spiritbead

Practicing beginning

2012-02-02T14:24:00.000-08:00

I am practicing beginning...

in some way I could say I begin every day, but really, right now I feel I am ready to begin everything again.

to say something. to start fresh.

I've been moving things and cleaning out closets and sorting my receipts getting ready to file taxes... cleaning house. making a dedicated studio in my home. Assessing and reassessing everything from how many tea bags should I save to how I will proceed from here... from here...

what do you do with all the little note pads that collect at the left of the computer? Why do square letters cost more to send? How come tomatoes grow so easily in Illinois and we struggle with them here in tomato starved Arizona?

My blow dryer quit blowing hot air... and then a week later, after I bought a replacement, the hot air was back... what's up with that?

I know this is about nothing. I'm practicing. and no one reads this anyway.

hearing things

2010-11-09T20:48:00.000-08:00

You have not seen me at this site in quite some time... in fact I thought Spiritbead had moved on ... no longer a piece of my life. I was wrong. Again.

I retired from teaching this past year. September came and I did not go back to school, to seeing 175+ children a day, to lesson plans and staff meetings. I walked away. My soul was calling me... in fact had been calling me for a long time... to head out and make a new path where there was none.

I knew I wanted to somehow reconnect with spiritual direction, with discussions that would stretch my mind, my faith. I knew I wanted to make space for meditation and journaling, for beauty and the creative life. I wanted to lift my sail and allow the winds of grace to move me. I told myself I would be willing. Willing to be happy, willing to find my joy, willing to love, willing to live without suffering, willing to walk in the light. And aside from ending a career of 25 years and beginning to see and talk about myself as an artist who knows that God is present in every portion of my life and art... I saw this whole willingness as pretty passive. Like laying down in the road waiting for the semi to roll over me. But I was wrong. Again.

A few weeks ago a woman said, we need to move actively into acceptance. Those words... actively into acceptance stuck with me. What did that mean? Active and acceptance in the same phrase? How do you do that? And I have thought about the things I've accepted (passive to me, like willingness). Accepting to me was always a re-active thing. It was my way of reacting to things I didn't particularly like. But reacting is not the same as moving actively into.

And then tonight in a class with Scott H. we were talking about love. What was love, what did Jesus mean by love? And many definitions were bantered about the room when a woman said, love is acceptance. Bingo. I finally had a match. Love is moving actively into acceptance. I felt I was finally beginning to get it.

As the conversation moved in and around the first commandment, I listened and participated, but then we moved on to Kierkegaard and Carl Jung and talked about relating to the Self and about the willingness to relate to God. Willingness. Another passive word, but one I use all the time. Willingness, a posture I am trying to assume. Tell me about willingness I said. And I talked of Moses needing to put it down, what he held in his hand, and Heni Nouwen saying we needed to unclench our hand, and about getting open... kind of like laying down in the middle of the road and letting the semi run over you. But then another woman said willing is active, too. Willing is calling something to you. Willing is about what you want.

Willing is being proactive. Accepting is being proactive. They are choices. Choices to not just lie down in the road and allow what will happen to happen. Faith is not something God just pours into an open and empty vessel... the vessel chooses too.

I was flipping channels one night this summer and hit a talk show where the guest turned out to be Tony Robbins. Robbins said if you want a different life, just choose a different life. Choose. I know it sounds too simple, but it is the first and most important step. And like most things you will probably need to choose it over and over after you have let it go because it was just too hard.

Now that I realise I am an active participant in my willingness and my accepting I am going to become way more intentional about the entire thing. I'm going to choose.

Do I have a plan? Only that I will live to the fullest.

Here is a last quote... my words;
'die and become, die and become... until you do this you are a dull guest on this planet.'

what do you think of that?

off the grid

2010-02-26T12:48:00.000-08:00

I got a call from an old friend earlier this week. He's bought some land in St. John's, off-the-grid... down a dirt road, has to haul in water, didn't know what the Tea-Baggers were but had heard of Sarah Palin... talked like a local, not like the guy I knew years ago... shook something loose in me. Spirit of adventure?

Today I began to read Farwell, My Subaru, a book I've been told is delightful (there aren't too many of them) about a guy who bought a spread in the Mimbres River Valley in south west New Mexico. He too was off-the-grid, trying to become self-sufficient, trying to spurn fossil fuels, bananas from South America, and Walmart. So far it is a delightful read, and he, like my friend, lost his city language in favor of the local.

All this, the call, the book, the fact that I have 57 days of school left are filling me with excitement and just about as much fear. wheeeee!

3a.m.

2009-11-29T06:36:00.000-08:00

I regularly wake up about 3-3:30 a.m. Hot Flash, I think, as I'm nearly always sweaty hot... but since school started in August, when this happens I often am completely awake, too. Hot flash, busy brain, awake like I've been injected with caffeine.

I need to retire, and some rather stressful stuff is going on at school, so this being awake thing hit this morning again.

But the good thing about being AWAKE is that I get a bunch of things done... like I sorted all the new odd-bit yarn in with my not-so-new odd bit yarn and got it all put away in neat see-through zip bags. I went through, organized and put away all my old yellowed books saved for art projects that I had pulled out a week ago... I ran across this French artsy book I'd bought in Geneve and have an idea about how I can use some of the pages. I felted two sweaters I'd gotten from Natalie (one will become Henry's Christmas stocking) and tried to felt a third, but it either is not at least 80% wool or is washable wool... my bet is on the not-wool side... and this episode reminds me that I must swatch and felt before I enter into a long and detailed felt project only to realize the yarn will not do what I need... I put a magnetic snap on a little coin purse I've made for an art show I'm participating in next weekend and fashioned a velcro closure for another. I washed dishes and one load of wash, took a shower and am now half dressed of church two hours from now. It is 7:50 a.m.

I'm not tired right now. Around 3 I will feel like crashing.

early christmas

2009-11-27T18:51:00.000-08:00

Look. More yarn from Natalie. Lots of mohair, some really delicious black that looked hand spun with a tag on it that only said, brown sheep yarn. Mmmmm felting.
And look at this tweedy stuff. In the first batch I have some of the same, just a different color. the color is beautiful deep turquoise... purse, bag, bowl?

And (I am doing little back flips) a yarn swift... made in Sweden, not China... and it perfectly works, though the only counter I have that is thin yet sturdy enough is the one in my guest bath. Oh frabjous joy! Callooh! Callay! She chortled in her joy.

See, put the yarn on the swift, string it onto the ball winder and.....

in just minutes a perfectly wound, tangle free, ready to use ball. I call it my bliss ball : )

And then, as if the list of goodies from Natalie could not be longer, she gave me sweaters... most I will re-fashion into something else... but this one, out of the softest wool imaginable is just too vintage classic and feels totally cozy on.

Last... my model showing us her true personality....

tabs - something borrowed

2009-11-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

In the last week or so I have seen and studied three different patterns that used tabs. Tabs, I thought... hmmm. And then I thought of this half finished shawl... I'd run out of yarn, a miscalculation, and had come to the realization that no more could be had... maybe tabs were the answer.

I'd begun the piece with a ball of variegated Paintbox and then shifted needles, gauge, stitch count into One Zero by Colinette. I'd seen something like it and was winging the entire process. All was going swimmingly until I ran out of my second ball of One Zero and could get no more. So the half finished piece sat in it's zipped bag, waiting for some light bulb to come on. And it did, in tabs and buttons.

Here is the result. You can see how the Paintbox changed colors from wine tones to shades of taupe (not my favorite shift... had I gone farther into the skein the color shifted toward green tones... maybe I could have started the tabs at what would have been the "wrong" end of the ball). I chose shell buttons because their grey/beige tones with the iridescent undertone picked up all the colors in the One Zero and yet looked good on the Paintbox. And really, isn't it pretty?

When I do my next one (and I will!) I think Ill try knitting in the other direction... maybe from mohair. Maybe a crazy stripe shrug... as I glance over my shoulder at my considerable odd'n'end knit stash I think the possibilities are nearly endless.

Wool & Elizabeth

2009-11-18T18:52:00.000-08:00

last week my friend Natalie brought me a garbage bag sized bag of wool... she reclaimed it from her house outside of Boston... she was cleaning out getting it ready for rental. She told me she got rid of enough yarn to open a yarn shop... all the wool she set aside for me.
This isn't all of it... she says there is more, she just hasn't gotten to it yet. Plus she has a yarn swift for me!!!! am I blessed or what? I am so excited.

Some of this is what I'd call vintage yarn... lots of mohair, colors that are a bit jarring, and yet full of possibilities

I've sorted all that I've gotten so far and put it neatly and safely away. I've begun to let my mind wander and imagine what I could make. And I ask "what would Elizabeth Zimmerman do?"

And.... though I really don't know what Elizabeth would do about all these odd bits of yarn, I am learning about what she would do about a whole bunch of other things. I have ordered and gotten three Elizabeth Zimmerman books, and I think, philosophically speaking, she and I are on the same page... now I just need to get my skill level somewhere near hers...

Anyway, Elizabeth Zimmerman is my new favorite author and maybe after I've finished one or two of these books, I'll be ready to tackle all this yarn.

love joy art

2009-11-18T18:29:00.000-08:00

I've been bookmaking.... yesterday was the book of the month class at Creative Quest... for $20 you go and make a book from start to finish...

When you walk in you find a group of cheery faces, a chair waiting for you and a neat pile of supplies on the table. Kathi walks you through each step and last night between 5:30 and 7:15 I created this very pretty book.

My friend and carpool buddy Lynn said, "oh, you are so creative... you pick out the best colors" Oh, no, I did none of that. the task was set before me and I completed it.

I think I have found a second love.

four caterpillar book

2009-11-01T13:41:00.000-08:00

Last August I attended Art Unraveled here in Phoenix and was told about Creative Quest, a stamp/paper/altered art shop in Glendale,AZ... I visited a few weeks later and signed up for a book-making class, in September... but a few days before the date, I got a call that it had been postponed to this past weekend. What a great class it was!
The four caterpillar book has four millipede-like critters crawling across the cover. It contains ten, ten page signatures sewn together in a four-needle Coptic method. The paper I chose was magenta with two-ply waxed linen thread binding and crawling across the cover.

There are definitely some mistakes. My signatures are not even enough to suit even me and at least one hole is a little torn. I think I could have chosen more exciting colors. But over-all, I'm happy.

I need to purchase a couple tools to make more books, but what I do have is paper, cardboard, and lots of ideas of how to personalize the books. Fun, fun, fun, on a weekend I really needed to think about about something else. Now, back to my knitting.

mine, yours and chickens

2009-10-28T19:49:00.001-07:00

yours... you made it for K, but she passed it on to me. I looked at it for a year and then tried it on the other day and tugged on the collar and tied it at the neck... ooo, I liked that, so today wore it with a grey turtleneck and grey slacks and got loads of compliments on the sweater part...

see!?! success.

mine... my party table for the clothing exchange... lots of candles, my pretty pumpkin and lots of good food and wine.

mine, too.... see my Noro scarf... finally done... very very nice but perhaps a bit warm for Arizona. Hopefully it will not be Arizona forever....

Pete and his chicken, Sadie. He is a very good chicken catcher.

Pete in the chicken coop....

And the three girls... Sadie, Ruby and Eliza... I hope they get prettier (and smarter)

two weeks

2009-10-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

I just finished a two week break from teaching. Bill came to visit and we came to some agreement on a couple of things, which leaves only about 356 items left to be resolved at some future date, but hey, I'm happy with the progress we did make. I did not finish any of my three striped scarves, though one is nearly done, I did purchase ten new skeins of Navajo wool in Kayenta and I participated in two art venues where I received a lot of positive feedback on my work and sold a few items to boot.

I had a wonderful, wonderful time, saw some beautiful country and finally resolved where my heart resides... somewhere between Smiley Creek and the banks of Red Fish Lake in the valley that lies north of Sun Valley, Idaho.

Today found me back at work in Phoenix AZ... but I decided I'd share a few pictures from the trip.

Ketchum in the morning. Aspens glowing, pine scented air fresh and cold. I breathed so deeply I could feel the coolness in my toes.

Arches National Monument...

Navajo National Monument... a real find.

Natures sculpture

Sunnyslope Art Walk... shared a table with Katie... one of us has too much stuff for just two tables.

Mom and Dad came to the art walk.

Beautiful skies

We both took lots of pictures

We had some beautiful camp fires and incredible starry nights

We, meaning Bill, did a lot of driving.

.
And we found a state park in Safford that had a natural hot spring, hot tub...

We dipped into New Mexico for one night and found a place that sold goat milk soap.

We even did an in-town hike (notice I'm practicing "good posture")

I have a list of about 20 things I made a couple years ago... an 'I could' list... like I could fall in love, I could learn to live simply, I could buy a kayak, etc. about mid-way down I wrote, 'I could teach another year'... today I happened to read through the list and when I got to the teach another year part I felt this little sick feeling in my heart and stomach. I'm going to take that off the list... I might teach another year. That is a possibility and in some ways the plan... but it just can't be on the list anymore... I'm going to replace it with I could live in the mountains. I think my time in the desert is about over.

Sunday

2009-09-27T19:05:00.000-07:00

Everyone came over.today.. even my friend Jelene, to check out Henry and pick up her Carpenters CD, which she left on the table, so I still have it.
Kate, Will and the kids came by to go swimming... leaving me with little guy.. K wants you to notice her chest, fleeting though it is. I also cut Kate's and William's hair

Later, while Kate and Will stepped out I had a discussion about eyebrows with the boys. the both decided that eyebrow enhancement would be a good idea... and eyebrows led to mustaches and mustaches led to little goatees... W looks like a ner'do'well card shark on the river boat.

Petes looks like Luigi, the strong man in the circus... or the guy with the monkey. They loved looking at themselves... thank you, E., for giving me the makeup for Gentlemen a couple years ago... you are the one who made this possible.

Mim's enjoyed the boys, the eyebrow session, and dinner.

The Raymond (dubbed that by my friend Ray) gets to hold Henry and helped in the kitchen making fantastic garlic bread.

As for knitting, that's where I go from here. Told Jelene I need a knit group. I think that will help me move from the level I'm on to the next.

New picture

2009-09-26T09:30:00.001-07:00

Look, a new picture... a school picture....
usually my school picture is horrible, but I like this one.

I think they air-brushed it some. I have some wrinkles but any skin-color issues have been blissfully whooshed away.

The eyes don't match. I point that out to the eighth graders when we are doing self portraits... one side of my face droops a tiny bit and my nose is a bit crooked. If I remember to put those things into a self-portrait, then the pictures looks like me.

My eyebrows are really pale. My mom who is 84 and has Alzheimer's asked me the other day if I was tired... I said no... she looked at me again and said, "well, maybe you just need to darken your eyebrows." I loved it! She still knows what she's looking at and can still solve a problem. Anyway, since then I've been trying to do what I can about these eyebrows, but this picture was taken before I talked to my mom.

Last. Turquoise. It is my new favorite color.

dreaming of yarn

2009-09-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

I haven't been doing much in the yarn and wool department the last couple days... instead I've been blowing my nose and drinking buckets of o.j. Think that has helped though, almost feel normal again.

While I was laid up I worked on my striped scarf made from sock yarns, and realized I made a mistake, about eight rows back, but my eyesight was being effected by sinus congestion (this really does happen, right? I never feel like I can see as well when my sinuses are jam packed) so decided that then was not the time to rip out stitches and correct my error. I just switched to another striped scarf I'm doing, but from worsted ( much easier to see).

Today I got a yarn and pattern catalog and that made me think of the neat shawls/cowls I'd seen on etsy the other day so I clicked on my "Favorites" button thinking I would cruise Ravelry, but became sidetracked at Brooklyntweed which led me to this web site. And now, because of this incredible sweater I am affirming in a Louise Hay like way, " I am a great knitter. I am willing to learn to knit anything. I am patient and detail oriented. I can follow a pattern." Maybe if I say this for a month in front of my mirror I'll begin to feel like it is the least bit true. One thing I do know is scarves, though a form of meditation, are beginning to bore me. I probably should say
"I can count stitches" too.

