not yet

I was working when the other two arrived... occupied. It was easier for me then... one part of my brain said baby-baby, but the other half did its job and time passed... but this baby is coming in the middle of my summer break and it has my undivided attention and it is still not here. aauuggh!

Saw Kate today and she told of her niece calling and asking her what boy names she'd picked out... Katie's in laws know the sex, but no one here does... and so we sat and talked about boy names, letting the hope for a girl slip through our fingers... trying to lay it to rest... hoping to prepare ourselves. And I have been in prayer since then, one way or another, asking God to let my heart leap for joy at this new child no matter what it's sex is. But a heaviness is over me tonight and I am mourning.

Went to see the move Away We Go... about a couple, unmarried, who are having a child and thinking of that child, and their relationship to each other and their relationship to that child (a girl) and as the movie moves it shows many parents and a variety of styles and gives this couple many things to be afraid of... and while the movie is not a great movie, it is a good movie, and when they lay on the trampoline and promise each other all the things a couple needs to promise I was struck by the simplicity life could have if we did not put so many constraints on it.

So, I am thinking about living in a straightforward kind of way. I am thinking about saying this is what I want. I am 60... there are only so many good years left... I can't afford to waste any more time.

Baby soon... but that is another beginning... and one I can only participate in in a limited kind of way. What I need to do is find my own true north and steer toward it single-mindedly...

maybe today

No baby yet. This is what I say to anyone who asks, this is what I say to myself every morning when I rise, every evening when I go to bed. No baby yet... but soon. Any day now, maybe today.

Katie has begun to look tired and uncomfortable. She discovered another stretch mark and the doctor on Monday said when he felt her belly, oh-oh, which immediately brought her head off the table to say, what?!?, and he replied that this baby was about eight and a half pounds. (this is not news... they have all been over 8) Anyway, he said if not this week, then they would induce.

I want a girl... I'm trying so hard to just hold that want lightly, since I know I would love, love another little boy who when he reaches two and a half begins to say "penis" for the pure fun of it, whose first words are vroom or thp-thp-thp or beep beep, perfectly mimicking the sounds of jets or helicopters or dump trucks. Honestly I do love boys... but I want a girl. Someone who talks and negotiates her way through life. Someone who like the Queen of Hearts will put her heel down and cry "off with their heads!" Someone who grabs hold of life and shakes it until it coughs up what she wants. A girl, a master of her own destiny. That's what I want... though I would love a boy, too.

I'm ready for you I tell that round belly... I'm ready to meet you. Maybe it will be today...

been away

I've been in Santa Fe... and a little under the weather as well. That explains my absence... but I'm back and will try to be true to my blogging as the summer winds out.

I met Aunt Jean and my cousin, Teresa in Albuquerque. From there we took the shuttle to Santa Fe. Our goal, to walk down all the little roads, wander into every gallery, eat some authentic and inventive New Mexican cuisine... we managed to do most of it in the five days we were there.
Our room had windows that opened... so unusual for hotels anymore. The window could not be considered a "view: but it was enough that we could see the mountains to the east, hidden here by clouds. The rainbow hung around for quite a while as the storm rolled out of town leaving everything clean and sparkling.

We met up with Sara, friend of Teresa. She had recently moved to Taos and agreed to meet us in town and then drive out to Ghost Ranch and tour Georgia O'Keeffe's home. This is a picture of white cliffs that O'Keeffe painted many times. Look at how washed out the picture looks. I think it's the sunlight... so bright it washed all the color away.

Here we are. Sara took the shot... I do love this picture, it shows how much fun we really did have.

dear organizational consultant,

Ok. I bought the giant IKEA wardrobes and shelves to go in them (they are within 3" of the ceiling and were a bit of challenge to get up... thank God for an extra tall son-in-law)... I bought the Rubbermaid bins... I have them filled, although I admit I need to go through each bin and possibly throw out some more things... but mostly, the big clutter has become contained...

What I have now is the small clutter. The picture hanger nails, the odd marker, the funny looking thing I saved because I thought maybe someday I would do something with it... the three packages of fast drying clay I picked up maybe fifteen years ago... every single one of my yearly teacher evaluations... what was I thinking?!? ...

and here is really where the problem lies and I am asking for your thoughtful advice... I have every diploma I've ever received, including the one from elementary school that says I can go to high school, every grade card from 3rd - 8th grade, I open each one and read down the grades, I received a C in reading in 4th grade, I feel a bit sad for that little girl who didn't feel she fit into the new school... my baptismal certificate, a beautiful, four page document where my mother signs her name Amelia nee Berta under my dad's name Raymond J. Lewis, both names in my mom's handwriting... why did she write "nee", what does that mean, I know she was never fond of her middle name, and why did she use her maiden name... I could ask her, but she might not remember...my confirmation certificate was in the pile too. I find I am very reluctant to part with these things, but honestly, what am I keeping them for??? Right now, I've put them at the back of my file box but still wonder why why am I keeping this stuff.

