coming to silence

For the last few weeks I have been working my way into silence. In part this is a choice, in part it simply has been my lot. Some doors have closed and no others have opened to fill up my life with the white noise that lulls us into a kind of sleep.

Silence. At night when I return home from work. Silence. As I move through the weekends. No one, no thing to divert my attention. Only one conversation, the one in my head, to follow or ignore. I see the dishes after dinner and do them. No rush to go do something else. Just the dishes.

Mostly, this is nice. Mostly, I do not want to break my fast. Mostly, I want to be able to keep this beautiful stillness, this simplicity. I want to see the purples and the greens reflecting off the black beans. I want to smell the warm nutty fragrance of the brown rice cooking. I want the sound of this music to move through the threads of my body.

Part of me fears this, too. Part of me thinks I might be becoming a recluse, a weirdo, a hermit. Part of me has said, get a dog! and I will, in fact, I think I have. Part of me thinks this is way healthier than having ten cats.

I read the other day that having someone to kiss goodbye every morning when you headed out into the world increased your life expectancy by five years. I wonder if it matters how late in life you start, or how long ago it was when you stopped? I wonder if kissing a dog would count? Of course, if you knew me, you would know this probably won't happen. I have a lot of Lucy in me. My mouth and a dog's mouth? I don't think so.

Does silence mean I have to be alone? Does alone necessarily mean silence?

How do I negotiate this slow moving river? I feel like I am not at the helm at all, but drowsy, dangling my finger-tips in the current, enjoying the shifting light and wayward breezes. You know, I think the bigger question is should I be negotiating this river? No. Not now anyway. Right now I need a rest and in this quiet place, I am getting it.

Anyway, in a couple of hours this guy will be coming over, and there goes all of Grandma's serenity!