Anyway, yarn is my fantasy of choice lately... maybe it's the weather. Even though the temps are still topping out at 104 around here, I can sense a change in the light that tells me fall is right around the corner.

what's new

2009-09-16T20:30:00.001-07:00

I've been playing around combining two types of felting I'm familiar with. Needle and wet-felting and have made a couple cuffs using this method and a water soluble backer called Sulky.
After I needle felt the wool into a sheer organdy material wrapped with the stabilizer, I put the cuff through a wet-felting process where I roll in bubble wrap... on the floor... I've found that I can wet-felt much more efficiently wet-felting on the floor than on a table, I think because I can add much more body weight into the rolling process... then I drop it into a pan of boiling water and stir it a bit... maybe 3-5 minutes... finally rinsing with cold water... and tah dah! a cuff is born.

Lucky for me I now have a stash of antique buttons to finish it off... just cut a slit in the cuff for the button hole and this baby is ready to wear.

Wore this one to school and got a few compliments... one from a 6th grader... hmmm, I think that is significant.

On another front, my grandson had a tummy ache and didn't go to school today. My daughter didn't think he was too sick and walked him to school, but when he got there he burst into tears and the teacher said just take him home... but then during the day he seemed just fine. This evening he began to tell her how he really missed being with her and staying at home and a warning bell went off... after further investigation she found out that he was kidding at school and told someone he'd lost their lunch... or something like that... but the teacher told him is was not kidding it was lying... anyway, here he is a kindergartner and a liar. My daughter is going to talk to the teacher tomorrow.

We forget how powerful our words can be... today I apologised to my 7th grade class for punishing everyone for the antics of a few... so see, we are not infallible.

So there we are. Art. School. That's it for the day.

dreaming

2009-09-14T20:29:00.000-07:00

I've been doing so much with fiber lately that I find myself dreaming about wool, meditating about wool, thinking about color combinations, techniques I haven't tried.

I'm still knitting three scarves... all striped. I find myself doing a dozen rows on one and then shifting to another to do a dozen rows on that one. None of them will get done at this rate. These do not include the three or four already started knitting projects I've packed far enough away, I'm not really thinking about them... but I got cable... which seems like a ridiculous thing to say, but I knit and watch TV... or fly somewhere... and right now I'm working, not flying, so cable TV is my latest method of creating more time on the needles. But still nearly too hot to sit and knit for any length of time.

I am now up to fifteen wet-felted scarves and nearly out of roving. I made a felted cuff yesterday and think I will make a few more... I am using antique buttons to fasten them and as the decoration.

The Sunnyslope Art Walk is October 10 and I am showing my wares at an "in-home-boutique" party the following week. I'm trying to have a good stock of new things for these two events.

Yikes!

yarn habit

2009-09-07T19:30:00.001-07:00

I didn't do the yellow one today. I think I am a bit afraid... the wool and the fabric I've picked are beautiful together and I think I need to be in the proper state of mind to start it.

In place of that, I knitted a bit on all three of the scarves I'm knitting. One blue variegated stripes, another, striped one made of two skeins of decidedly unmatched variegated sock yarn, and the third a gray strip, using four colorways, one of which is lace seam binding I found at SAS, a truly scary-wonderful fabric store in Phoenix. ... Liz says to me, when I ask her if she has begun the socks, "oh, I'm not done with the linen washcloths, I only do one project at a time." Humph! hard to believe she is my daughter.

Anyway, after fiddling with the scarves and a nice nap, I felted this little number using green variegated roving on one side and deep turquoise on the other... the fabric is the other section of the knit with the little swirls on it. It's so pretty... but still what I want to do is learn how to build them out three or four inches all around and that will just take more wool and more practice.
What amazes me is how soft these are... soft and almost airy light. Sigh!

more, more, more

2009-09-06T15:12:00.001-07:00

Wet-felting adventure:

Here is the line-up, from the first to the last.
This was my first attempt. I felted into a ready-made scarf that had a flower pattern. Because I had fuzzy, curly roving in similar colors, I just followed the printed pattern... I also added scarp "wool lint" gleaned from my washing machine the last time I felted a knit item... I really think this is a beautiful piece, but the wool is a bit itchy.

Second attempt. I love this one. I have much much softer wool, dyed in beautiful colors... thank you Tempe Yarn and Fiber... I wet felted into a piece of yardage that is knit. I think the surface took to felting wonderfully and I like how the shiny spirals show through.

Third, maybe not my favorite... used the scratchy brown wool again, but tried to use less of it... also mixed in some other color, but I am not as pleased with the results.

Fourth, I love the fabric. I love the wool. I do not love the results. This one is too big. I spread the wool too thin and because of the size I struggled to get it felted right. What I think I'm going to do is cut it in half, buy more wool in these lipstick colors and have two scarves.

Another blue one... this one is wide too, but I am happier with the results (wonder if it is that I just like the color better) Look at the TEXTURE... Yummy.

This one didn't photograph too well. the wool used was a wool/silk mix, pinker on one side and softer pink/grey/green on the other. The under fabric is a shimmery sheer organdy. Prettier than it looks.

Another blue one, and I love it. (see where you can see through... I like the peek-a-boo thing that happens with the sheers too. Still, learning that I need to be more generous with the wool to achieve the results I'm looking for.

I've apparently missed one. I made a neutral one today in off whites and grey-browns... not as showy and satisfying to me as the colors, but pretty and versatile for someone afraid of splashes of color.

Tomorrow I'm making a yellow scarf. I can't wait!

what I've been doing

2009-08-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

I started like this...

this is where the magic happens... I've done this now, three times. Two I like and the other I think needs more work, or different work...

unwrapped and rinsed and ready to dry.

see the two-tone effect

a picture I took trying to look into a bathroom mirror, but lack of flash changed the colors

K consented to model for me as long as I cut off her head... see the scarf is not overly long, but the wool is soft-soft...

and here is me... a couple weeks ago in a necklace I made by tearing two apart and combining.

update

2009-08-30T15:40:00.000-07:00

It has been two months since Henry was born... I held him yesterday when he did not want to sleep... and he went to sleep very nicely. His mother says he is the most spoiled of them all, but I think he is only "just as spoiled" as the rest of them.

William began kindergarten and found it was great fun to chase the girls and kiss them... but the teacher talked to Mom and Mom talked to W, so now he just lets the girls chase him and warns them when they catch him that he got in trouble for the same behavior. (K was worried right at first, but then I told her, E's kinder teacher told me she was chasing the boys and kicking them, and she has turned out very well)

I started school four weeks ago and I must say I have not been having a great time. On Friday I had a major meltdown that took me completely by surprise and today I still feel that shaky feeling you get when you have had an exhaustive cry. I don't know what this means for me and teaching. Part of me would really like to hang in there and teach another year, part of me is just done. I love to teach, but classroom management gets more difficult every year. The kids my schools services come from a virtual war zone where drugs, violence and cop cars are the norm. While my heart goes out to them, I question whether I can really service their needs.

I'm trying to be very conscientious about taking good care of myself. sleeping, eating, meditating, daily affirmations, and moderate exercise. So far, these haven't been enough to counteract the stress I seem to be packing around. So I am weighing my options and trying to come to a decision that will honor all of my needs.

Today I went to see Julie & Julia... it was grand... makes me want to cook something fabulous and hop right in bed with a man who is crazy about me... course cooking for one is zero fun and well, the man... I am fairly sure that man hasn't found me yet.

Henry

2009-06-30T18:34:00.000-07:00

grandson. born 6/30 at 1am. eight pounds eight ounces. twenty-two and a half inches long

okay, I'm in love... his coloring is like W.'s, but not the chin.

P. gets his first chance to hold the little brother... finally he is a big brother.

W is an old hand at babies, though he told me it is his mom's job to change diapers....

the boys were very interested in the clip on Henry's cord... Katie said when H. was done with it they could use it to clip the potato chip bag closed....

The four boys of the family....

I finally get my shot at holding Henry... his eyes and mouth did not stop moving and investigating his new environment....

finally sleeping... K. says she will need to wake him soon to nurse... but tonight they should both get some needed rest.

June 20

2009-06-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

It's 6/29 and hot here in Phoenix... I made an offering at Goodwill this morning and bought a water filter for my ice maker 0on the fridg... other than that I am laying low. K called to say the doctor told her not today and I've finished my book, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society... absolutely my kind of story. Now I'll have to troll again for another good read.

Yesterday evening was fireworks and Independence Day celebration at K's church... they do a pretty impressive job on this and the Christmas program they have each year.

They boys were excited to be going to the fireworks. P was quite pleased with this picture. Between my wiggly hand and his wiggly body the pics never come out focused. By the end of the evening all this sense of humor had left him and he just wanted to go home... he said the whole thing was tooo long.

I have the same trouble getting a pic of W as with P.... He does have on nice glasses though. I made them.

Here's my new project... a sweater... the colors are soft heathered green and a lighter blue-green multi called eucalyptus. All the yarn is lace weight, so the sweater, which is knitted using two strands of yarn at a time will not be too heavy. Think it will be beautiful, but it will become my two year project.

This other thing has gone much faster and has proved to be fun to knit. I've also learned how to carry color and wonder why I was so afraid of it before... but this is all I can say about it because it is a _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .

Another blurry picture. I've decided I need to take a class. I have this beautiful camera and what feels like no skill whatsoever.

Although blurry is like instant airbrush... right?

not yet

2009-06-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

I was working when the other two arrived... occupied. It was easier for me then... one part of my brain said baby-baby, but the other half did its job and time passed... but this baby is coming in the middle of my summer break and it has my undivided attention and it is still not here. aauuggh!

Saw Kate today and she told of her niece calling and asking her what boy names she'd picked out... Katie's in laws know the sex, but no one here does... and so we sat and talked about boy names, letting the hope for a girl slip through our fingers... trying to lay it to rest... hoping to prepare ourselves. And I have been in prayer since then, one way or another, asking God to let my heart leap for joy at this new child no matter what it's sex is. But a heaviness is over me tonight and I am mourning.

Went to see the move Away We Go... about a couple, unmarried, who are having a child and thinking of that child, and their relationship to each other and their relationship to that child (a girl) and as the movie moves it shows many parents and a variety of styles and gives this couple many things to be afraid of... and while the movie is not a great movie, it is a good movie, and when they lay on the trampoline and promise each other all the things a couple needs to promise I was struck by the simplicity life could have if we did not put so many constraints on it.

So, I am thinking about living in a straightforward kind of way. I am thinking about saying this is what I want. I am 60... there are only so many good years left... I can't afford to waste any more time.

Baby soon... but that is another beginning... and one I can only participate in in a limited kind of way. What I need to do is find my own true north and steer toward it single-mindedly...

maybe today

2009-06-24T08:47:00.000-07:00

No baby yet. This is what I say to anyone who asks, this is what I say to myself every morning when I rise, every evening when I go to bed. No baby yet... but soon. Any day now, maybe today.

Katie has begun to look tired and uncomfortable. She discovered another stretch mark and the doctor on Monday said when he felt her belly, oh-oh, which immediately brought her head off the table to say, what?!?, and he replied that this baby was about eight and a half pounds. (this is not news... they have all been over 8) Anyway, he said if not this week, then they would induce.

I want a girl... I'm trying so hard to just hold that want lightly, since I know I would love, love another little boy who when he reaches two and a half begins to say "penis" for the pure fun of it, whose first words are vroom or thp-thp-thp or beep beep, perfectly mimicking the sounds of jets or helicopters or dump trucks. Honestly I do love boys... but I want a girl. Someone who talks and negotiates her way through life. Someone who like the Queen of Hearts will put her heel down and cry "off with their heads!" Someone who grabs hold of life and shakes it until it coughs up what she wants. A girl, a master of her own destiny. That's what I want... though I would love a boy, too.

I'm ready for you I tell that round belly... I'm ready to meet you. Maybe it will be today...

been away

2009-06-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

I've been in Santa Fe... and a little under the weather as well. That explains my absence... but I'm back and will try to be true to my blogging as the summer winds out.

I met Aunt Jean and my cousin, Teresa in Albuquerque. From there we took the shuttle to Santa Fe. Our goal, to walk down all the little roads, wander into every gallery, eat some authentic and inventive New Mexican cuisine... we managed to do most of it in the five days we were there.
Our room had windows that opened... so unusual for hotels anymore. The window could not be considered a "view: but it was enough that we could see the mountains to the east, hidden here by clouds. The rainbow hung around for quite a while as the storm rolled out of town leaving everything clean and sparkling.

We met up with Sara, friend of Teresa. She had recently moved to Taos and agreed to meet us in town and then drive out to Ghost Ranch and tour Georgia O'Keeffe's home. This is a picture of white cliffs that O'Keeffe painted many times. Look at how washed out the picture looks. I think it's the sunlight... so bright it washed all the color away.

Here we are. Sara took the shot... I do love this picture, it shows how much fun we really did have.

dear organizational consultant,

2009-06-12T09:35:00.000-07:00

Ok. I bought the giant IKEA wardrobes and shelves to go in them (they are within 3" of the ceiling and were a bit of challenge to get up... thank God for an extra tall son-in-law)... I bought the Rubbermaid bins... I have them filled, although I admit I need to go through each bin and possibly throw out some more things... but mostly, the big clutter has become contained...

What I have now is the small clutter. The picture hanger nails, the odd marker, the funny looking thing I saved because I thought maybe someday I would do something with it... the three packages of fast drying clay I picked up maybe fifteen years ago... every single one of my yearly teacher evaluations... what was I thinking?!? ...

and here is really where the problem lies and I am asking for your thoughtful advice... I have every diploma I've ever received, including the one from elementary school that says I can go to high school, every grade card from 3rd - 8th grade, I open each one and read down the grades, I received a C in reading in 4th grade, I feel a bit sad for that little girl who didn't feel she fit into the new school... my baptismal certificate, a beautiful, four page document where my mother signs her name Amelia nee Berta under my dad's name Raymond J. Lewis, both names in my mom's handwriting... why did she write "nee", what does that mean, I know she was never fond of her middle name, and why did she use her maiden name... I could ask her, but she might not remember...my confirmation certificate was in the pile too. I find I am very reluctant to part with these things, but honestly, what am I keeping them for??? Right now, I've put them at the back of my file box but still wonder why why am I keeping this stuff.

I think these items are like all the pictures I cannot seem to part with... I can't part with even the bad pictures, the poorly taken ones... I find I am even saving the pictures of the people I do not know, who were alive before I was born... I do not need these pictures... I do not need memories of something that never was mine... but there they are in their albums and in the boxes I've stashed them in.

Anyway it is obvious I need help in these matters... so help me.

june 7

2009-06-08T06:49:00.000-07:00

On Sunday's I always try to listen to Splendid Table on my local public radio... I'm not much of a cook, just enjoy listening to Lynn Rosetto Kasper's voice, she reminds me of my sister at her most dramatic... but the today I suddenly heard her mention preserved lemons and began to listen as closely as I could with Pete jabbering in my other ear... after every one left - the family had been over - I searched for the recipe, because while I knew what they were, I did not know what they were called until that moment.

I had a broccoli dish a week ago that was the best thing I've ever tasted... there were preserved lemons in the dish and peanuts, I think. Incredible flavor. On Splendid Table, Lynne Rosetto Kasper says they can make a chicken dish... I can certainly see why.

The recipe I've linked to says you need 8-10 lemons, but Kasper said three or four, so I think strict adherence is not necessary as long as proportions remain the same.

Anyway, I have some lemons and kosher salt, so my early project for Monday will be to make a jarful.

june 6

2009-06-07T05:43:00.001-07:00

This is a corner of my office, and while it is not empty, it is virtually empty. When the day began, this table was completely covered with art and jewelry supplies, art tools, scraps of interesting paper, seed pods and nuts, wires and buttons. Not only was the table covered, but I had two rolling plastic drawer units that were completely jammed with supplies and the floor surrounding it all was covered with piles of the same kind of stuff. It is not gone, it has been reorganized into tubs - the same kind of art filing system I use at school - and the tubs are now stacked in my guest room awaiting their final home in tall IKEA cabinets. The wobbly card table with the vintage table cloth will be gone, the hand painted by William paper will be

moved to a different location, my vision board will be removed, revamped, and returned to a place it can remind me of where I am right now. In it's place will sit two IKEA wardrobe sized cabinets with two tubs on each shelf. I believe all my art, jewelry, sewing and knitting supplies will fit inside it. Mismatched drawer units will be gone. Organization will rule. And my hope is that art will happen because I no longer feel overwhelmed with the mess and can actually get to the things I need. Another self-portrait. I blew my hair straight. Feeling conflicted about it. Straight, curly, super short, or be patient and let it grow beyond this not-so-flattering stage?