I think these items are like all the pictures I cannot seem to part with... I can't part with even the bad pictures, the poorly taken ones... I find I am even saving the pictures of the people I do not know, who were alive before I was born... I do not need these pictures... I do not need memories of something that never was mine... but there they are in their albums and in the boxes I've stashed them in.

Anyway it is obvious I need help in these matters... so help me.

june 7

On Sunday's I always try to listen to Splendid Table on my local public radio... I'm not much of a cook, just enjoy listening to Lynn Rosetto Kasper's voice, she reminds me of my sister at her most dramatic... but the today I suddenly heard her mention preserved lemons and began to listen as closely as I could with Pete jabbering in my other ear... after every one left - the family had been over - I searched for the recipe, because while I knew what they were, I did not know what they were called until that moment.

I had a broccoli dish a week ago that was the best thing I've ever tasted... there were preserved lemons in the dish and peanuts, I think. Incredible flavor. On Splendid Table, Lynne Rosetto Kasper says they can make a chicken dish... I can certainly see why.

The recipe I've linked to says you need 8-10 lemons, but Kasper said three or four, so I think strict adherence is not necessary as long as proportions remain the same.

Anyway, I have some lemons and kosher salt, so my early project for Monday will be to make a jarful.

june 6

This is a corner of my office, and while it is not empty, it is virtually empty. When the day began, this table was completely covered with art and jewelry supplies, art tools, scraps of interesting paper, seed pods and nuts, wires and buttons. Not only was the table covered, but I had two rolling plastic drawer units that were completely jammed with supplies and the floor surrounding it all was covered with piles of the same kind of stuff. It is not gone, it has been reorganized into tubs - the same kind of art filing system I use at school - and the tubs are now stacked in my guest room awaiting their final home in tall IKEA cabinets. The wobbly card table with the vintage table cloth will be gone, the hand painted by William paper will be

moved to a different location, my vision board will be removed, revamped, and returned to a place it can remind me of where I am right now. In it's place will sit two IKEA wardrobe sized cabinets with two tubs on each shelf. I believe all my art, jewelry, sewing and knitting supplies will fit inside it. Mismatched drawer units will be gone. Organization will rule. And my hope is that art will happen because I no longer feel overwhelmed with the mess and can actually get to the things I need. Another self-portrait. I blew my hair straight. Feeling conflicted about it. Straight, curly, super short, or be patient and let it grow beyond this not-so-flattering stage?

6-5

The temperature has dropped and the breeze has picked up. A great day to get outside early and tackle the first item on my "get organized" agenda... my outdoor storage room.

For a storage room, it is quite large, about 8'x8'. But it has become a jumble of left over paint cans, wood scrap, a large mirror salvaged from my remodeled bathroom, art supplies and camping gear. I needed to create some order, but mostly I needed to clear some space, because now that I have a working sink in there, I'm thinking art-room... I'm tired of dreaming. It is time I had one.


First order of business was to get everything out, so pretty soon my whole patio area was covered with various piles... keep, recycle, give to Goodwill, pitch... and toxic wastes. My daughter came over and took a few things, my friend Jelene came by and took some more, I've put the paint to dispose of in a secluded spot and removed the lids... dried up paint can go in the garbage later. The recycle and Goodwill items are in my car and ready to go for tomorrow.

I hung the mirror-see the reflection - it makes me feel like I have more elbow room. I brought most of my paper -making supplies out here and tomorrow I will look for a blender at Goodwill (50% off Saturday). I found some things I'd completely forgotten about, designated a few things appropriate items for Christmas gifts and all-in-all accomplished what I'd set out to do, I have a place where art is possible... a place I can drip on the ground, where I have a large sink, etc... all I will need to do is pull my bicycle out and I'll be ready to go.

I had thought in the morning that I'd need to purchase a storage unit to put on my patio, but after just cleaning I see I have plenty of room.

Next week I tackle my office... with some luck I can get it under control as well.

Oh... no self-portrait... it was so horrible I just deleted it.