trying too hard

I think I am trying too hard. A sure sign of this is when I continue to slam into the same wall over and over again... or when I wake up at 3 a.m. with a new strategy for an old problem... or when I get this little sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I am not really being true to myself.

I was once told, while finding my way into meditation that I needed to quit trying. I remember I said, "I am trying to quit trying!" and how we all laughed at the answer... and then one day I did. And it was wonderful.

So all day today I have been whispering to myself that I need to quit trying. I need to attend to myself and live in just the moment. I need to let go of other peoples notions of who I am... I need to let go of my notions of who some people are... or could be, if I just worked at them a teeny bit more. I need to just breathe. I need to seek that spacious space where stuff just works out, and I don't have to dink with it.

Damn, why is this so hard? Why is just living so damned hard? Why is just letting go so slippery, so difficult to just relax into?

When I quit trying before, I told people it was as simple as stepping off a curb. And it was. It is the getting there that is difficult. It is even knowing that there is a curb to step off of. It is knowing that the step is just that far. A little step. A baby step. A safe step.

We get so caught in trying. It seems such a noble pursuit. We are asked to give a bit more, try a little harder, to be passionate about our jobs, relationships, beliefs... all of this striving to be just a little more... and it is complete bunk.

Anyway, for at least tonight, I quit! I am done with trying... at least until the next time.