6-5

2009-06-06T10:18:00.001-07:00

The temperature has dropped and the breeze has picked up. A great day to get outside early and tackle the first item on my "get organized" agenda... my outdoor storage room.

For a storage room, it is quite large, about 8'x8'. But it has become a jumble of left over paint cans, wood scrap, a large mirror salvaged from my remodeled bathroom, art supplies and camping gear. I needed to create some order, but mostly I needed to clear some space, because now that I have a working sink in there, I'm thinking art-room... I'm tired of dreaming. It is time I had one.

First order of business was to get everything out, so pretty soon my whole patio area was covered with various piles... keep, recycle, give to Goodwill, pitch... and toxic wastes. My daughter came over and took a few things, my friend Jelene came by and took some more, I've put the paint to dispose of in a secluded spot and removed the lids... dried up paint can go in the garbage later. The recycle and Goodwill items are in my car and ready to go for tomorrow.

I hung the mirror-see the reflection - it makes me feel like I have more elbow room. I brought most of my paper -making supplies out here and tomorrow I will look for a blender at Goodwill (50% off Saturday). I found some things I'd completely forgotten about, designated a few things appropriate items for Christmas gifts and all-in-all accomplished what I'd set out to do, I have a place where art is possible... a place I can drip on the ground, where I have a large sink, etc... all I will need to do is pull my bicycle out and I'll be ready to go.

I had thought in the morning that I'd need to purchase a storage unit to put on my patio, but after just cleaning I see I have plenty of room.

Next week I tackle my office... with some luck I can get it under control as well.

Oh... no self-portrait... it was so horrible I just deleted it.

june 4-fossil creek

2009-06-05T06:35:00.000-07:00

On a list of things to make your life better is "go sit by a stream" For the second year now I have taken that advice and taken my daughter & grandsons to Fossil Springs to catch crawdads and explore.
The day dawned with high clouds, unusual for Arizona in June, but unusual weather has become something of the norm lately, and an overcast day is always welcomed when you are going to be outside all day.

Very early on we realised the fishing poles I'd gotten were destined to become a huge tangle of fishing wire, so we abandoned them for the trusty nets we'd brought along and within minutes we began catching crawdads.

Along with crawdads, Katie discovered tadpoles, some with beginning legs, some without. The tadpoles were fun because you could touch them without getting pinched.

Tadpoles and frogs are native species that we want to keep in Arizona streams, but crawdads are invasive. When it was time to go, we sent the tadpoles back int the stream to grow up and have babies,

but the crayfish we took home . The forest service asks us to dispose of as many ans we can.

The boys slept all the way into Cave Creek, where we stopped for an ice cream cone.

It was a perfect day. I did nothing, really. Thought only about crayfish and little boys. Walked in the water, built a damn of rocks across the stream and thoroughly detached from the school year part of my life to the summer part.

june 3

2009-06-04T06:03:00.000-07:00

First day of my summer vacation and the first order of business is cleaning... and I mean cleaning everything, from my toxic body to the storage room off my patio.

Last summer I began a remodel of my house and it looks great, but I have one or two cluttered, needs-order-now, areas. One of those is my storage room, which I'm going to try to clean into an outside art staging area and my office, where beyond my desk, art supplies lay in piles on the floor, the table, or stashed inside a couple plastic rolling bins. I didn't really start cleaning these today, but I did begin to brainstorm how I was going to manage the transition from piled and stashed to organized art materials and space. I think IKEA and several Rubbermaid tubs will do the trick inside and outside cleaning, throwing and rearranging might be all it really takes.

I began cleaning my intestinal tract today, too. Seems that by the end of every school year I've managed to let myself get run down from stress, poor eating habits and sporadic workouts. It will take a couple of weeks to get my body back on track, but I'm beginning today to take care of myself. Making time to be still, to exercise every day and to eat all the beautiful food that can make me feel great.

Not such a tall order, is it? Just get everything to run just a bit more smoothly... clear the clutter that causes me stress, eat great food and read great books, knit every day and go to my water aerobics class. What a great life!

June 2

2009-06-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

June 2. My birthday. Also... and almost more importantly, the last day of school. I cleaned off my desk, turned in my keys, and headed off into my summer vacation.
Later, friend kel and I met to celebrate being 60 and the end of the year. She is heading to the Midwest to spend six weeks with friends and family. I will take a short trip to Santa Fe cruising the galleries, but most of my summer will be spent right here... really creating studio space, making paper every day, knitting knitting knitting, going to water aerobics and becoming a new grandmother for the third time. Can't wait to start.

Painted daisy's grace my dining room table.

june 1

2009-06-01T20:26:00.001-07:00

Still fifty-nine... long day finally came to the end and while I was too late to participate in water aerobics, I was not too late to take some pictures.

What is the secret of taking your own picture? But I am not completely offended by this one. Almost 7 pm, by the pool.

my friend Pauline and another exerciser stretch after a good workout in the pool. Mmmm, the water looked so good. Even though I did not go in, this was the best part of my day.

Tomorrow, my birthday and the last day of school. Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

what I did, who I am

2009-05-31T21:29:00.000-07:00

Decided I am going to try to chronicle the summer... which doesn't officially start for me until June 3. Taking one picture every day of what I have been doing and one self -portrait... here you will see a couple of what I've been doing and several self-portrait's since that is where i need the most practice... maybe.

Paper. I've been making paper. some of the gray-blue tones you see... how do you make rice paper? with rice?

In the kitchen. light coming in through the window, shade drawn, but still harsh light. Washes too much color out.

In the dining room. Light source nearly the same as the kitchen but I am standing further from the window... a little better. Color seems pretty natural.

In the living room. Northern light here and maybe the flash is at work. I think this is probably the best color for being realistic... and I like how my aging skin is a bit softened.

I did not take this picture today, Katie did. She threw a surprise birthday party for me... it was a surprise. She told me we were going to the pool and then out to dinner.
Me and just a few of the folks who decided to come... I feel truly blessed that so many people would take time out of their days to come say happy birthday to me.

fifty-nine

2009-05-31T06:55:00.000-07:00

I'm fifty-nine... for two more days. All this year I've been saying, "I'm almost sixty." I have leaned toward the year ahead rather than claim this year, this time... but the last week or so I have been telling myself quietly that I am fifty-nine and I have been trying to figure out what this past decade has been about.

When I turned fifty... or maybe forty-nine... I told myself I was going to pledge to live my life like an adventure... and to a great extent I have, going to Alaska to raft the wild rivers, kayaking & river rafting in Costa Rica, climbing the mountains of Idaho, going to Glacier National Park, traveling to France, Switzerland and Italy. It's been good, and while adventure needs to always be part of my life, I think this next decade will be about something different. Joy maybe? Beauty? Love?

I don't quite have a word for it yet... my fried kel says, Enlightenment... 60 is the age of enlightenment...but that word is too vague for me.

Mostly, though I want to live my life head on and fully. I want to accept all the joy and happiness that comes my way, to cherish it, but hold it lightly. I want to work with beautiful colors and textures and play with them, experiment, and just experience the feeling of discovery that art is for me. I want to build relationships, to be open to the richness, the variety that life will offer me... I want to love people as they are, not so much as I would like them to be. I'd like to completely like to give up control in that department and just quit trying to mold folks into my image of perfection.

I want to allow myself to just be me... I will make a sign that says Happy Ending Art Studio and hang it somewhere where I can see it every day to remind myself that it already exists. I will enjoy and cherish my family but not lose myself in their lives. I will figure this out. I will definitely learn to take better pictures of myself....

Two more days. But until then, I will live this adventure.

Here are a couple pictures of the boys. W has a first class shiner and a new buzz cut. Pizza is just his normal 3 yr old self...

2009-04-12T20:46:00.000-07:00

Easter breakfast at JB's... Mom was in good form.

He is so darned cute...a complete pain, but cute.

Saturday it rained and they jumped

He wiggled

puddle jumper...

He has his hat on.... and a black eye

cute, but one of us wiggled

I love this picture.....

not there

2009-01-12T19:12:00.000-08:00

I'm not there. I'm here. Right here in sunny, crowded Phoenix Arizona. 68 degrees today and Richard, who is in 2nd grade, promised when I asked him, that he would not bounce in class tomorrow. He will bounce, but that is okay, too.

Where do I want to be? Lately not here... but looking at this spectacularly beautiful picture I know, not there, either.

Sunday

2009-01-11T19:29:00.000-08:00

Already I am thinking about next weekend. My sister will be here. She flies in on Wednesday and I will pick her up, but take her to my parents house where she will stay until Friday after school when I will pick her up and bring her to my house.

It is Sunday and the dishwasher is running through it's cycles, the shades are pulled, the kitchen is cleanish, tomorrow's lunch is packed and ready to slip into my bag. Tomorrow I start a Rio Salado on line class. 45 hours of SEI for anyone that is interested. I won't have much time to devote to this class the first week... and the first week of an online class are always the most difficult for me, finding out where everything is, what the expectations are. But when it is done, it's done.

Told Katie I would come to dinner on Tuesday and see her newly stained concrete floor. I need to get in for an oil change this week and discovered a new coffee shop today on 59th Ave north of Union Hills called Next - I have three different scarves started and two bags and need to just finish something.

It will all be okay though. I made a really excellent dinner tonight and February 14 is just over a month away ... you are thinking Valentine's Day, right... but that is not it... on or around February 14 the weather changes and suddenly it is no longer winter, but spring. I can feel myself getting ready for spring.

distracted

2009-01-10T17:02:00.001-08:00

My dad gave me three navel oranges yesterday. I've eaten one. His orange trees and grapefruit tree don't have much this year.... do you think they are conserving because of the economic downturn?

I've been distracted. Not on track. I think, in many respects, I don't know where my track is... but that is the bigger picture. Right now I am thinking more in terms of the smaller picture.

For instance, when I decided to take the above picture this afternoon, my camera told me it had no memory card. I threw the card away. I know I did. I took it out and gave it to the Ritz camera folks and they developed some pictures for me and gave me the pictures and an envelope back... I imagine the memory card was in there. In the envelope. But I have thrown the envelope away, given the pictures to my mom and daughter. By the time I got the pictures my mind was no longer on the memory card... it was on something else. Who knows what. Anyway, good thing I have a low memory, came-with-the-camera, card that was still in the box.
Bummer.

Today on the way back from the grocery store I got distracted by the quality of light on an elm tree(it just glowed), and while driving lately I get distracted by other things I see and catch myself not driving defensively, like you must in this town... dangerous!

I never was a linear kind of person. My mom has always blamed that on my being a Gemini... but now, at 59, my brain has become this floating mass of thoughts, ideas, and memories that merge and flow, slip and slide and I can't seem to get things to slow down enough to get hold of anything.

Today I was juried into an art coop. I'm like the grandma there. Silver hair, cut short, in an among all these 20 and 30 somethings. I will work at not telling them their music is too loud for me (and not really my style). Maybe I'll learn to like what they listen to... I'm going to practice that. I gave them my spiritual direction card (one of the guys asked if I had a card or a name I wanted to go by) and they did not miss a beat. Told me I could use the back room for spiritual direction. Acceptance. I've never experienced acceptance before. What a gift.

I need to ask my daughter to take about a dozen pictures of me in hopes that one will look decent enough for me to change the picture out in this blog. A kindergartner said to me Friday, "your hair is turning white!" oooooya....

One week back at work. All my art projects are going well, doing some things I've never done before or done, but with different age groups. It has been a struggle but exciting, too. I'm getting some of the stuff I ordered with the grant money and it is so much fun to pull it out and see what it will do. But, but, but I can tell that I am not there... the minute the kids walk out of the room my mind flits somewhere else and I have to lasso it back, tie it down, so I can get a lesson plan written, or set up for the next session.

I spent part of my day making tags and pricing my things for the coop. I'm putting them in on the 19th and paying my part of the rent. I don't really care about the money. I just really want to cover my expenses and the cost of my yarn habit... and I'd like to be open to teaching a workshop - art and spirit ... I'd like to say studio, studio, studio... and breathe some life into that.

Did I say the girl who invited me to join the coop is an elementary art teacher, too? She has straight hair... I think I would have been a different person if I'd had straight hair.

Isn't life wonderful and unexpected? Where will this crazy road lead me next?

I want to hang my head out the window and yell, I have no map! But maybe no one does (I hope Barack Obama has one). Maybe I should just quit worrying and turn this computer off and go make some pad thai, eat, and then curl up with a fire and my knitting.

Peace & Hope

getting there

2008-12-20T17:55:00.004-08:00

I'm getting there.
Most gifts purchased, wrapped and under the tree. I can now see the dining room table.
A fresh wreath on the door. Tree trimmed. Candles in the candle holders. Plenty of fake logs - lame I know, but it is Arizona, and the fake ones pollute less.
Cookies and cookies and cookies.
Menus planned.
Tomorrow I will clean the bathrooms and check that the linens are fresh.
Monday Liz will be here!!!! I can't wait to see her... and this new person she is bringing along. This new person who wants to meet her family (just the teeniest bit stressful).

This old year is slip sliding away and though I want to savor every moment of this next week when I have my daughter here, I am so looking forward to the clean slate of a new year and a new beginning.

my day

2008-12-15T20:03:00.000-08:00

Today is Monday... all day... and the kids came to school with no brain. Their bodies were there, but nothing else... a perpendicular line... they had no idea what that was.... they could not remember anything about last week. what they learned, where we were with the project... I told them we would try again tomorrow. I can appreciate where they are... I am barely there as well. It was the same for all the grades... paint. glue. They could do those things.... they just could not think about it.

I pulled a boy's tooth today! My first ever. What fun... his tooth was so loose at lunch he was having trouble eating and the gal I do lunch duty with asked me if we should send him to the nurse... I scoffed... it is a tooth, I said. I will pull it out if he needs it... I went over to him and offered to pull his tooth and he clamped his hand over his mouth and gave me this big-eyed no! No, he wanted nothing to do with me pulling his tooth... but later, out on the field he came to me and asked if I would pull it. Sure, I said. .. and he opened his mouth (turn your head Kathy, no I did not have on latex gloves, I had not washed my hands with sanitizer... ) and I put two fingers on the tooth and out it came.... was the thing connected at all??? His eyes got huge, he stuck his finger in his mouth and felt the spot where the tooth had been. I put the tooth in his jacket pocket (it zipped) and later saw him with his tooth out, showing a girl, with the biggest grin on his face. Pretty exciting for both of us, really.

My mom is in the hospital. She fell and cut her head and needed stitches, (her head is wrapped up like Marley's Ghost)... but because of her age and how fragile she is, they kept her. I went to see her and aside from the fact that she complained about the hospital food as she ate nearly every bite and asked the same questions over and over, she seemed pretty good. My dad thought he would be able to bring her home today... now he thinks it will be tomorrow. Borrowed time. That's what they are living on. All I can do is love her, love them both.

After I went to the hospital I came home and ate a light dinner and then went to the gym to walk the tread mill and take the palates class... I feel like an awkward cow in that class, but the music and the instructor are fabulous... so I will stick it out until I improve.

number three

2008-12-14T19:28:00.000-08:00

Pete's 3rd birthday and we are at the fire department. The whole force turned out for him and the kids and parents who attended. It was really great, even I learned a thing or two about what a fireman does.
like the foam they mix into the water is often just detergent.... the detergent acts to smother the flames... even the water coming from this hose was laced with this foaming stuff.

W gets his shot at manning the hose. They saw the ladder go up on the fire engine, watched the helicopter take off and land, saw where the fireman lived and had about a hundred questions answered... The guys at the fire department were great.

They even had a few minutes to play around the water before they were herded off to see something else.

Even Mom was given a turn to have some fun as she donned the fire suit complete to helmet, mask and oxygen tank...

