and starting over. except I did not start over, not yet anyway. I have been reading instead... a light read, five things i can't live without, by Holly Shumus... a book about some fictitious girl who could be any number of girls or women I know... a book that is in some ways about me...
anyway, I'm thinking about the book, and my bio, and marketing, my dreams and this shawl.... unraveled, laid out on my living room floor, waiting to be taken up and knit together.
when do you begin being who you are?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
time-clutter
When I was taking my coursework for a certificate in spiritual direction whole classes were devoted to the issue of busy-ness... it for me is like time-clutter... and I have been feeling it for several weeks now.
My days begin early, 4:15, when I get up and go walk. After that I meditate for a half an hour, then I get ready to go to work. Shower, eat, make my lunch, pack my bag, brush my teeth. Believe me, the time is finely tuned and the least little thing can throw my morning routine off and I am late getting out the door.
I leave the house at 7 a.m. and by 7:45 I am walking into my classroom... from there the day becomes a blur as I move from class to class, issue to issue, duty to duty. I am not complaining. I mostly like what I do, I often find it interesting and I think I am good at it. But in the last few years I have become pretty clear on one thing. It is not my life.
I am getting home by 5:30 most days... an improvement over last year by about an hour... but because I carpool, I often don't feel I leave my job until I walk into my house and close the door. And once home, I find myself moving from one task to the next until about 7:30 p.m. when I finally feel I can sit and find a path back to centeredness.
The weekends fill up too, mostly with good things, stuff I want to do... but filled none the less.
Here is the thing. My best time to work is from 7 in the morning to about 3 in the afternoon. Before that I need time to move and time to meditate, after that I need time to move and meditate. So all this creative energy is being used in the classroom which is not my life.
The other day, another teacher came into my room. I have known for a while that art is important to her. She told me the same thing I have just told you. She sees it out there, she longs for it, but she cannot see how to push open a space between job and family and obligations.
Today is the beginning of a two week break (I know, great time off) and I see the possibility of a couple of days spent in my little room/studio... I need to schedule that time now. I need to write it on my calendar. Barb's Day. Otherwise the time will slip.
Spaciousness. Spaciousness comes not by holding your finger in the dike or locking out the monster at the door. Spaciousness comes from opening up everything and letting all the clutter wash around and past you.
hmmm.
My days begin early, 4:15, when I get up and go walk. After that I meditate for a half an hour, then I get ready to go to work. Shower, eat, make my lunch, pack my bag, brush my teeth. Believe me, the time is finely tuned and the least little thing can throw my morning routine off and I am late getting out the door.
I leave the house at 7 a.m. and by 7:45 I am walking into my classroom... from there the day becomes a blur as I move from class to class, issue to issue, duty to duty. I am not complaining. I mostly like what I do, I often find it interesting and I think I am good at it. But in the last few years I have become pretty clear on one thing. It is not my life.
I am getting home by 5:30 most days... an improvement over last year by about an hour... but because I carpool, I often don't feel I leave my job until I walk into my house and close the door. And once home, I find myself moving from one task to the next until about 7:30 p.m. when I finally feel I can sit and find a path back to centeredness.
The weekends fill up too, mostly with good things, stuff I want to do... but filled none the less.
Here is the thing. My best time to work is from 7 in the morning to about 3 in the afternoon. Before that I need time to move and time to meditate, after that I need time to move and meditate. So all this creative energy is being used in the classroom which is not my life.
The other day, another teacher came into my room. I have known for a while that art is important to her. She told me the same thing I have just told you. She sees it out there, she longs for it, but she cannot see how to push open a space between job and family and obligations.
Today is the beginning of a two week break (I know, great time off) and I see the possibility of a couple of days spent in my little room/studio... I need to schedule that time now. I need to write it on my calendar. Barb's Day. Otherwise the time will slip.
Spaciousness. Spaciousness comes not by holding your finger in the dike or locking out the monster at the door. Spaciousness comes from opening up everything and letting all the clutter wash around and past you.
hmmm.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
cloudy weather
clouds have been skittering across the sky the last couple of days turning our desert dry low 90's to muggy heavy high 90's... it has been a real drag on my energy... but the sunsets have been spectacular.
I have started a walking group, now that water aerobics is done. Monday, Wednesday and Fridays we hit the pavement and walk. This activity is so essential to me after a day of paint and glue and children. The last two nights as we head south the western sky is filled with clouds that appear to be on fire, clouds rimmed in brilliant gold that shifts to pink then plum.
I walk in the mornings too. Early. Around 4:30 am. This is holy time for me. Just me, the pavement, the dark sky dotted with stars. the last few weeks low in the eastern sky there is an enormous light that I have been told is Venus. I have noticed clouds too, glowing a soft white as they reflect the light of the city. It is never truly dark here.
there is rain forecast for tomorrow, then the clouds will skitter away and with it this dull heat that is dragging me down. 80's by Saturday.
yippee!
I have started a walking group, now that water aerobics is done. Monday, Wednesday and Fridays we hit the pavement and walk. This activity is so essential to me after a day of paint and glue and children. The last two nights as we head south the western sky is filled with clouds that appear to be on fire, clouds rimmed in brilliant gold that shifts to pink then plum.
I walk in the mornings too. Early. Around 4:30 am. This is holy time for me. Just me, the pavement, the dark sky dotted with stars. the last few weeks low in the eastern sky there is an enormous light that I have been told is Venus. I have noticed clouds too, glowing a soft white as they reflect the light of the city. It is never truly dark here.
there is rain forecast for tomorrow, then the clouds will skitter away and with it this dull heat that is dragging me down. 80's by Saturday.
yippee!
Monday, October 1, 2007
countdown
It is Monday. Next Monday Liz will be here... and before she gets here I must
go to work four more days and try to teach the kindergartners something and right now it is very difficult to get excited about basic shapes
sit through hours of parent teacher conferences
clean my extra bedroom/storeroom/sort-of studio
make reservations or at least firmish plans about where we will go
tell my walking group that I will be gone a couple days
lay a flagstone patio at youngest daughter's house
finish my book Blessed Unrest
clean my desk
obviously I am having a little trouble just living in the moment right now.
go to work four more days and try to teach the kindergartners something and right now it is very difficult to get excited about basic shapes
sit through hours of parent teacher conferences
clean my extra bedroom/storeroom/sort-of studio
make reservations or at least firmish plans about where we will go
tell my walking group that I will be gone a couple days
lay a flagstone patio at youngest daughter's house
finish my book Blessed Unrest
clean my desk
obviously I am having a little trouble just living in the moment right now.
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