Star gazing

2008-12-14T19:04:00.000-08:00

My grandmother's sugar cookie recipe. She made them every Christmas and every Easter they would reappear as chicks and lambs... they were so good.

She decorated each one individually, red icing for the Santa's, green for the Christmas trees. The stars were yellow and blue. The icing had a hint of almond and the cookies did not taste that good the first day... it was when they were three or four days old that the frosting and the cookie part finally came together. I have her recipe (I got it from my sister, since the last time I asked Gram for it she told me she had already given it to me... apparently one shot was all you get).

I only made stars this year. White icing with blue and yellow sprinkles. Kept my life a bit easier. 68 cookies in all. I had pondered taking them to the cookie exchange... but these, I think I will hang onto. Share them with family and friends in the weeks ahead.

They sat on my counter tops for hours drying before I could put them into tins, then it took several hits with a wash cloth and a scrubby to get the dried frosting off the counter.
But I find them nearly perfect. They are Christmas for some reason.

I have a week until the cookie exchange.... I'll come up with something.

mess

2008-12-10T20:27:00.000-08:00

As I sit here, in front of my computer I can see into my kitchen. My kitchen is a mess. A couple of dirty dishes, a dishwasher full of clean waiting to be put away, a Kitchen Aide mixer sitting out waiting for the next batch of cookies, some clean towels, some not so clean, a cook book, a bag of flour... disarray.

I went to my cranial sacral person today... she moved some of the bones in my head and my headache is mostly gone and my eye-twitch is a thing of the past... if you do not have a cranial sacral person find one immediately...

I went to the dentist, too. Needed three little fillings that they managed without the need for pain killers... no numb mouth, hallelujah!

I also went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the elliptical, an hour with my trainer, and 20 in the jacuzzi

Then easy dinner, then Private Practice, then here... no dishes done tonight...

I am a morning person. tomorrow morning the clutter will bother me, but right now I am just going to turn off the light and mosey down the hall to my bedroom and crawl into my unmade bed and read until my eyes no longer focus... not a bad plan.

faking it

2008-12-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

I wrote and reminded my book group we meet next Monday and asked for an rsvp... but I did not mention I have completely forgotten what book we are to read or where I have put it.

I'm not too worried really. The book is short and it must be around here somewhere.

normal... for my age

2008-12-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

On Saturday I had a cat scan... long story short, I smacked my head a couple weeks ago and the pain had not gone away and I had developed an annoying twitch on my right eyelid and the school nurse said maybe it was a hematoma and a friend of mine freaked out and said I might die and must seek medical attention immediately, and so Saturday I went to emergent care and they sent me for a cat scan and the results said my brain was "normal for my age"

Now what the hell does that mean?

For a couple years I subscribed to the magazine More, the one that says it celebrated the over forty woman... but every ad is filled with age defying makeup and hair color... all the models have flawless skin and if they are forty, fifty, or heaven forbid, MY AGE, well, then the editors and photo people have been pretty generous with the airbrushing... I didn't think they were celebrating at all. They were trying to tell us how with just a little more effort, with a few more dollars spent, we could remain 30-40 forever. I don't think it works that way.

I don't know who I am anymore... normal for my age... what is normal?

Things are happening to my body that are truly alarming... flesh, skin is accumulating in the darnedest places. I can fill in my bra with skin that I scoop from here and there... the skin around my knees is sagging and I will not even begin to talk about my stomach, which first thing in the morning, when I am standing and holding it in looks pretty much like it used to, but by evening has puddled down into this forlorn sack under my rib cage. The other day I commented that I had a brace on my knee, orthodics in my shoes, and a magnetic bracelet on my arm... I remember my friend and I doubled over laughing at the pathetic truth of the situation... but then later that day I got a call from the doctors office that I had mild carpal tunnel and should wear arm braces to bed every night.

Over a year ago, I made a break with the life I had told myself I would lead. Since then I have been floundering a bit... trying to get my sea legs, so to speak. Trying to find out who I really am. Letting my hair go gray and naturally curly. It's been like a bumper car ride, careening this way and that. Connecting to things that feel like Source, like art and spirit and grandchildren... and then bumping into that other thing... what is it... I don't have a word for it, but you know what I mean... that thing that makes you feel unsuccessful, unloved, and old.

So that's why the words normal for her age struck me so hard... that is what I'd like to be, just normal for my age, but I don't know what that is anymore... there doesn't seem to be a model for it out there. I am really tired of chasing the brass ring of youth but not yet ready for the old folks home either. There is an in-between time, isn't there? Just a few years of grace when you are certain about what you needn't do anymore. Those few years when your voice is strong and so is your resolve. That time when you are finally wise and powerful and beautiful... but in a classical sense, like an old Victorian home that has been well maintained or a tree or a smooth stone...

Normal for my age. People my age cry for no reason at all, they like comfortable clothes, and cannot tolerate bullshit or wasted energy. People my age have some wrinkles and saggy skin and knees that give them fits. People my age live with a little pain and learn how to ignore it. People my age like a glass of wine, Meet the Press, and other people who can remember the words to Hey Paul, Hey Paula and Soldier Boy. People my age appreciate quiet and beauty and a little sarcasm. People my age know how to suit themselves and sometimes do so at the expense of someone else's comfort.... or at least that's what I think.

Maybe it has nothing to do with age. Maybe it just has to do with me. What do you think?

my day

2008-11-27T14:03:00.000-08:00

It's Thanksgiving day and I have a turkey breast in the oven complete w/ stuffing and a pecan pie. My dad and mom will come by later and bring potatoes, cranberry sauce and "the green jello"... it will only be the three of us, but that's okay... I think I'll stick a log in the fireplace, it rained today, excuse enough to build a fire in Arizona...

I'm turtle sitting! And here he is, Lucky, the African turtle. My car pool buddy raises them. She has two really large ones that live outside, but they gang up on this guy so he can't get into the heated shed at night ... and she has little ones that live in an aquarium until they are big enough to not be bird food. Lucky gets moved in and out every day. At night he lives in a box in her bathtub, during the day he is out. I'm doing the same for him... look at him, isn't he a beauty?
I tried to get the glisten of the sunlight on the raindrops... it thundered here around 1 pm and dumped a bunch of rain, but in true Arizona style, the sun came out immediately after and the raindrops looked like thousands of diamonds on the leaves and buds... breathtaking!

Earlier today I took the grandsons to the Thanksgiving Day Parade in Fountain Hills. The parade wasn't quite as big as the year before... I think the rain kept some of the entrants at home... but P and W enjoyed it just the same and waved at every entry that went by, called out Happy thanksgiving, and scrambled for the candy that was thrown.

W. used to be such a sweet boy... but anymore he only wants to do these fierce faces... because he's a Ninja, you know.

Sitting on the parade route with Fountain Hills lake and palm trees in the distance... this is the time of year we are so thankful to live in the desert. (Lou, don't you wish you had had the sweats W has on? You always wanted to be a skeleton...)

Other than this, I have been thinking about status. I finally got around to establishing a trust and one of the questions was whether I was single or divorced... this always bugs me since I don't feel either... divorced sounds like such a looser status and single is a word that swings quite a bit more than I do... can't I be just unmarried but open to all of life's possibilities? Or person of independent means? Or grown woman? Something that really describes my situation...

I told Bill(who won't be here for Christmas) that L was bringing new friend home and that Katie was concerned about a Christmas stocking... I mentioned I would just give the new guy his. Bill objected saying he wasn't ready to give up his Christmas sock yet... then he said the new guy could use his but that it should say "boyfriend" with the suggestion that he might be able to upgrade to a permanent sock at another Christmas gathering. Wonder what Bill's sock should say, un-boyfriend?

My parents will be here in 20 minutes... they are never late and I still need to clean off the dining room table!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Things I have to remember

2008-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

busy day today... didn't go to work, but busy none the less, doctor appointments, dentist appointments... and while I was buzzing around enjoying not being at school I began to make a list of things that work and don't work in my life. I need to remember this...

What doesn't work:

Trying... trying definitely does not work, never has, never will... though I have spent 85% of my life trying... trying is a total waste of time and I am really going to attempt (not try) to never tell a child he/she should try harder ever again.

Rephrasing the question... never works. Believe me, if you ask a question clearly and get an answer you don't care to hear, stating it differently does no good at all. Know when to quit!

Pushing... pushing or prodding may seem to work for a while, but it will backfire. What happens, happens... you just cannot change flow because you wish to.

Controlling things... I met a lady who gave up trying to control her husband for Lent... note that she was doing two things that don't work... trying and controlling.. we know better, we all know better, but we forge on.

What does work:

Smiling... it is nearly magical... and I forget to do it all the time.

Seeing the world as perfect... one day I practiced seeing every child who walked through my classroom as Jesus... it was amazing.

Sending love... same as above

Being happy, having a heart filled with joy... it is infectious isn't it?

Hard work... hard work is not the same as trying... hard work may be hard but it doesn't carry the same stress... I have worked hard, physically, mentally, and felt this good sense of accomplishment during the entire process... trying feels completely different.

I'm ready for a world that works for me... maybe if I just remember what works and practice it, things will come around.

perfect

2008-11-17T16:18:00.000-08:00

look at this perfect stack... balanced for the moment... serene and beautiful... oblivious to any danger.

last night I told the story of sitting in the steam room at the gym and forcing myself to see my daughters as perfect just the way they were (the teen years had been tough)... of after that practicing seeing them as perfect as often as I could... and how something changed... me or them, I was never sure... but that shift made everything better.

I've practiced this form of seeing every so often since. With my children, with the students, with people I know... but I've never practiced it on me. I've never stopped and said to myself, "you are perfect just the way you are and when you change, that will be perfect, too."

I have writer's block and artist's block and general social skills block right now and I have been struggling with it but at this moment, I think I need to switch my thinking and not just relax into it, but really see this a temporary state of still-perfection... I need to love this person with no words and no art... I need to do for myself what I would willing do for others.

Gee, I am feeling better already.

goodbye, bogey man

2008-11-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

I am always surprised and dismayed when I run into fear... the kind of fear that polarizes some and sends others running to hide.

I've been lucky. I haven't had to experience enough fear in my life (other than mice) to have a deep fight or flight mechanism. I was never abused, battered, or put down enough to create any permanent scars. And although I can get caught up in worry - another senseless activity - I am very seldom afraid.

Most fear is shadow anyway. Not real when you give it a closer look. Most fear will flea when you turn and look at it squarely, will hide when you open your heart to embrace it... so I am left bamboozled when I encounter someone else's fear... when I encounter a fear that might have some basis in their life experience. A fear founded in some region I have never had to inhabit.

I have to let them voice it, right? I have to sit in silence as they wrestle their own demons, find their own truth. My job, I feel, is to remain present. To witness. I can't discount it. I can't rationalize it away. I can't in any way make them think I find their fear silly or unimportant, it is not. So I listen, and as I listen I realise I need to guard myself from taking on their fear, from sliding myself inside it. I have to listen, but I also have to see what they are saying for what it is. Fear, not truth.

Threats of assassination heard repeatedly sound like truth if that is all you hear. Confederate flags hung unrepentantly amongst Budweiser signs send clear messages to those attuned to that type of thing. Ignorance and hate is enough to scare the crap out of anyone.

This morning that fear still clung to me, and when I watched Meet The Press, I watched them closely to see if I could see any fear on their faces, any sense that they were waiting for the shoe to drop. There was no indication they expected anything but a new president in January... I began to feel better. It was a shadow, not a certainty.

Joy Harjo writes in I Give You Back

I release you, my beautiful and terrible
fear. I release you. You were my beloved
and hated twin, but now I don't know you
as myself. I release you with all the
pain I would know at the death of my
children.

You are not my blood anymore.

I give you back to the soldiers
who burned down my home, beheaded my children
raped and sodomized my brothers and sisters.
I give you back to those who stole the
food from our plates when we were starving.

I release you, fear, because you hold
these scenes in front of me and I was born
with eyes that can never close.

I release you.
I release you.
I release you.
I release you.

I am not afraid to be angry.
I am not afraid to rejoice.
I am not afraid to be black.
I am not afraid to be white.
I am not afraid to be hungry.
I am not afraid to be full.
I am not afraid to be hated.
I am not afraid to be loved

to be loved, to be loved, fear.

O, you have choked me, but I gave you the leash.
You have gutted me, but I gave you the knife.
You have devoured me, but I laid myself across the fire.

I take myself back, fear.
You are not my shadow any longer.
I won't hold you in my hands.
You can't live in my eyes, my ears, my voice,
my belly, or in my heart my heart
my heart my heart

But come here, fear
I am alive and you are so afraid
of dying.

From She Had Some Horses... one of my favorite books of poetry.

up n' down

2008-10-17T09:38:00.000-07:00

I've been gone for a while. Out of the country. In Switzerland and Italy. Visiting my beautiful daughter. Climbing upstairs and downstairs... the difference between Phoenix, Arizona and where I've been for the last ten days as far as I am concerned. Phoenix is flat... even the hilly parts are flat, or have been made flat... In Geneva, in Italy, nothing was flat. Stairs everywhere. Liz is four flights up. Every hike we took involved stairs. Walks through town, into and out of the hotels, all stairs. I lost four pounds from all the climbing up and down, but also did a number on my knee, so that the last four days of my stay I felt limpy and gimpy. Still it was wonderful
And I did find one flat place to sooth my feet... but I didn't get to stay there for too long.

We started at ocean level and came up, then dropped back down... then up and down a couple more times. No wonder Europeans tend to be slender... but look at the view. This rusty thing I'm standing by has handles, can you see them? A motor bike of some kind that was reused as some kind of motorized pulley system . Beautiful day and second day of our walk from one end of the Cinque Terre to the other and back again.

Villages and paths hanging onto cliffs overlooking the blue Mediterranean. Spectacular views... and being able to do it with this used-to-stairs-now daughter of mine was wonderful.

I got back to Phoenix Tuesday night. Wednesday, three times I walked out of my house to the car, got in, and went on one errand or another, got back in my car and then walked the twenty or so steps back into my house. If I'd been at Liz's I would have had to climb down four flights of stairs, walk to the store or bus stop, walk back to the apartment house, up for flights of stairs before I was in the apartment. Kind of an eye-opener for me.

I've been recovering from jet-lag and still nursing my knee, but I need to get moving. I need to build climbing up and down back into my life style... there are ways, I tell myself...

what I'm thinking about

2008-09-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about my trip and trying to look forward to putting on jeans and -gulp!- support pantyhose for the 17 hour plane ride... My sister tells me the support hose will leave me feeling energetic and with no swollen ankles when I land in Geneva... she better be right.

I'm thinking about the kids the teachers tell me are rats when they drop them at the door and they are never the ones who turn out to be rats for me... and how I wish they would never do that.

I'm thinking about the bailout and debt and this never ending campaign that leaves me on pins and needles. I'm thinking about where I will spend election night... not home this time... I want to be with other Obama supporters for this one. Where are Obama people gathering on election night?

I'm thinking about Pete who has had a fever and a rash and a little kindergartner who was stung by a scorpion that was in her hair!!!

I'm thinking about the things I don't want to forget and things I am sick of thinking about.

I'm thinking that since I took that writing workshop I have absolutely nothing to say and that I find myself boring and redundant.

I'm thinking about how much I love tempera paint and how glad I will not have to mess with it for a couple weeks.

I'm thinking I need a manicure and an eyebrow wax.

And last, I'm thinking about Fabian, who when I told them to draw a picture of their family and to include pets, drew a picture of an elephant who he told me slept with him and loved peanuts... isn't that great?

happy ending

2008-09-28T19:05:00.000-07:00

I met Natalie and Joe this summer in water aerobics. They're in love... crazy, sweet sixteen kind of love... smile at each other silly kind of love... blind to everyone else kind of love... and I think they are about 76, 77 years old... you really feel good just being around them.

Tonight, at our end-of-season BBQ I asked Joe how they met... and he said in high school. They dated for four years in high school... but he went one way for college and she went the other and then the Korean war broke out and he was sent to Korea and when he came back things had happened and Natalie had married Hank, another guy they'd gone to high school with.

Then he and his wife attended their fiftieth high school reunion and he saw Natalie and she saw him. Within four years later both of their spouses were deceased and within months they were together. Natalie has told me she has never been happier in her life. I should tell her it is obvious...

Natalie then tells me this happens. A friend of hers had dated a guy in high school who became a Jesuit priest. She had married and divorced four times, Nat says, trying to find the right guy. A friend of his who knew her encouraged him to call her and he did. When they met they flew into each other's arms... each other was what they had been missing.

The Britcom, Time Goes By was on last night. I think I've seen every episode at least twice. When Lionel bumps into Jean, three decades have gone by. They have misfires and misunderstandings but attraction wins out in the end and in their bumbling, stiff way they end up together.

Lately I have found myself trying to just live today. Trying hard to not think, not dream and for God's sake not speculate on what I am or am not hearing... but today it has been particularly difficult.

the workshop

2008-09-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

Spent the weekend in Sedona. Inside. It was beautiful outside, but I was inside. Inside a theater/lecture hall of the Red Mountain High school for two full days taking a workshop with Natalie Goldberg.

I learned some important rules:
use a fast pen. continue no matter what. keep your hand moving. don't be tossed away. don't cross out. be specific. write from your whole body. figure out what your obsessions are. tell the truth. lose control. read it aloud. it is not a precious something... it is just writing!

Some words I heard:
I stopped sleeping on Sundays. symbolic pools of blood. Ramon brought me back to life. they were not killers. I was a hog man. six months away from a heart attack. it's coming and it's coming today. red grass. one, two, three. is is is unraveling. dumb and slow. fuck. all the different kinds of years. my heart is as full now as my desire was full then. he didn't know he was beautiful. unballing.

Some words I wrote:
I didn't have a camera or maybe the energy to pull one out. in the midst of this somberness were light and life. whatever it is, it is not the future. begin to think about the important parts, like shoes. now I'm thinking about it. flotilla of mushroom. polished skull. her neck in cinnamon warmth. light cast with a shade of cool. rough skinned and still cool after all these hours of resting next to my water bag. peel-pull, break off a segment. sits like plates, cockeyed and stacked in the sand. the woosh of snow as it leaves the shovel. soaked through, teeth chatter, can't even talk.

not much else to say right now, but I think you could start in any one of these places and there would be possibilities.

spinach pie and other food for the soul

2008-09-18T19:21:00.001-07:00

Cooking is not my first love. I find it nearly impossible to follow a recipe, usually adding or substituting something along the way. The other day I made spinach pie and added some grated zucchini which made it a bit soggy but added little to the flavor and a whole wheat crust, but apparently these additions satisfied my need to dink around in the kitchen... and the outcome was good.
But as usual, too large for one person, so I have been on a spinach pie diet most evenings this week. I've found that a dash of Tabasco really adds to it, and last night I included a dollop of sour cream which wasn't as good as plain yogurt might have been.

While I eat my spinach pie I have been reading Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg, as I will be attending her workshop this weekend. Now that is food for the artistic soul.

She wrote the most amazing thing: The problem is we think we exist.

Don't you love that?! I've been toying it with it all day.

this is about me

2008-09-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

Seems this last week strife and conflict has erupted all around me. A friend of mine lost his job, several people at work are bent out of shape, there are pastor/parish conflicts where I attend church and since the Republican convention the tone of the presidential campaign is about anything but the issues.

Often when these kind of things have cropped up around the outskirts of my life I have wondered what to do. How do I effect change? How do I resolve conflict? When do I stand back, when do I step up? Most things I've learned are beyond my control. Most of the time the best thing I can do is bear witness, pray, and live in compassion. Most of the time I am okay with this, understanding that my ability to send love, compassion, and hope to a situation is the way I best serve it. And that is what I will do, except in this one case. Barack Obama.

I am going to work the call centers for Obama, and in fact, today have been calling people in his Neighbor to Neighbor program. For the past two presidential elections I have voted, I have prayed, I have put bumper stickers on my car and endured people driving by shouting obscenities at me, and I have sent money. In the two prior presidential elections I have been disappointed by the outcome. I do not want the same thing to happen again. Obama is right. This is not about him. This is about me.

I want a country my grandson's can grow up in and be free to express their opinions, disagree, without someone else shouting them down and calling them names. I want a country where every family can have a doctor and every child is provided the best health care available. I want a country where people can earn a decent wage for an honest days work. I want to live in a country that realizes we must love out neighbor as ourselves regardless of his faith, age, nationality, color of his skin, or sexual preference, and find a way to live and flourish while remaining constant to that golden rule. I want to live in a country where being educated, innovative and thoughtful are not only valued, but considered essential. I want a country that looks beyond the moment and considers the future when it makes decisions on the environment, military action, and social reform. I want a country that cherishes values but understands that core values can be nurtured in diverse beliefs.

I believe that Barack Obama would stand with me on these issues, that he would listen, that he would refine what I have only roughed out. His opponent would not.

I don't expect a free ride. I don't think these things will be easily come by. I think it will take years of hard work and no little sacrifice to make all I can see for this country, for my grandchildren, happen. But I believe the American people are equal to the task if we tell them the truth. If we explain the steps we need to take to get from here to there. I am done with fear and manipulation. We are a great nation only when we think great thoughts. The time is now. We have waited nearly too long as it is.

My sister told me Obama needs to get tough and attack back and I asked her if that is really what we want from him. Win at any cost? Win even if you have to hit as low as your opponent? I don't know. I don't think we really win when we play their dirty games.

But this is important. Too much is at stake to let this election slip through our fingers. I have to stand up and do what I can.

food

2008-09-13T10:28:00.000-07:00

I have noticed that I have not been eating well. Oh, I do all right for breakfast and lunch. For breakfast I eat basically the same thing every day, and lunch I pack in to school and it usually involves a salad and rice or beans or hummus, and maybe a small granny smith apple. Almonds to snack on, or maybe half of one of those new protein bars. But it is dinner I have really been slip-sliding through. I eat with disinterest and I am beginning to think, poor judgement. I eat like I don't really care about myself and this has got to stop. I have this really beautiful kitchen now and I feel like I'd like to begin celebrating it and myself with delicious, healthy food.

This morning I browsed through my Real Food Daily and Vegetarian cookbooks and began to look at some of the beautiful, healthy entrees I find there. I tend to like the vegetarian cookbook better - fewer, simpler ingredients and plus they are smaller, so I don't feel like I need to throw a party to get rid of all the food - and identified a couple things I'd like to begin with. A spinach pie or a tomato feta pizza. Each easy and straight forward and nutritious... the protein-carb-fat ratio is within the realm of acceptable. And they look yummy and just right for still hot late September in Arizona.

I need to clean this desk I am sitting at, and the whole room really, then clean my refrigerator, which still has not been organized since the remodel. After that I will know what ingredients I need to produce my first dish.... I think the spinach pie....

I want this to be a new leaf I am turning over. One that says I value myself and I am worth beautiful healthy meals every day.

peace, love and vote Obama : )

voice

2008-09-10T19:38:00.001-07:00

This is a magic lantern... my most recent double page in my altered book. I have been thinking about magic, miracles and expectation for the last couple of days since I watched the DVD, The Secret, last week. Also today, I went to see my spiritual director, as always a treat for me as I never fail to come away with this view of my rag-tag life as a whole organism moving in a purposeful direction.

We talked about art, my life at school, and the movement of the holy. I showed her my book so far and told her about the staff-meeting discussion I've had with my principal, told her about my vision board and my recent journaling. This discussion turned toward expectation and the role it plays in my life. I told her about a Jan Richardson quote from her book Night Visions: it is, "know your anger. use your voice. expect resurrection." This quote has always had a strong influence on me, reminding me to find the power in my anger, the energy, and to harness it with my voice, always expecting rebirth and redemption.

I hold onto expectation. hope. I look for things to turn out well. I expect them to. Yes, I have a short list of personal expectations, but I told her this is not really what I mean here... then I told her of another quote I think about often.... from The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer; "We all spend so much time not saying what we want because we know we cannot have it.... Go on. Say what you want."

I told her I have been practicing saying what I want. Not just for me, though I say those things too, but I say things I want for the world. I want peace, real peace, and I want to see the people of the world to be fed both nutritionally and spiritually, I want to the earth to thrive, to see disease and suffering to end. I said that there are plenty of people out there who do not want me to say these things, who tell me they are silly and can't be had... there are people like my dad, whom I love, who see the world divided up into those Democrats, those minorities, those freeloaders, those sexual deviants who only want to see the cup half empty and are slightly put off by my Pollyanna-ish ways. There have been people who have told me peace is an idea that will never be because all the nuns and priests pray for peace and still there is no peace. there are folks who have asked me to listen to reason, see the world their way... and I have tried it from time to time, but it is just too damned grim.

We need to say what we want. We need to expect what we want. If we never say in unison that we want peace, will pray for peace, will live for peace we will never have it. Miracles are not things we can just leave up to the nuns. We have a responsibility and until we become one voice saying what we want that we have been told over and over we cannot have, we will never have it.

Me? I choose miracles. I choose expectation. I choose the happy ending. What I want might not happen in my lifetime, or even in my grandson's, but if I do not voice my want loudly and repeatedly then it will be as if it never was.

There is a magic lantern. rub it and ask for what you want.

my hike

2008-09-07T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I hiked Mt. Humphrey's.

My friend Sandy had e-mailed me and asked if I would be interested, and I completely shoved aside the thought that I had not hiked all summer... certainly not up-hill anyway and that I have been experiencing chronic muscle pain and said, yes. We met at 6am, picked up two more hikers, and headed up to big pine country.

I skied this run in March!!!

I was pretty concerned by the time we reached the trail head. My legs had been giving me fits for a couple of days. Historically the person who leads the hike, I told them I would stay to the back and just see how I would do. I took smaller steps, letting them pull out in front of me... I like the silence of the forest anyway, and one of our group was a talker. They would stop pretty often, I thought to wait for me, but eventually when they stopped and I caught up, I just kept walking... slowly, paying attention to my pace... at some point I began to get out of breath... elevation and grade catching up to my lung power... but I started counting my breathes... doing a belly breath. Four steps per in-out breath for a higher grade, three and even four on a flat grade. I think the oxygen was feeding my muscles... I was feeling no muscle fatigue at all.

As I reached the saddle, not the peak, I began to feel my Achilles tendon in my right leg. That was the end of the hike for me, but I had done so much better than I'd expected I wasn't complaining.

Only three of us made the saddle, the other gal had difficulty with the elevation and had turned around. We ate lunch, enjoyed the view, and took a couple pictures to document our accent. Then we headed down.

Down hill was much more difficult. We were tired from our climb. Gena and Sandy both fell as we went down.... I was fortunate that I kept my feet under me... by the time we reached the midway point we stopped and tossed back a couple Advil's... I began to long for Phoenix and the jacuzzi at my health club... as we moaned and complained and wondered both to ourselves and to each other when the end of this descent would come, we also agreed that we had a great day, that we would not have passed it up.

Dela was sitting on the ski lodge patio munching on french fries and sipping a libation. She was glad to see us and we were glad to see her. We decided to grab food there, in the beautiful mountains, rather than in a congested Saturday afternoon Flagstaff.

The jacuzzi was wonderful last night, and when I got home I pretty much fell straight into bed. This morning I still felt okay, but took a couple more Advil as a precautionary measure. Now it is 4:30 and parts of my lower body are really beginning to get stiff. I'll walk later on and pop a couple more Advil before bed.

I remember ten years ago it would take me three or four days to get over a tough hike. I wonder what it will take this time.

moving forward

2008-09-04T21:30:00.000-07:00

I've been working on this altered book for about a week now... it is my first, and after a tentative start, I am starting to feel more confident.

What started out as a hum-drum page started to pick up steam when I began to collage on dyed bits of phone book and paint spattered & stained newspaper used to protect the tables when students paint. I also tried my hand at pen and ink... it has been a very long time since I played with that media.

Here's a close up... I lightened the photo trying to help you see what is happening, but think I only managed to make it look washed out. I don't think this is done yet, but as of now have no revelation where it will head next.

This is the second double page spread... again, I was just playing with colored newspaper, plus my gessoed surface has a lot more texture. As of now I don't seem to have much to write, but as I trudge along, I imagine this will get easier... anyway, I hope that is how it works.

peace

hump day

2008-09-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

One month to Geneva, Switzerland... yippee! And doesn't the cold whiteness of the snow look good on this hot sunny day?
********************

A Monday holiday means that Wednesday comes almost immediately.... two more days until Friday! How sweet....

I have been working on my altered book at school and finally feel I am pulling myself forward a bit on it... I'll remember to take my camera tomorrow and get some pictures... also went to the school library... they are weeding out tons of books and I picked up a pile of poetry books and some old picture books I'm going to play around with... I cut trees, paper doll style, out of watercolor and tempera stained newspaper and pasted them to the bottom of a collage. I love, love, love colored newspaper... so many ideas, so little time.

I find I am smiling a lot. Why is that?

love/peace

nothing accomplished

2008-09-01T20:19:00.000-07:00

I had not planned this weekend on purpose.... seems so much of my time has been over planned, tightly scheduled... the only thing I told myself I wanted to do was clean my office, and that is the only thing I did not do.

Saturday wandered an hour north of here to Seven Springs with daughter and grandsons and spent the day watching and trying to help catch crawdads. The water was refreshingly cool, the crawdads were almost alarmingly plentiful, and the boys were in little-boy heaven. Honestly, even though when the day was over I was more than ready to go home to my quiet house and take a long shower, it was a great day, totally unstructured, and just what I needed.

Sunday I ran around... accomplished very little it feels like, just took care of errands, went to Borders and bought two books, one about writing and the other about art journals and picked the boys up at 4:30 to spend the night. Funny, even though the boys wear me out after a time, they also relax me. When they arrive the rest of my world must stop. Like holding a baby... when you hold a baby, nothing else in the world matters... anyway, we swam, ate dinner, built a fire in the chiminea and toasted marshmallows, took a bubble bath and read 6 books.... after that Grandma needed to go to bed, she was tired.

Monday the boys left at 11. I wrote in my journal, told myself to clean my office, but found something else to do instead. Parents, daughter and husband and glorious grandsons were coming to dinner at 4:30... I prepared my shish-ka-bobs, then sat down and leafed through a book. 8p.m. they all left and I packed up a box of art supplies to take to school tomorrow... I have some ideas and some extra time this week where I might be able to think about my own art.

I got nothing accomplished... or maybe I got everything accomplished... there are still piles on my office floor, but I did locate my encaustic book. I found a site on encaustic monotypes I'd like to play with and made reservations for a room in September so I can attend the Natalie Goldberg workshop in Sedona. Things are rolling out even though I don't know what they are rolling out to....

I guess the bottom line is though, I spent my weekend with the people I love the most, the people who love me, and I can't imagine it being better than this. No, I did not get the clutter cleaned up in my office, but it will wait another day or week for me.

love and peace

my role

2008-08-28T21:11:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here for a while... off playing the role I think God put me on this planet to play... the role of the squeaky wheel.

I hate this role. I really try to avoid it most of the time. I try to stay in my classroom, mind my own business, keep my head down and my mouth shut... but it is so danged hard when you bump up to bureaucratic mubbly-jub.

We have staff development meetings every Wednesday afternoon. Some are worth going to, some not. I have taught myself to do breathing exercises through the trying meetings... I used to knit, but was told I could not do that any more. I'm usually okay there. Learned not to roll my eyes, keep my mouth shut, fill in the evaluation sheet in a non-committal way... I survive.

But this year we have staff meetings twice a month after the staff development meetings. These meetings are technically after school and for the last several weeks I have one appointment or another after school on Wednesday... so while I make the first meeting, I have not been attending the latter. Personally I find it no big loss, but my principal stopped me Wednesday and asked me about it.

I told her I had doctor appointments...
She said, Every Wednesday?
I told her I was working through chronic pain issues.
She said I needed to make these meetings.
I told her I could go to most of my appointments after school on Wednesday, or I could take one day off a month...
She told me she would send me a meeting schedule
and today, I sent her my doctor appointment schedule for September... honestly, some of these appointments I scheduled two months ago...

but here is the thing, the first meeting I missed I asked what had gone on and was told she (the principal) told us about the new initiative to improve teacher attendance... if we have perfect attendance for a nine week period we get to wear jeans the last day of the quarter... oh, goody! And that they watched the blood born pathogens film. The next day I got the film from the nurse, watched it... and tried to forget I had ever heard the blue jeans thing...
the second meeting I missed... yesterday's meeting... the meeting where you needed to sign in to prove that you were there... announced that the vice principal had moved on to greener pastures, that the student advisor had moved into the asst. principal role, and that the last eighth grade teacher was finally found... and oh, we could all stay for going-away cake. I understand this took 45 minutes.

I hate to have my time wasted... hate it. I began to feel my self-control crack... So while I did send my appointment schedule as an attachment to the principal, I couldn't quite help telling her that I had been told last night's meeting announced Mr. B's departure and some cheerful going-away cake and that I trusted in the future meetings would be about meatier stuff...

You know, tomorrow she will want to have a talk with me. I think I am rather looking forward to it.

love and peace

play

2008-08-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

I played today... oh, I worked too, but I began by playing and ended playing and in the middle, while I was working I was thinking about playing... so I pretty much played all day.

Last week while browsing altered art I found a site... here it is.. that had a altered page challenge. They challenged the viewer to take a book page, find words that make a poem and then decorate/alter the page to make it also an object of art... Today I did just that with a page from a discarded Goosebumps book... My poem, if you can't read it is:
Wow. I can fly!
weird
actually can fly
arms stretched out
sailed
through the air
he whimpered
"come back, Don't fly."
I laughed.

Anyway for a play-around, I am pretty impressed with the outcome. Took my original to a 7th Language arts teacher who, I know, likes to teach a poetry unit and she loved the idea...

Then I moved on to playing around with my altered book/art journal I've decided to do. Realising more and more, I just need to do this and quit worrying about raising to some bar I've set....
The painting began after school.... I am not a complete slacker...we had 'curriculum night'... no one ever visits my room, so I always treat these as personal art nights... I worked on the first two pages... beginning them much like I would begin a piece of furniture.

big funny plants, a turquoise sky... yellow ground, because I did not have the colors I like the best... words that I am only half happy with... few details... but I think as I push this around they will come.

by 6:55 this is what I had done and I needed to pack up to get out the door. I don't like the orange letters... I think a minty green would suit me better... and the yellow ground needs to be mellowed out. Also I think I may experiment with a glaze of some kind and some kind of collage action to give it more depth and interest...

This is fun and I will try bringing it home and working on it over the weekend, in between babysitting and putting everything away in my kitchen (new counter tops tomorrow!!!) Mostly I want to keep this 'just see what happens' frame of mind as I go through this process... in fact I want to see this as a process rather than a product... maybe as it gets done I will see that I have grown towards some new jumping off place...

Anyway, late. I ate a burger and fries with a chocolate milkshake while I watched a re-run of Gray's... I nearly never eat that way, but smelled french fries on the way home and I was hooked... my head if full of color and problem solving, my belly is full of fried food and calories and tomorrow is Friday. I'd go for a walk if I had any ambition at all... but I think I will just hit the shower and go to bed... so I can begin to look at art again tomorrow fresh and alive.

small discovery

2008-08-14T19:10:00.000-07:00

I have been on an art making jag... the classes, school starting and the art that is related to that... being back in my classroom with room to work and great lighting. Plus right now I have some time... my schedule really kicks in next week and for the last two I have had time to play, to think and to work a little.

This is from a collage I started in July... I've been looking at it, looking at all of them really and struggling about what I could do, where I could start. I wanted something from these beginnings... that undefinable 'something' that we get ourselves hung on all too often... That's why I like painting furniture.. I don't feel a need to be inspired... I just have fun...and it always turns out wonderful.

So today, standing at my work table I was looking at these collages playing around with one( I thought I had an inspired idea, even though I knew I was copied an idea... why, why why?) and all of the sudden I thought, 'oh, heck, just do what you know... so on one I gessoed out a background that left a tree, on another I gessoed out an area and left a house... and on this one I left a bird, and all of the sudden I felt like I was cooking.

I need to remember I do not have to reinvent myself... I need to remember that trying to reinvent myself is a) trying; and we all know that is not how it works.. and b) I am perfect just the way I am and that if I do not start right here, I will never reach the perfect that I am becoming.....

I've been here before, but it was never art related.

So anyway, what do I like to paint? Chickens. Big leafy plants and cactus. Jaguars with teeth and stiff legs. Like Rousseau and Matisse with a little bit of Suzi Klotz contemporary, off beat southwest thrown in... primitive, flat, with outlines... so that is where I begin. Right here where my comfort zone is, where I know what I am doing, where it is fun.

today

2008-08-10T18:46:00.000-07:00

Today I painted a table for my daughter. She is in Michigan visiting the in-laws, having fun on a farm near Lake Michigan. She will be home Tuesday. I felt 'deadline' looming... time to paint with no boys, no interruptions....

I began yesterday by painting the table a shade of brick orange. In church today, while pondering the Jesus walks on water story (I get something different every time I read that one) I sketched a design on the back of the bulletin.

My design was basically this. A square in the middle with a line running through it and a border line, that had this decorative square in the corner.

After I put in the lines I put four clumps of ZZ plant and wrapped a vine-type plant around the center line.

I filled in the background with a light blue, trying for lots of brush strokes and surface blended colors.

The other day I bought this dragonfly stamp... I couldn't help myself... I added it in.

But I thought the table still looked too plain... I stamped 'Dreams' onto one side....

and 'Dragonfly' onto the other.... still it needed more oomph....

so I pulled out my caulk pastels, filed them onto the table surface, and rubbed them in.

Tomorrow I need to go back and put a sealer coat on... I think before I do I will hit it a bit with my colored pencils to define some areas, put in some little detail...

If I'd had more time, I might have worked harder at mixing paints and not fallen back on the caulk... on the other hand, since the classes I have taken in the last week, I feel freed to mix it up quite a bit... I am interested to see how the table will look with the sealer, I am using a polyurethane, since it will be their main kitchen table... what I hope is that the sealer will bring the colors out more and make the whole piece more vivid....

happy to you

2008-08-09T20:52:00.001-07:00

It is nearly 6 a.m. the morning of the 10th in Geneve, Switzerland... when she finally awakens it will be her birthday... and like so many of them since she has grown, I will be here and she will be there.

But I wish her a happy day, a joy-filled year, and a lifetime of blessings to see her through the tough times.

Happy to you, Roo.

I love you as much now as the first time I saw you.

love,

Mom

Art Unraveled: Part 2

2008-08-07T22:05:00.000-07:00

Ooooo, two days of art classes... don't know if it is that or the caffeinated beverage I drank before class started tonight, but I am completely jazzed.

Plaster. Wax. Texture. Color. Possibilities, possibilities, possibilities.

Part of the fun is doing.... of course that is always part of the fun... starting something knowing nothing and discovering this works and that needs to be completely scraped away or covered up.... of course it is wonderful when you see that something you have done seems to be working out, or when you think of what you could do if you had your entire storehouse of this'n'thats to work into the piece.... but then you begin to wander around the room. You see that this lady over here has woven a ribbon into her piece and you stand and chat, ask questions and watch her work for a minute... then you stray to the woman who has nothing colored yet, but she has pressed these things into hers and you again quiz her on how she did this, where she could go from there... or the woman behind whose colors ran like a rainy day on the window. Lovely, you say. The wire... there are so many options to the wire, or instead of the wire... and it does not have to be a book you discover... it could be anything. Anything. A purse? Well, maybe no... at least not an entire purse, or anyway not a purse that would be overly functional... And I'm not interested in making a purse, really... but I could, that's all.

I didn't take any pictures, though I took my camera. (the excuse) My hands were completely filthy within minutes of starting... and there wasn't much to clean them off with... but the real reason is I was just too busy. So sorry. Maybe when I get whatever I have started finished... or at least to stage two... maybe I will take pictures then... but this thing, book, I started today is just for play. I have other ideas now that I have walked about the room.

I want to hold onto this.... this excitement, this memory of walking the room, talking to people, asking questions... this feeling that if I just would let myself I could unzip this bodysuit that says I'm thus and so, and let my real butterfly free, I could soar.

Art Unraveled

2008-08-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

Today I played hookie from my teaching job and drove across town to the Embassy Suites to attend an encaustic class at Art Unraveled... what fun.

I have been enthralled with encaustics for six or seven years, since I saw my first encaustic painting in a gallery in Ketchum, ID. And since I found out what it was called I have been saying, I want to take an encaustic class... Well, it has taken quite some time, but I finally made it.

I took my camera and had planned on taking many pictures of the process, but only one was taken... once I got going on a piece it took hold of me and I thought of nothing else. This was my first one... at one point there was lots more on here, but I scraped a bunch off and ended up here. I love the bug and the dragon fly stamps.

These are the two pieces I made today. What I learned is I can begin this using white beeswax only and add in colored wax as I feel more confident... that most of your color can come from pastels, collage, and stamping.

While I was in Kentucky last month I picked up three grape leaves the insects had eaten out. I've been saving them in my journal just for this occasion. Now all three are preserved in wax.

I loved the bug pictures.... and they fit so well with the skeletal leaves... In this picture you can begin to see the translucence.

Here is another bug... I played around with adding color to this guy... see where I stamped Be Free... the other picture says Enter Here...

I go to work tomorrow, but tomorrow night I have another Art Unraveled class. Maybe I will use my camera more.

begun

2008-08-03T12:08:00.001-07:00

Seems like I have been doing a lot of beginning lately.... beginning to take stock once again, beginning to remodel my bathroom, beginning to say yes to whatever is in the moment.... and beginning a bit of a business venture and of course, remodeling my kitchen.

First, the business venture... my friend Kel came for water aerobics, followed by dinner and wine at my place on Friday... as we sat and re-hashed out hopes and dreams she ran her hands over my dining room table (has a moon and trippin' chickens on it) and said, I love this table... and I said, Wait a minute!... ran down the hall and brought out the old bathroom scale I painted last week.... and she loved it too... in fact she said, We can sell these... she said she likes to market (I hate to market)... I can be the creator and she can be the sales guru... anyway we are going to go for it... first of all one-of's... then, if we get some wind under out wings, maybe a bit more... fun, huh?

Oddly enough both of us, without having discussed it first have decided we just want to have fun... we are sooooo tired of trying.

Above is a cabinet door I painted years ago... I love this cabinet even though it has a semi-broken door...the cat did it... and since I painted it I have known one of things I love to do is this kind of super stylized painting.

And then there is the kitchen....

Yesterday my great friend and contractor V. came over and we pulled out the cabinet I have always hated in the dining room and the cabinets above the stove... even though the place looks a wreck, I love the openness that has been created. Going to paint the walls the palest glass blue to match the glass tiled wall....

Here is V. today... masking and texturizing because this area is going to be much more open.... we found a hood on line at Fabyka ... V. was very impressed with the quality and price... I have ordered it and within the week should have it for installation.

Cannot wait to have this all done and have a big party! It will be so great! I might even be able to bake a decent batch of cookies for once... (I have always blamed the stove.)

7 point list

2008-07-29T18:21:00.000-07:00

I had a to-do list today... it is my last day and suddenly I feel I need to get things done!

1. Pay all bills - mail them: isn't it odd that this kind of task gets shoved along, out of the way, until the last minute... and they are all last minute bills, none overdue, but somehow I knew I needed to attend to them and I did.
2. Move $$ where necessary... this goes hand in hand with the pay bills thing... this kind of paperwork is not something I hate, just something I put off... anyway, I visited this and know once again where I am down to the dime and can leave all cash where it is for another week.
3. go to gym, work what does not hurt.... I joined a new gym the other day, a bike ride or five minute walk from my front door. I want to use it, I want to get to a more fit place, I have felt myself slipping since menopause and I'd like to see if I can turn the tide a bit without going postal about it... anyway, I was there yesterday and have some sore spots, so went today and did some abs... the item that needs the most work.
4. go to yoga... going already! in one half hour.
5. make vision board... and just in the nick of time too, and glad I waited since I think what I want to include is much brighter and more cheerful than what I envisioned before... anyway, I will do this when I get back from yoga.
6. browse the net.... ye-gods! I can spend a lot of time here, but I have begun to discover you-tube(U-tube?) and found this series of encaustic tutorials plus so much more that I could just get lost here forever - like I discovered folks do art in their kitchens and here I am grousing that I can't do it because I don't have a studio... what a baby!... and I visited Judy Wise and honestly doesn't she just make you want to jump down and get to work...
and last...
7. clean my desk... well okay, most of it was just shoved onto another table (the one I should be making art on) but the desk looks manageable

Anyway, back to school tomorrow and I am looking forward to it... looking forward to saying "unity" and "focal point" to every kid at every level... knowing that with repetition they will get it. I think it is going to be a good year and Art Unraveled is next week.... hurray!

alien lifeforms

2008-07-27T10:40:00.001-07:00

Yesterday Four and Two spent the night. They were so excited about the sleep over... the first thing we had to do was inflate the blow-up bed and lay out their sleeping bags, try out the pillows and get the favorite blankets and stuffed animals arranged. After that we went swimming. Four is turning into a brave swimmer who kicks and goes under to retrieve rings...Two is not so brave but showed me he can blow bubbles and stand on the bottom as long as I hold onto his hands... after swimming we went to swing for a few minutes and then home for macaroni and cheese ( Four told me he preferred the white kind, whoops!) after dinner we walked to Baskin Robbins for ice cream... it was a slow walk, there is so much to see - we had brought the field glasses)... golf balls and dead birds, broken pencils and sticks. Four asked me how much longer would it take to get there and I told him that if they continued to dawdle it might take an hour... He told me only Two dawdled (wrong)... but they both picked up the pace and we made it to Wild Berry sherbet cones... on the way home the dawdling continued, we found a great big dead bug the boys took turns carrying... they jumped off all the rocks three or four times and ran down all the hills... near the end of the walk we noticed a "star" in the sky and used the binoculars to see if we could get a better look... it was a planet!... everyone looked and we were so excited that we had to write ourselves a note when we got home so we would not forget.
After that they took a bubble bath and then ran around naked for a few minutes and played cars and blocks until I said PJ's on now and books... then we sat and read 11 books, one about tornadoes!, and suddenly Two was falling asleep so the last book was done and off to their comfy nest. Four asked what time it was and I said 10 (I lied a little, it was 9:35, but he had wanted to stay up until 10) Prayers, kisses and they were out.

Boys. They get so excited and interested in things... on the walk for ice cream I was reminded of hiking with B one day when he jumped off the trail, went into this squat and pretended his hiking stick was a rifle and mowed down hundreds of invisible bad guys before standing and resuming his nice adult walk... I wish I was like that, I wish I could just be 8 again... except I think at 8 I was already serious and task oriented... I think my intention for this year is to just do it for the fun of it... no serious thinking at all!

This morning we had pancakes and Four colored in the round circle of a planet I had drawn and then we called B and he told us we had seen Jupiter(we wrote "Jupiter" over the colored picture) and if we looked again closely we might see specks around it that are its moons... he was even good enough to talk directly to Four, who I know he does not understand...

Anyway, here I am, reminding myself that this is the first day of the rest of my life and if I want the centerpiece of my life to be "just have a lot of fun" it is completely okay. I'm going to color my hair today... always feels like risky business... and then go out to dinner with family later. Two more days until I go back to work... but think I might be looking forward to it.

days work

2008-07-26T14:29:00.000-07:00

this is what I did yesterday... painted an old scale... and aside from the fact that the bird seems to be missing some of its body it suits me and suits my new bathroom...

scattered

2008-07-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

I have 5 days until summer vacation is over and though I have enjoyed myself, and made big headway in the remodel-your-house category, I feel like I have frittered it all away.

Today I woke up to a disaster in my kitchen... yesterday evening after dinner I started pulling things out of cabinets, moving things in, sorting, shoving, puzzling... I have plenty of tea. In fact I should give up coffee entirely and just work on the tea and maybe by Christmas I can justify brewing a cup of Joe... the counters the dining room table were full of cups and plates and vitamin bottles (rivals my tea collection).

Now it is afternoon and though I have sorted and boxed things for Goodwill and placed other things safely out of the way until the construction is over, the kitchen still looks a mess... I am painting a fat lady on my pulleditfromafreebin bathroom scale and at the same time painting a couple of found S&P shakers for youngest daughter... I've burned some CD's for a friend of mine and I am stripping one of my kitchen cabinet doors hoping I can get it to blend well enough that I do not have to strip them all..

What I would like to do... what would help me feel most ready to return to school ... is get everything organized, put away, dusted and neatly stacked. It is not going to happen. My kitchen project maybe will not happen until the end of August. Until then I will live around a fridg, stove and dishwasher in my entry along side an IKEA wardrobe (it will become my new pantry) still in the box. I'm going to try to box things and stash so that when all the parts come in, the kitchen will be worker friendly.

Anyway, shuffle bump crunch... that is how the day has been... a little of this, a little of that. I caught some kids throwing boxes out behind a Wendy's today, I nabbed a couple only to realize they smell pretty strongly of frozen chicken... they will sit outside in the sun until I am ready for them. I also picked up two more gallons of "oops" paint... the orange has to go in the middle bedroom... but right now if it happens before Christmas I am ok with it.

I'm happy. Lord knows why... maybe because my hair looks better today... check out this curly girl site even without the product they were using the twist and flip method of getting your hair to have a style really works... or maybe it is because when I pulled out my vitamins yesterday I took all them rather than skipping like I've done all summer... or it could be the Sonia Choquette CD's I've been listening to? Whatever it is, I am so thankful to be experiencing this shift.

I know I have been in the process of changing direction... part of it has been manifest in the art classes I have taken and will take in the next couple weeks, part of it is in this remodel of a house I thought I would be leaving... but where I am going, other than into my kitchen to face that cabinet door, I do not know. And that is okay too.

saying yes

2008-07-21T20:48:00.000-07:00

There is something so majestic, so powerful, so promising about a thunderhead building on a hot humid summer day. We watch them dance around the outskirts of the valley, hugging the mountains, and hope that one of them will bless us with a little relief.

I think we are like this. Oh, maybe not as large, and for most of us not as beautiful. But we all hold this potential energy, and we dance around the edges, clinging to the sides, afraid to give up what we hold.

Yesterday I painted my bedroom (I love Home Depot "oops!" paint!) and while I painted I listened to four hours of Carolyn Myss on CD's. While I have read-at some of Myss' books I had never heard her speak. Wow, she is one tough lady.

The CD session had started with Wayne Dyer and transitioned into Myss. I was at first jarred by the difference in delivery. Dyer is all love and intention and corny stories and then comes Carolyn who delivers her message with the confidence of a Catholic school nun. I'm telling you, after I got over feeling uncomfortable I stood up straight and listened.

She would say, You want the future all spelled out for you... and I would answer her, yes, I do... she said, you want it to be easy... yes, I answered... you want there to be guarantees, you betcha, was the reply...in fact I had an ongoing dialogue with every CD she did. She said trinkets and crystals and OM meditations would never work. She said setting intentions, if the intentions were about what "I" want, like money, a soul mate(she really blasted this idea), a big house were worthless. And then she asked when were we going to say yes to what God wanted. Go ahead she said, say yes.

Then she said the most amazing thing... she said we knew. We knew what God wanted for our health, for our happiness and most of us were too lazy, uncommitted, or just plain scared to go after it. And by knowing what God wants for us(remember health, happiness, keys to the kingdom)she meant that we know what God wants us to do today, because we know what is good for us if we are paying attention at all. Like we know if we need to lose ten pounds, or if we need training for that job we'd like, or if the power bill is too high... and nearly all of us know what to do about these things. Eat less, exercise more. Take a class. Turn off a light.

She talked about becoming a medical intuitive and the years she spent studying, working hard to become this thing that God wanted. She was intuitive, but she needed to study for a long, long time in order to do her job. She said she can't find lost kids. She's tried. The point was, though, that even though she was following a call, it was not a switch that was flipped and like magic she was a full fledged medical intuitive with book deals and a lecture tour. She said saying yes was not a free ride.

So today, I met my friend Kel for coffee and was telling her about the Myss CD's. I told her all the things I have just told you. Then the topic shifted to relationships, and the coming school year, and hopes and dreams, and I said I had been having a lot of issues with leg and foot pain and one of the things I thought I needed to do was place myself on a yeast free diet, but I just could not do the two week, detox your body part.

And then I stopped. I laughed and said, See! That's it! This is exactly what she was saying. I know for some reason what I should do and I am already saying it is too hard. I am not saying yes to something pretty darned simple that I feel will improve my health and happiness.

You know, when we say things like 'following God' or doing what God wants... I think we envision this voice from burning bush kind of revelation, when what God or the Universe wants for us are mostly things we already know about. Simple things. And if I do the two week detox (= no sugar of any kind for two weeks) and do feel better, what might happen then?

And even as I tell you this, I hesitate... I hear myself whine, but I like fruit in the morning...

How to you place yourself in a posture where yes is the only answer? How to you let down your guard, let go of your ego, walk out the door and just trust that this is the way. How do you muster the courage to do what it takes, even if what it takes is only a one day at a time thing. How do you get over your spoiled laziness of always, always wanting it your way?

Don't know... but the clouds are building... I can either begin to harness the power or I can crash against the mountains. The choice is mine.

kentucky views

2008-07-18T10:01:00.000-07:00

funny, I took no pictures of people, just rocks above

and under the water.... in sunlight and shade

and bark peeling like ancient wallpaper off a tree

and plants in pots sitting on my sister's front porch

and these two guys nestled still in last year's leaves

and how rocks and succulents look in the warm moist light of a Kentucky afternoon.

one down

2008-07-18T09:50:00.001-07:00

the glass wall and door made the tiled shower, please ignore the ugly squeegee... a prettier one is in the process... looks, feels just like an upscale spa

the cabinet and tri-fold mirror ... check out the faucet...

now moving on to the kitchen... yesterday bought appliances, they are sitting in my dining room... the counter top, which is out of stock right now might mean this stage will not be done before September. When it is finished it will be soooooo nice.

class of '67

2008-07-17T16:58:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are, sitting in the basement of the country club because it was raining cats and dogs outside. I am on the floor front and center... I am on the floor to prove that I can still get on the floor and up again. Mary is there in the front row with me, she is in the green, Patricia is right behind her with the naturally dark hair... she has a 30 year old and a 13 year old... Dee is next to Mary, still wears too much eye-liner and still completely, flawlessly nice.

There were men there, guys I went to school with, graduated with... Champie, who gave me my first kiss on a church sponsored hay-rack ride, Steve, Kathy's husband, Bobby T who still looked like a kid, Butch P. still rolling his eyes and saying outrageous things... but mostly the guys were people I would never know if I met them on the street. I didn't talk with them much. I spent most of my time talking with the women, the girls I went to school with....

I went to this reunion thinking "something" was there for me, and I came away not certain what it might be except I like where I live and what I have become. Maybe that is enough.

love&peace

home

2008-07-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

I am home.
going is always nice... returning is always better
my own bed
pictures of the boys & family
my personal stuff
sigh!

Glad to be here and, this is taking me a bit by surprise, nearly ready to go back to work.

peace & love

6 things I like

2008-07-12T07:26:00.000-07:00

Okay Roo-b... here ya' go...

Because i am right now in rain-soaked Forsythe, Illinois, and because yesterday evening my sister and i rode through our old home town:

1. I like sunshine... and most everything that goes with it... like dry air and dry clothes and cactus and trees that are a bit under control

2. I like clean houses... really clean... with clean windows and minimal clutter and doors that can open without a swarm of bugs entering in.

3. I like (love) the smell of sheets pulled fresh off the clothes line and still warm from the sun when they are smoothed on the bed

4. I like my sister... okay, somethimes she is a bit much for me... but I am very happy to say that maybe we both have matured or something... but I really like my sister and that makes me really happy to know. We went canoeing... she is a much better canoeing partner than B. who throws hissy fits when he gets splached.

5. I like good non-fiction because it is seldom disturbing like the book, the Bright Forever, that I read while we were camping last week. Currently reading Seeing God... not the least bit creepy.

6. I like the SIU sweatshirt I bought yesterday at the 710 bookstore in Carbondale, Illinois... after wanting an SIU sweatshirt for several years and not being able to find one, I was nearly giddy excited. it is not grey, which was my preference... but still plain. Anyway, Yeah!

tonight my class reunion... I'm getting kind of nervous/excited... driving through town was such an "ohmygod!" experience that i have this little feeling of dread... but it will be fine.

I will be home Tuesday night... will give a full report on Wednesday.

love & peace

want

2008-06-30T15:11:00.000-07:00

there is this picture I saw once, of a room with a window, and the window looked out to a late fall meadow and the woods beyond. Inside the room was a table, and on the table were art supplies...
today I have been back in that picture, feeling the room, getting familiar with it again. I have been thinking about what I want and realise I want what I have always wanted.

I am in that room, and the smell of pigment and wax and oil scent the air... there is a cat over there, sleeping in an old chair placed in the sun, just for her... and in another room I hear the sound of someone who loves me, making tea, talking to the dog... it will be cold tonight and there is a chance of snow. I have finished here for the day and wander down the hall, grab a wool sweater and the leash off a hook and the dog meets me by the door. walk. walk down the road to a path that leads out between two fields. mountains purple and pink in the distance catch the last glow of the sun. I am happy, the dog too, he is now off the leash finding all that is new since his last visit.

I remember one night at 10 pm, the kids were down. It had snowed hard all day and the wind had blown the snow into sculptures where it rounded the house toward the garage. the storm was past, the stars were out and I needed to dig out the drive. It was not cold. The only sound was the scrape of my shovel and the woosh of the dry snow falling toward leeward side of the drive. Pristine and peaceful. I would like to do that one more time.

I have been thinking making a vision board - something that always seemed silly to me - but now I sense I am ready.

for years it has been art and a studio, a partnership, good travel, mountains, creating and sharing sacred space, and silence.

On my wall is a post-it that says, "we all spend so much time not saying what we want... because we know we can't have it. Go on. Say what you want."

sunday loop

2008-06-29T11:44:00.000-07:00

One more day and I head for Illinois by way of Kentucky
31 more days until I have to arrive back at work.
My brain is all over the place...
the low last night was 87...
what to pack in the small suitcase I have selected
do I bring the laptop? will there really be any opportunity to use the laptop?
it will be cooler than here, but humid -with chance of mosquitoes, I like to add - so I will still be hot and possibly itchy
must remember about chiggers
movies this afternoon with buddy Steve
and what about Bill... honestly I thought this was a finalized thing... but I keep thinking, what about Bill
when I return I will only have two weeks left
my bathroom will be done, or nearly done
will V. water my plants?
I will, at the current rate pay about $12 a day to drive to and from work
can I carpool and remain a nice person
does anyone else find Arnold Schwarzenegger mind-numbingly boring?
my work table is not big enough to paint on - I need more spread out room
at least my classroom gives me some sense of studio space
I will take my journal with me, yarn and a book
I can maybe use Jerry's computer
will something happen at the reunion, or will I wonder why the urge to go was so strong?
after hiring a personal trainer, doing water aerobics three days a week, riding my bike nearly every day I have managed to gain two pounds
I think I need to do something risky
what!

perfect day

2008-06-25T20:12:00.001-07:00

Today was my collage class... I was so excited I forgot to close my car door... not forgot to lock... forgot to close ...and left my car in the parking lot until noon with the front door standing open. But, oooo, I had every reason to be excited. This was a great class where I felt like someone had unlocked something playful and creative inside me. I guess someone had since I prayed for this, this morning.

The class began with Nancy demonstrating how she lays out color using rice paper. She then gave each of us a packet of papers and we tried to follow her lead, layering and tearing and then applying flecks of gold leaf.

After the rice paper addition had dried, we moved on to adding oil pastels, wax for resist and watercolor crayons. When this was done we moved from light to dark, warm to cool colors until we had covered the majority of our paper with color. Since pink and purple are not two of my favorite colors, but they were the two colors I was given in my packet, I toned the colors down with yellows, oranges and cobalt blues.

Nancy then showed us how to use India ink on a string to add depth- see how it completely changes how the collage looks. We did another in gold, or for me, copper enamel. We were by this time working on two or three collages, allowing one to dry as we moved on to work on another.

Last Nancy showed us how to use gesso to block out parts of the picture, finding image or shape in the negative space... we then went over the gesso with watercolor, more collage material, more lines and crayon. Layering and changing, turning the paper continually, watching for what might form.

By the end of the class I had seven different collages, none of which are done. They are all unique, though three of them have a strong "pebbled" appearance like you would see in the bottom of a stream bed.

This one still has a long way to go, but I think I will like it better when it is done. There is something soothing about the repetition of color and shape. I like that it does not have the black lines, though I will probably have to add some dark places to bring drama to the piece. I will play with it, and the others tomorrow when the light is good.

This was a wonderful class. My fears were unfounded. The class was small, just five of us and the instructor. We all had very different styles and everyone came up with unique solutions using the same methods.

Because we worked on more than one collage, switching from one to another the entire day, we never got the feeling of being stuck, because solutions to problems would surface as we worked on a next piece.

I liked the process driven part of this exercise. I liked the idea that you can go back and alter and alter again and again, changing your work, completely gessoing over if need be. I liked the freedom, the spontaneity, and the contemplative aspects of this process. I feel like I am ready to take it to another level now. I feel more confident.

That is probably the best part. Before today I honestly did not know if I had want I needed to do anything more than teach art. Today I know I do.

failed watercolor

2008-06-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

I am signed up for a collage class on Wednesday... one of the things we have been asked to bring is one or two "failed watercolors" I didn't have any watercolors, let alone a failed one. So I have been painting for the last couple of days... several have been on watercolor paper, but this one on newspaper is my favorite... first of all I like to colors and shapes... I kept thinking about the prints my daughter had purchased on etsy... and about rocks and how they sit in a stream.

I am excited and fearful about this class... what if I am the least talented one there? The all thumbs one? The one who stutters and forgets her nouns? On the flip side I have so wanted to do this for myself and this is step one in the process.

Prescott weekend

2008-06-23T13:50:00.000-07:00

I was invited to a wedding in Prescott. My best friend from a million years ago would be there. though I wasn't looking forward to the drive, I knew I would go, and a couple of days before the wedding my daughter asked if she and the two boys could tag along and take advantage of cooler weather.
Oh, yes, yes, yes... company would be much appreciated.
First stop, Lynx Lake... found a shady spot to park the car and a bit of shade on the shore to throw rocks and dangle out toes. Nice man next to us helped the boys fashion fishing poles out of sticks and then added line, a bobber, and a fine hook with a fake worm. Baby ducks amazed us as the dove under the water and bobbed back up to the surface like corks.

From the lake, we went to the hotel and everyone cooled off in the pool then dried themselves in the sun.

Katie stayed in town with the boys... she had places she could walk to they would enjoy and I headed off to Talking Rock for Erin and Brett's wedding.

Kay was there.... Erin's grandmother and the glue that holds the entire family together. She and I share the same birthday and for years we had classrooms next to one another. She wasn't too pleased about this picture... but I am.

Blurry picture ( I have the most trouble getting my camera to be still) but you can still see how beautiful the setting and the bride was.

Next day we hung around Prescott for a while, not wanting to return to Phoenix too soon. Pie is really tired, we kept him going the whole time... in fact he finally perked up when we sat down here, in this cool green grass to have lunch.

It was so heavenly cool and beautiful that K said she wanted to move to Prescott... everyone wants to move there, that is the problem.... she and William take a moment to watch clouds as the flit by.

The blue grass festival was in full swing. Music, mountain men, cowboys and saloon girls moved through the crowds... one fellow had a python the kids got to pet.

When I first decided to look for jobs in Arizona, there was an art opening in Prescott... I remember looking at where it was on the map and thinking it was just a little town too far from anything to consider. Chances are I would not have gotten the job anyway, but on Sunday I wondered how my life would be different if things had turned out the other way....

Later Sunday evening, I told a friend I had been to Prescott, and as always I wonder why I do not make the effort to go more often. It is certainly worth it.

first day of summer

2008-06-20T07:47:00.001-07:00

it is June... June 20th to be exact... the first day of summer
and while still, in many places, people are delighting in the renewed bounty of the land
the sweet smell of lilac
the end of endless spring rains
and the first strong rays of sunshine in a very long while

I am shuttering my windows against the relentless sun
leaving the house only early in the morning or later in the afternoon
sipping cool water while wearing nearly nothing
and loving the frosted beauty of black raspberries thawing on the counter.

four

2008-06-20T07:41:00.000-07:00

he is four

with some luck and a whole lot of prayer, he will grow out of this by the time he is twenty-four

chaos theory

2008-06-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

... it has been a windy spring here and the weather has been weird... the weather in all of the US has been doing weird leaps and shudders... floods and drought, fire and tornado's... I said to a friend I wondered what butterfly batted its wings to set all of this in motion...

and so, because of this wondering, I am asking myself where this ever-growing remodeling venture began... and here is what I have come up with so far... in March I decided to clean my closet and as I cleaned my closet and then the linen closet, I decided to get rid of all my faded and nasty sheets (that meant all of them)... once the sheets were set in the get-rid-of pile, I looked at my duvet, purchased to match the sheets and thought out you go... from the duvet (it was sage green) I looked at my bedroom walls... they were pale sage green... and I began to visualize something less... palest blue? softest light cardboard? Something that said traditional is out and minimal is in... I started to bring home paint chips, and browse the "oops!" bin at Home Depot and found a pale cream color for only $5 (being cheap has led me to spending exorbitant amounts of money before... I should have known!) a couple days later at another Home Depot, I found the same color again on the "oops!" shelf... and a week later I found yet another gallon that was so similar I knew that blended I could not only paint my bedroom, but my extra room and the bathroom...

anyway, it led me to pulling at a corner of loose wallpaper and several days later popping off a loose tile in my shower... and today I sat and picked out counter tops and cabinets for a bathroom I thought only existed in much more expensive houses...

today, I went to the bank and opened a line of credit... enough for the bathroom and whatever might follow... you know the carpet in the bedroom is original and the house was built in 1978...

a couple months ago, my daughter told me she wanted to paint her hallway... I told her "don't do it! it never ends there!"

here's the thing though, I feel completely okay with the whole process... I'm a person who trusts my gut, and my gut is never wrong (ok, liz, when I bought the vacuum I felt sick inside almost immediately, it was completely different) this feels like when I decided to sell everything and just move 2000 miles from everything I knew with two kids... this will be okay... but I really must find someone to share this shower with me, it will be just too wonderful to shower alone every day...

now I am wondering what caused me to clean closets...

taking a break one room at a time

2008-06-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I bought 143 tiles for 75 cents a piece from the Habitat for the Humanities store and then came home and began to pop old tiles off my shower wall... oh my god! not certain what I expected, but the dirt and lizard eggs came as a complete surprise... the fact that the wall board did not extend to the floor, but stopped about two inches above where the shower floor sat. kind of freaked for a moment and called V. to come just look at it... he should be here this afternoon.

met a nice 84 year old man and his wife at the Habitat store... his wife told me he charges $20 an hour and he gave me his phone number... shared my amazement/horror at water aerobics last night and one of the guys there said he had remodeled his bathrooms ten years ago and found the same thing... he told me I could do it.

I have two of the tiled walls down... taking a break, eating watermelon, filthy from head to toe... I feel half sick over the whole thing and am having the self-pep-talk I need to just put one foot in front of the other, face one problem then another... really, it is probably not as bad as I thought... all that old wall board needed to be torn out anyway... the water damage looks contained and that is a blessing... but as I continue I become more certain that the whole bathroom must go and be replaced.

I can do this. I will need a plumber at some point and the 84 year old's diamond cutter (he was a doll!) and I might have to get the guy from water aerobics and V. walk me through a thing or two, and possibly a small home improvement loan from the bank... but I am determined to start school on July 30 with a new bathroom.

I will post pictures when it no longer looks so scary.

peace & love

better

2008-06-14T07:03:00.001-07:00

She feels better. For the past four days we did not know she didn't feel good... we just knew that she had seemed to slip down some kind of slippery slope and it had left us with feelings of finality, gloom. But on Friday she woke up and felt better. So there, Angel of Death. You must wait a bit longer.

She weighed 87 pounds when she realized she had become pregnant with me. I weighed 87 pounds in fifth grade. She probably weighed less than that 6 months after I was born... babies do that to women in my family.

She married for love. He loved her. He still does. He would do whatever it took to work things out. That after years of trying to figure their marriage out, is the only thing that has ever counted. He loves her and at nearly 60 years of what was sometimes a turbulent relationship she doesn't know what she would do without him.

She taught me more than anyone else on the planet. I have her body, only super-sized, and wish I had gotten her hair.

She has mellowed over the years, but in many respects she was always my champion and my prodding stick. I think her hopes and fears where often played out in how she was with me... I think all our hopes and fears are played out in our children. Especially the eldest, who we always have the most intimate relationship with.

Anyway, she feels better. I can have her a while longer. And that is good.

eternal life

2008-06-13T08:08:00.000-07:00

My sister is visiting from Kentucky this week. She is here mostly to see my parents, my mom, really. But she also wants to see my grandsons, my daughter and me.

She brought these pictures with her so I could make copies. The one below was given to her by our grandmother. It is a picture of Ed Lewis and his family... my great-grandfather on my grandfather's side. She told me that when grandma gave her the picture she asked,"Do you see anyone familiar?" As it turns out, Papa (Ed) looks just like my sister. Same long face, same long nose, and unfortunately same thin lipped mouth.
She also brought this picture. It is my sister at 5 years old... probably her kindergarten picture. Look at the eyes, the nose. She was a real cutie before her face got so long and lean.

Now look at this dirty guy, the eyes, the nose... if we could see the mouth, we would see that his lips when held in a half smile look like the ones above.

We are going to have to keep an eye on him and these pictures as reference, just to see where the gene pool is leading us. My mom has said nearly from day one that this one is a Lewis...

Life goes on. If we are reborn in no other way, we are reborn in our children and our children's children.

My mom is going to die soon. I wonder what baby will be born that carries her beautiful face, her great hair and her fiery temper? Hope I am around when it happens.

Peace & Love

6/10 reality strikes

2008-06-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday two big things happened. My sister arrived from Paducah, KY and Home Depot sent a guy to give me an estimate on a bathroom remodel...

It was great to see my sister, we talked, we went out for Indian buffet, we visited the parents, we went to water yoga, we read books in silence across from one another... she will be here five more days and then in a couple of weeks I will be heading to humid mosquito filled KY to spend some time with her and then swing north for a (gulp!) 41st high school reunion. (she says it is time we spent this kind of time together)

But it was the bathroom consult guy that completely captured my attention. Good grief, am I completely out of touch? I know you can no longer buy a new car for $2000, why did I think I could get my bathroom redone for under $5000? What was I thinking?

$16,000. That was the figure. I agreed to tear out all the old tile, fixtures, etc. and haul it away, plus take care of my own medicine cabinet/lighting issues and they would retile the shower and bathroom floor to match, install a new shower door, replace the cabinet, counter and plumbing fixtures... hmmm. The very nice looking gentleman told me it was a wonderful investment that would improve the resale value of my home... I smiled.

In the end, I just felt overwhelmed and exhausted by the whole thing. Even today, in my journal, most of what I wrote was ramblings about my bathroom... what to do about my bathroom...

Thank heaven my sister is here... that means any real decisions about the bathroom will need to be placed on hold for a couple of days. When she leaves I will decide, do I do it all myself? I am a pretty confident remodeler... or do I just do a paint, patch and seal job and say good enough?

What do you think? What do I do?

6/8 redecorating

2008-06-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

I'd been practicing not looking too closely at my bathroom for a long time. I did not look too closely at the tile in the shower, at the 30 year old medicine cabinet, at the sorry wall paper job I did so many years ago, I could not recall what the bathroom had looked like before... but in the past week, I browsed through an article on updating your bathroom and started noticing how badly it needed a face lift. So, the other morning, before I could pause to think too much about what I was getting myself in for, I leaned down and pulled at a loose end of the paper and riiiippp, the bathroom project began.

What I uncovered were holes.... little holes where things had hung in years past, bigger holes where old towel bars used to be...

and one big hole... about as big as the toe of a shoe... that had been papered over, covered up, and forgotten.

As the paper came off and the holes became evident I took the time to look more closely at all those other things... the cabinet wasn't bad, but the counter top and medicine cabinet are so 1970's, mass construction, the lighting fixture is that make-up mirror style and I read that sconces are in now... and the tile in the shower... as old as the house and showing signs of water damage beneath needs complete replacement... and the floor, well if I do the rest it would just be a sin not to do the floor.

So off to Home Depot I go to just dream and a sales person came up to me and asked if I would like a free bathroom consultation. I responded, "Is today possible?" As it turns out today won't work, but next Tuesday afternoon will.

I patched the holes this morning, but will put off painting until after Tuesday. No point in painting only to have to re-paint.

I know I can do many things myself... even the tile work, but I really wonder if I want to. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in and do a professional job, just once?

I'll keep you posted on the final verdict.

6/6 day for plans

2008-06-06T13:26:00.001-07:00

What to do when you miss the girl? You just go see her... and today I bought the tickets for an October flight. Not soon enough, but as soon as I can go. Feeling as I always do when I commit to big travel, a little anxious, a little excited, and because it is to see this one, a little weepy.

I also registered for two Art Unraveled classes. Both are in mediums that hold some fascination for me, wax and plaster. I saw my first encaustic painting in Ketchum, Idaho some years ago and with my nose about two inches from the piece I examined every inch of it... amazing! The way color moved through it, the layers, the luminosity... and since then I have been on this little quest to learn what I could about the techniques. At a different Ketchum gallery I remember when I saw for the first and last time what appeared to be a plaster book. It was fabulous! Texture, texture, texture and color in layers that was reminiscent of encaustic, but totally different, too.

The encaustic book I want is not available until June 15... I can't wait to get it and begin to experiment here, on my own. One problem is I do not have a good work space for this kind of thing... can you imagine wax on my back patio at 110 degrees... I certainly would not have to be concerned about it setting up on me too quickly... So I will begin on my beautiful dining table and just put down plastic and lots of newspaper.

Anyway, now that I spent $$ on air and great classes, the stove I want will suddenly be available and it will be time to plop down some cash for a kitchen remodel... this is how things go, am I right?

6/4 last day

2008-06-04T20:57:00.000-07:00

wore the jeans. no one said a word, except dr. gleason, who told me we were not allowed to wear jeans today. i told him i knew that, but decided to wear them anyway.

honestly, i looked fine. better than fine. neat and tidy... no bra straps showing, no 3 inches of cleavage, no thong peaking out... just your basic conservative art gal.

write two pages on a small rebellion. write two pages on the musky smell of clay. write two pages on knowing when it is time to say goodbye.

my principal asked when i was coming in to paint my room... i laughed and told her I was so over that... told her i began to get over it when she suggested i do it in the next three days... told her to have a great summer...

write two pages on making friends. write two pages on getting over it.

tomorrow i start summer vacation, sigh! i feel the weight lifting already.

6/3 another day...

2008-06-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

Odd not having classes but needing to go to work... to what? work in my room... which I did. Joyfully. Having completely gotten over the idea I would paint my classroom, I papered it with National Geographic maps and art clippings. At the end of the day I surveyed my dynasty and wondered if I would ever have the nerve to leave these safe, but often restrictive walls.

We have been told we do not qualify for a free "jeans day" tomorrow because 85% of the school did not complete some survey... this is why I have to leave... I am going to wear jeans... not because I want to, honestly, it is too darned hot to wear jeans.. but in protest. the principal specifically told the eighth graders they could not wear formals or spaghetti straps to the dance the other night, but she became blind when they arrived in formals and spaghetti straps... and 3" heels...no one will send me home to change.

I need to write two pages on clarity and two pages on being candid. I found two more classes to sign up for... encaustics... ooo, little leaps and jigs for joy.

Met Kel for margaritas and dinner tonight. She leaves for Chicago and the Midwest tomorrow. Nice.

Write two pages on what I don't find at church. Write two pages on intuition. Write two pages on this crazy fantasy I've been having.

june 2. Fifty-nine

2008-06-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

7 am... ready to walk out the door. One of those, Iamholdingthecamerapicturesand hopingIdon'tlooklikeaIhaverecentlysufferedastroke shots. No smile and you can still see the pillow mark on my cheek. Age does not feel kind. I am fifty-nine today and can't even find a dog to get along with.

Oh, doesn't this look better? Taken at 7:30 pm... the light is softer, I have been playing with getting my picture in the mirror.... and look at me! New shawl and handmade earrings from my far-away daughter. thank you, thank you and they arrived just on time! The square beads on the earrings are beautifully cut and flash with light as I move my head. I could use a touch of lipstick, but other than that not too bad for a senior citizen.

On another (senior) note, I read an article by Abigail Thomas in my recent AARP magazine about writing. She's got a two page rule. Write two pages about the softest thing, write two pages on being cold, write two pages about a marriage proposal... I liked her article and then realized I had her book, Safekeeping, on my nightstand. Anyway, today on the way to work I was telling myself, write two pages about sleeping on the ground, write two pages about doing laundry, write two pages about what you can do with blue and orange....

Talked to my sister this evening. She will be here in a few days, told her we needed to take a walk around old Glendale and see if there is a studio for me there.... I'm looking for something. I'll know it when I find it.

June 1, hunger

2008-06-01T12:46:00.000-07:00

where to begin?

Abby of the Arts? so much there. makes me hungry to shed this skin, this place, and soar. spirit. art. I've signed up for two classes since. Collage class in July and a writing class with author Natalie Goldberg in September.

I also visited this site. and now plan to purchase this book as soon as it is available.

and from the Judy Wise blog, I found this artist....from Phoenix and a k-8 art teacher. And I have been thinking about color, putting it on scraping it off and landscape.

oh. art. words. spirit. how do I get it? how do I fit it? how can I make this central?

and I look at this house and there is no place to do encaustics here... studio, studio... but where, how...

but somehow I've pushed off from the shore....

first day of water aerobics

2008-05-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

I knew it when I woke up today... 6 more days of school and, yippee!, first day of water aerobics for the summer.

After all the unseasonably cool weather we've had, I have been really worried about the pool temperature, but today my fears were laid to rest.

When I pedaled up to the pool there were already four people in the water belly-button deep. We all know the test is to get your armpits in... if you can do that and survive you will do fine. I decided my best tactic was to go right in... to just get it over with... and surprise, surprise... it wasn't bad at all.

We did all the things I like, jogging in the water, working our arms until they felt like they would drop off. I wore water shoes for the first time... lace up kind, the laces kept coming untied... and my new bargain basement suit kept riding up in the rear. But oooo, it felt good to move through the water, to be in the water outside, not in some indoor pool... and it was great to see people I haven't seen since September.

Three days a week from now until sometime in September... Last year, after the first month I had the best arms I had had in years... this year I am in better shape to begin with, so need to find ways to work myself a little harder. The shoes create some additional resistance for my legs and I have these foam cuffs I will begin to wear to create resistance for my arms.

Stephanie says invite your friends, so consider yourselves invited, you will not be disappointed.

balancing act

2008-05-26T19:15:00.000-07:00

There is a place on the ridge-line trail at the Grand Canyon where you round a corner and there are hundreds of stacks of rocks. It is a holy place and holds an energy that is palatable.

I like rocks. That, I think, is a bit of an understatement. I bring them from my hikes, my travels. I can tell you which ones came from the Alsek River in Alaska, or the upper Salmon in Idaho. I know the ones from the Oregon coast line and the one my friend Steve told me looked like a cow pie that I picked up on a trail near Seven Springs, just north and east of the city.

Not all of them are stackable, but the ones that are, I take the time to work with. To get them to balance, to act as a lightening rod for for whatever positive force is out there looking for a safe passage into the good cool earth. There is a beauty in this stack. The rock on top from Idaho, the thin one, third from the top, from Alaska (when you hold it to the light it has wave lines of iridescence).

I've had a quiet weekend. Like these rocks, I feel precariously stacked.